Dopamine: Relationships are "Supposed To" Give Energy

We keep hearing how good relationships are for us, but what do you do when relationships drain you, scare you, or exhaust you? Or maybe life just feels so blah now that you're left feeling lethargic, stressed-out, weary, or flat? Maybe the idea of peeling yourself off the couch to connect with someone just sounds like way too much work? Maybe you're not getting enough life-enhancing dopamine?

In my latest class for Friendship University I had the awesome privilege to interview the foremost authority on the combined fields of neurobiology and relationships.  Dr. Amy Banks, the author of Wired to Connect: The Surprising Link Between Brain Science and Strong, Healthy Relationships, walked us through the four ways we can improve our brain function in order to improve our relationships.

Science is continuing to reinforce that every single one of us is hardwired for connection.  Which means that when we feel loved and supported: our immune system is healthier, we recover from surgery and sickness faster, our bodies protect us from the impact of stress, we feel happier, and we live longer. And... in light of our conversation today: we feel more energy when we connect.

How Do Relationships Give Us Energy?

The human brain is designed to give us a dose of dopamine--the  chemical that not only lights up our pleasure center but also helps give us the energy to move toward rewards--every time we do something life-sustaining.

Dr. Banks says:

"Eating, drinking, water, exercise, sex, and healthy relationships are all supposed to trigger feel-good sensations, to make us want to do the things that are good for us."

She is quick to caution us that we "all live from one dopamine hit to another" (because it's natural for us to want to feel good!) but that if the human brain can't get that hit in healthy ways this is what drives so many of us to look for substitutes: shopping, gambling, over-eating, or anything that leads to addiction.

But What If Relationships Don't Give Me Energy?

In an ideal world, as babies we received love, touch, and connection that paired those actions with our dopamine producers.  Studies shows that when that link between relationships and reward was reinforced, it set us up for improved social status and social support.

But for many of us, if our childhood relationships were stressful or harmful, or if we were taught to be fiercely independent or perceived as weak for wanting connection, then relationships didn't get paired with our dopamine reward system as they were supposed to.  Which, according to Dr. Banks, means that "instead of becoming energized by friendships--even good ones--they are drained and depleted by the interaction."

Feeling disconnected provokes our stress response systems which raises our anxiety, provokes irritability, and leads us to assuming that we're being left out or rejected, even if we aren't. Which means what we need the most--connection--is unfortunately not only what we probably fear the most but also what we're least likely to feel energized to pursue.

But Dr. Banks and numerous other voices out there are encouraging us: we can heal our damaged pathways.  (If you haven't yet watched Johann Hari's TED talk reminding us that the opposite of addition isn't sobriety, but connection-- then it's a must see!)  In the book Wired to Connect she says,

But there is plenty that you can do to nourish your neurological pathways for connection. If they are damaged, you can start to heal them. If they are neglected, you can cultivate them. And if they are stressed, you can soothe them."

How To Move Toward More Energy in Relationships

Dr. Banks gives so many brain exercises and activities in her book to practice reconnecting the dopamine reward system to healthy relationships, and our GirlFriendCircles.com community is so enjoying the class, our worksheets, and our conversation this month as we dive deeper on the subject, but let me leave you with just one of her very practical ideas to try.

1. Identify the relationships that give you energy.  Who are those people for you?  With whom do you feel the safest? What relationships in your life give you some sense of reward or pleasure, even if small?
2. Try to spend more time connecting with those people. For many of us, depending on our jobs, we might be spending the bulk of our days around people we didn't choose, or with people who drain us. It becomes even more imperative to try to lean in to more time with anyone who does energize us.  It might mean calling our mom a bit more often, initiating time with a friend, or practicing more conversation with a safe person.

It seems counter-intuitive that when we lack energy that we need to then identify relationships to seek out, but Dr. Banks assures us that identifying our "strongest sources of relational dopamine" will give us our best shot at repairing our reward systems. Perhaps knowing that as you reconnect those wires, that what costs you energy now will reward you with energy down the road, will give you courage.

I do want to point out, what I hope is obvious, that "more relationships" aren't the answer to everyone's weariness. Much like how food is good for us and also gives us energy-- the answer isn't just eat more food! Over-eating can make us lethargic, too!  Or not eating the right food.  Or not having a good relationships to food or our bodies.  Or maybe your food is perfect and what you need is more sleep!  :) But please, when you're avoiding people because you don't have the energy, consider the possibility that sometimes, counter-intuitively, we need to connect instead of withdraw.

xoxo,

Shasta

p.s.  Interested in the Friendship University class? It comes with membership to those in GirlFriendCircles.com.  Every month we offer a new theme, a new teacher, new worksheet, and new friendship actions to practice-- join us in October and get access to this class immediately!

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The 7 Verbs for Better Sex, Works for Friendships, Too

To say that I am impressed with the work of the acclaimed "sex therapist"--Dr. Esther Perel-- would be an understatement. And seeing that she's a New York Times bestseller and viral Ted Talk presenter, I clearly am not alone in my esteem.  She is known for her research and work around sex, infidelity, marriage, and the difference between desire and love.

While I am constantly reminding all of us that we need to expand our understanding of the word intimacy to be about more than sex (we all need far more intimacy in our lives than any romantic relationship--or act within that relationship--can provide!), that's not to say that the principles of healthy romance can't inform healthy friendships!  Intimacy-- the act of being close and feeling bonded-- might look different in specifics with a romantic partner, but the general values are similar in any relationship.

Esther Perel's 7 Verbs for Better Relationships

Sitting in the audience of one of Esther Perel's talks this last Sunday night inspired me in many ways, but one idea I knew I had to share this week with all of you was her 7 verbs to healthier relationships.  Similar to how we might learn the same core verbs when learning a new language (e.g. to have, to want, to be), she offers up 7 verbs that she feels are core to sustained love.

Obviously in a sexual relationship, the verbs might be more specific to how you behave in the bedroom, but those same verbs can be incredibly powerful and convicting when we think about how we practice them in any realm of life, including our friendships.

When looking at these seven verbs, ask yourself: How comfortable am I at practicing this verb? How hard or easy are each of these actions for me?

1. To Ask: What do we need? Do we ask for it? Instead of telling people what we don't want or being hurt when they don't meet our needs-- are we becoming more practiced with requesting what we want and need? This is so crucial-- I talk about it a lot in Frientimacy because so many friendships experience misunderstandings simply because we didn't ask for what would have felt good.What do you need to ask for from your friends?
2. To Give: Are we generous? Do we enjoy bringing pleasure and joy to others? Can we give without strings attached? Do we notice opportunities for giving and then take them?  My guess is that most of us do this one pretty well-- at least most of us report that we feel like we're the "givers" in our friendships, but maybe an inquiry is whether we are doing it with joy and generosity? What do you need to give to yourself and/or your friendships?
3. To Receive: Are we quick to receive what is given-- be it offers to help or compliments? Do we say thank you, instead of brushing the gifts away? Do we let others give to us without fear, score-keeping, or feelings of inferiority? Can we sit back and take in the generosity of others? Again, in Frientimacy I have a whole chapter talking about this because for those of us who feel like we give so much, the answer may not be that we need to give less, but that we need to receive more? Women, especially, find this one hard because we like how it feels to be the giver and we're afraid of having needs or being seen as narcissistic or arrogant. What do you need to receive from yourself and your friends?
4. To Take:  Can we take what we need without needing to wait for others to grant us permission or offer it up? Are we empowered to identify what feels good and pursue it? I LOVE that this is a different verb than to "receive." For many of us, we need to say "yes" to help or "thank you" to an affirmation, but there are so many things we need to "take" that we can't wait for someone to offer.  Some of us need to take more days off, some of us need to take control of our work, some of us need to take the time to have a courageous conversation, and some of us need to take the initiative.  What do you need to take that would matter to you and/or your friendships?
5. To Imagine:  We don't talk about this one much, but what do you need to imagine in your relationships? How comfortable are you at thinking outside the box? How willing are you to fantasize about what you could experience? How willing are you share your dreams and hopes with others?  Obviously in a sexual situation, to be able to share one's fantasies with a partner looks different from sharing our dreams, ideas, and hopes with a friend-- but they both take vulnerability as we risk sharing "bigger" and "more" with another.  Where do you need to imagine? What imaginations might want to be shared with another?
6. To Share: hmmmm.... this is a powerful word, different still from giving and receiving, huh? Whether it's the picture of a child who is sharing a toy (not giving it away) or the idea of sitting on a couch and sharing stories with a friend, the idea of sharing is that we are doing something together, not just doing it beside each other as we each do our own thing. The dictionary defines it as "having portion of something with another." How well do you share with your friends? How does sharing look different from giving to you? What could you share that would feel bonding?
7. To Refuse: Esther made the statement: "If you've never had the freedom to say no, then you've never had the permission to say yes." Wow, let that one soak in.  Are you comfortable saying no to your friends? Are you willing to refuse what doesn't feel good? We often feel like we have to always say yes "because they're my friend" but I actually teach the opposite: It should be with our friends that we can practice this verb most safely! We need to practice saying no and trust that our friends will trust us more when we say yes because we've proven we can say no. What do you need to practice refusing? Where do you need to say no?

Aren't those powerful? Which one is the one that is most difficult for you or the one you do the least often?  Which one do you need to practice more within your friendships?  Which one is calling out to you say "Pay attention to opportunities to act on this verb!"

Improving our friendships, and feeling greater intimacy, might not be doing "more" of what comes easiest to us, but it might be doing "more" of that which feels the most difficult?

As your muscles get more practiced at all seven of these verbs-- I hope primarily for more meaningful platonic friendships, but I would also be thrilled if it led to better sex, too.  May you develop greater intimacy in all the relationships you crave! xoxo

Tips for Small Group Facilitators

A group facilitator can make or break a gathering.  We've all been in a group where the facilitator thought she was the teacher and talked ad nauseam, and we've also been witness to the run-away train where they take such a back-seat role that the conversation just blows with the wind.

But hopefully we've also been in groups where we feel supported, guided, and nurtured as part of one big awesome conversation. There are few events more powerful and energizing than being in a group of women engaged in deep conversation and connection!

To that end, when I wrote up a book club guide (which we loving refer to as BookCircles) for my newest book Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness I also included some tips for anyone who wants to host one.

If you feel so inspired--be sure to download the Frientimacy gift pack on my website which not only walks you through 1-4 evenings of connecting but also guides you in figuring out who to invite and how to plan. The only thing better than inviting a group of women over to connect with each other is also having them talk and learn about friendship at the same time!

Tips for Facilitating:

Whether you're leading a BookCircle for Frientimacy or find yourself hosting a gathering or circle some other time, may these tips inspire you to remember what matters most.

• Your Focus: Always remember that the focus isn’t to impress those who come or to have a “perfect” party; but rather it is to help facilitate love and connection. I always say a prayer before everyone arrives “Help everyone who comes through that door to feel loved and seen.” Exhale any worry about how others perceive you and instead focus on making sure everyone leaves feeling your warmth. People won’t remember what was said or how you looked—they’ll remember how they felt.

• Timing: I think it’s respectful to start and end on time so I always plan out my evening starting from the end time. If I want to end by x time then I to be starting the goodbyes and announcements 7 minutes before then, which means asking the final question, 10 minutes before that, etc. I write in little suggested times throughout my itinerary so that at any given point I can quickly assess if I have extra time or am short on time—allowing me to make decisions about what to prioritize with the given time. Similarly, we need to think through how much time we want to allot for certain sections: For example, if you have 6 women all introducing themselves for 3 min each then it will take about 20 minutes to do introductions. Do you need to model a shorter introduction so it only takes 15 minutes?

• Modeling: Our role as facilitators is not to teach and monopolize the conversation but to help facilitate everyone else’s sharing. Many people process the concepts as they talk and listen so we want to encourage the diversity of sharing from as many voices as possible. However, when it comes to going around the circle, I always share first to buy everyone time to think and to model vulnerability and timing. We want to keep our answer as short as we want everyone else’s to be. We also want to answer with as much authenticity as possible as that gives permission to everyone else to answer with honesty as well. We are setting the tone: what you put out is what will get duplicated.

• Format Variety: You’ll notice I mix up many different ways of facilitating, including: group discussion where anyone can talk or not, go around the circle where each person shares once, partners where two people share with each other, and small groups where the group is split into 2 or more smaller groups. This helps ensure that the talkative people don’t monopolize the evening and that everyone gets chances to share and talk, it keeps everyone more engaged and prevents boredom, and helps people bond with different people. Follow my suggestions or experiment on your own as timing limitations and group personalities inspire you.

• Beginning and Ending: It’s important to begin and end every group with circle sharing—everyone going around the circle to check-in and be seen. Be diligent about starting and ending well—with warmth, vision, and an invitation for everyone to enter and exit the circle with love and grace. The questions can change depending on the event or how well everyone knows each other-- but they can be as simple as "What interested you most about coming tonight?" as a way of each person introducing themselves; and ending with a version of "What is one thing you're taking away with you tonight?"

• Names: Nothing worse for bonding than not remembering each others names. Erase any fear anyone might have of not remembering someone’s names by always reminding women to state their name when they talk if there is any chance that someone in the group may not remember or know everyone. I’d rather error on the side of saying names one too many times, than not enough times. When people are nervous it’s harder for them to recall names. Consider using name tags every week if it’s a group of people who haven’t all met before.

• Responding to Sharing: One pitfall of many groups is that they chase rabbits—one thought reminds someone of a story which triggers someone else to remember what they read once which gets someone else going on a rant. What we want to do is try to keep the focus on whoever’s turn it is to talk (gently give the floor back to them if/after someone hijacks it—i.e. “Danielle... was there anything else you wanted to say about what you were sharing?) and try to keep the sharing on the question at hand (i.e. “oh that sounds so interesting... but in trying to answer this question specifically, what would you say?"). I implement a “thank you for sharing” rule in most of my groups which means we are mindful that our collective jobs aren’t to give advice, interrupt, or recall stories after someone’s share but rather we all say “Thank you for sharing!” before going to the next person so we can acknowledge we heard them without having to respond to all the details they shared. (Especially helpful in a “go around the circle” or “partner” format.)

• Affirming: One of the best gifts we can give is affirming our guests through the evening—reminding them we value them and see them. It can be as easy as saying “oh great thought!” after they share or as intentional as telling them what we appreciated about their involvement before they leave.

• Logistics and Roles: One of the most important roles we play as a facilitator is providing the container for the experience. The container includes overseeing logistics—location, reminders, clear instructions, etc. But it doesn’t mean we have to do everything—provide food/drink or facilitate every time. It just means we’ll make sure it happens. In fact, attendance is improved when people have a role—even if it’s just to bring napkins. We are more likely to show up if we think our presence will be missed; so more important than impressing everyone with doing it all is often our willingness to let go and let others. Maybe see if anyone else wants to facilitate different weeks (and share this guide with them!) or have everyone volunteer to bring different food items, or be in charge of different tasks (posting photos, starting a Facebook group page, or sending out reminders).

And I welcome you adding to the list by suggesting other tips that matter to you either as the facilitator or as one of the attendees-- what do you most appreciate?

May we continue to find ourselves gathered in meaningful ways....

If my friend really liked me then she'd initiate more...

I ruffled a few feathers last week with my post about being willing to be the friend who initiates more with others than they seem to reciprocate. Several of us feel like we're making more time for our friendships than others are... So first a hearty thank you to all of you left comments and shared your feelings! My answer was in response to a girl asking how to build relationships when it seemed others didn't make the time.  But for many of you, you expressed that for you this isn't a strategy issue but rather one that actually hurts your feelings and leaves you feeling insecure.

Therefore, I want to jump off from that post to talk about the danger of taking the actions of others personally.

In my upcoming book Frientimacy I share amazing research about how painful it is for any of us to think we're being rejected. It's a very real feeling and it hurts.  I totally understand why we all feel so fearful about being seen as wanting a friendship more than someone else, or worrying about whether this is their way of saying "I don't want to be your friend." But if we take the busy-ness of others as a personal offense then we'll not only stay lonely for a long time, but we'll be miserable and sad, too.

Their Actions Hurt Our Feelings

In my first marriage I cried myself to sleep a number of nights. At the time I was convinced those hurt feelings were his fault. I was in graduate school and had to be in class by 7 am so our needs would clash when he wanted to stay up late watching some new show called The Daily Show instead of come to bed with me. (Ha! Little did I know how much I'd come to love that show year later!) I held an ideal image in my head that couples go to bed at the same time.  I wanted to talk and cuddle and connect with him. To make a long story short-- despite my invitations, my tears, and my begging-- I occasionally went to bed alone. And when I did... my heart would break.

To many others this story might not sound so bad.  He certainly wasn't an awful person for wanting to stay up and laugh. But I had gotten it in my head that he was choosing that over me.  In other words, I believed a narrative that whispered: "If he really loved me, he would see how important this is to me and come to bed with me."

We do this all the time in all our relationships, even our friendships:

• If she really understood me then she'd know not to ask that question...
• If she really trusted me then she'd have told me about that problem...
• If she really appreciated me then she'd have done more to say thanks...
• If she really valued me then she'd remember my birthday...
• If she really cared about me then she'd have offered to help me...

And the one that hits a little closer to home from the last post:

• If she really liked me then she'd initiate us getting together more often...

Our feelings are hurt and it makes sense that we'd be tempted to look for who is causing that pain. When we see them doing something we don't want, or not doing something we do want, then we're quick to assume they are to blame for our hurt feelings, insecurities, or anger.

It's Not About Us

But here's the truth, that's easier to see when it's someone else's narrative (hence why I shared from my marriage) and not our own: how other people act says more about them than it does about us.

And what it says about them isn't the bad that we often assume it is.

Take my ex-husband for example. I valued going to bed together early.  Nothing inherently wrong with that desire, but neither is it better than his needs and desires. Perhaps he valued decompressing after a long day, perhaps his life was draining and it needed more laughter, perhaps he needed more freedom, autonomy and independence in life, or perhaps his body cycle was just different from mine and he wasn't tired yet? All of those are just as valid as my need.

And here's what I know to my core now that I have experience more growth and maturity since those fights long ago: I don't believe for a second that he ever stayed up thinking to himself: "I hope she knows now that I don't love her." I absolutely know that was never the message he was trying to send.

Yet, I cried in bed, suffering, worrying, and shrinking because of the meaning I assigned to his actions.

Many a woman goes to bed before her partner and isn't crying and hurting over it.  I chose my suffering because of what I chose to think about someone else's actions.

In the best-selling book The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz teaches that the Second Agreement, if we want to live lives full of joy and peace, is "Don't Take Anything Personally." He says,

"Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about 'me'."

In the case of a friend not calling, inviting, and reaching out-- it would be easy to take it personally:  she doesn't like me; or to blame and devalue her: "I don't need friends like that-- I deserve better!"  Our ego is convinced it either means she doesn't think we're good enough or that we don't think she's good enough.  But one way or another: someone is bad.

But no friendship will ever blossom with that fear and frustration.  The best chances we have for creating the love around us that we want is to keep putting out love and ensuring that our actions are in alignment with that desire.  We want to keep inviting and stay as warm as possible.

The Caveats

So am I saying be a stalker?  No.  :) If she is rude, ignores your invitations completely, has never once said yes, or just acts miserable when we're together-- then, you're right: move on. (It's still not about you though!)

But recognize that our tendency to assume others are trying to reject us is just our own made-up story. Most women out there want more meaning relationships in their lives and you can help show the how that's done-- most of them will thank you for it someday. (And in the meantime you get what you wanted: more time with friends!)

• It's okay to keep inviting if she sometimes says yes and answers our invitation-- it doesn't need to be 50/50.
• We can't expect a new-ish friend to make the same kind of time for us that she might if we were close friends.  We can keep building the relationship slowly and trust the growth.
• If you've been friends for a while and she's not as responsive as she used to be, check in with her and see how she's doing... (she may be feeling hurt too!)... it's not stalking to keep trying to engage with those who we are in relationship with.
• If you're trying to start friendships-- put out a net instead of a fishing line! Don't zero in on one person, but stay open to developing several friendships at once.

We're the ones well aware of how important friendship is to our life... for us to keep reaching out doesn't help them as much as it helps us.  We aren't doing them this amazing favor as much as we are gifting ourselves with the likelihood that with our efforts we will keep developing the intimacy and love with others that we crave. It is a mutual relationship if we enjoy being with them when they say yes.

I'd rather error on the side of having reached out one too many times than to have stopped one time too few? If I can not take it personally then I can go down swinging for love and friendship.

Does that make sense, in general?  I know it's easy to try to find the exception... but overall can you see that it's better to put love out there than to keep track of scores, and better to assume the best of others than take it personally? I'm not saying it's easy but I think it's worth practicing!

Hosting a Friendship Book Club

Huge thanks to Kristen Baker for writing up her experience with hosting a book club about my last book, Friendships Don't Just Happen, so her story might inspire a few of you to do the same!  Imagine having a fun evening together and engaging in conversations about your friendships while all learning together what it takes to create healthy and meaningful connections? Win:win!If you do decide to try it, I wrote up discussion guides you can download for free whether you want to do a 1-time book club or a 4-week book-club. Not sure who to invite? Read this post for ideas!

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Girlfriends, I had a blast leading a book club gathering around Shasta's fantastic book Friendships Don't Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Friends.

I read Shasta's book after hearing her guest interview on Christine Arylo's class  (Me before We) on self-love and just loved her content. As I poured into FDJH, I started to see

Huge thanks Kristen for being a part of inspiring healthy friendships by hosting a book club... and thanks for sharing a bit of it with us!

patterns from my past emerge, patterns in my friendships, family relationships, even dating. It was truly a book about connection, intimacy, and vulnerability. I had so many "ah-has" and "Ohhhh that's why that happened," moments while I was reading. My eyes even welled up with tears as I read the chapter on forgiveness - releasing some past feelings of rejection.

So naturally, I had to share it with my group here in Houston. I lead a sisterhood for self-exploration, a coaching community - the Divas, here in Houston (and online) and we have a monthly book club, so I added FDJH to the docket. A small group started trickling in, and we started sharing our experiences from the book. The beautiful irony was experiencing these Divas sharing their struggles with vulnerability WHILE BEING VULNERABLE. While being authentic. They showed up, shared their struggles, we connected. It was magical.

The common themes that came up for us:

• Our right-side friends (the deeper friendships) were not as full as many wanted.
• We practiced gratitude for the left-side (we even had one ah-ha that if one of the women went back and re-did her circles again and added her male friendships - it would have been a much fuller chart!).
• We talked about friendship and how it impacted our life goals, how friendship fit into the greater context of our life. We contemplated: how does it all fit together?
• We talked about the overlap in romantic relationships, family relationships, dating, to what we had learned in the book.
• We talked about what gets in the way of vulnerability: messages from our parents, past rejections and disappointments, rejection of self, approval-seeking.
• We talked about opening up the possibilities of WHO we would pursue friendships with.

Some ah-has from our group:

1. "Accepting yourself is the key to building intimacy"
2. "Friendships don't just happen" (yes, this was an ah-ha! ha)
3. "That I am not as vulnerable in my current relationships as I would like to be"

My personal takeaways:

• I love connecting over a book club. So, yes, check - I want more of that!
• I continue to deepen my understanding of friendship, and frientimacy as a practice of self-love, self-trust, self-acceptance. And really enjoy deepening that awareness.

I am so glad I chose this book for discussion, I may have a round two because there is so much richness in the book, it is chock full of insights and I could talk about relationships, intimacy and vulnerability for HOURS. And it is really beautiful to watch people open up about their experiences with friendships.

All in all, a wonderful experience and I would highly recommend it.

Love,

Kristen

Kristen Baker is a life and career coach, find out more about her here.

Instead of just reading about friendship, lead a book circle that actually fosters friendships! :)

Don't yet have your own copy of Friendships Don't Just Happen!-- Buy it here!

Did you read the book or lead a group? Share with us in the comments a bit about your experience.  Or feel free to ask any questions about how to host-- we'll help!  :)

Expectation Hangovers in Friendships

When I saw that my friend Christine Hassler was celebrating the launch of her new book with a book party in NYC when I happened to be in town for another event, I quickly signed up to be there, one more woman celebrating the completion of such a huge goal in her life. While I went to support her and cheer her on, it hit me as I was sitting there listening to her workshop on dealing with disappointment that I actually need her book!  Ha! I left there excited to read Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life.

This season of my life feels full of unmet expectations, unattainable hopes, and discouraging responses. I try to cheer myself up with thoughts like "Now Shasta, you know grief and and crisis and this is no where close to that," and  "Seriously, your life is good, stop feeling discouraged. Focus on all that you have!" Sometimes those little talks give me the perspective I need, but often they just leave me feeling guilty that I even felt bad to begin with. The truth is that with many unmet expectations comes a bit of loss, which naturally leads to sadness.

And it got me to thinking about how often we have expectation hangovers in our friendships, too.

Unmet Expectations in Friendship

I know I've felt them before, and I've heard from many of you that you, too, know the feeling of wanting those friendships to be easier, faster, or more meaningful.

• After a great time together, you hope she'll reach out and she doesn't.
• You wrote her an email and she didn't write back.
• You went to a ConnectingCircle hoping to make new friends and there was no one you really clicked with.
• You've known her for months now, but it never feels like your friendship is progressing deeper.
• She said something that felt judgmental when you really just hoped for an evening where you felt supported.
• You leave a dinner party and think it was a waste to go since there was no deep conversation that happened.
• You hang out with a friend but she doesn't ask you about your life.
• You were moving and hoped your friend would offer to help pack boxes but she was too busy to notice.
• You keep trying to be friendly to everyone you meet but never quite feel like you're making real friends.

You know the feeling.  Sometimes we don't even think we have "high expectations" but in the aftermath of an experience, we feel weary, depressed, and more discouraged than if we hadn't even tried.

Transform the Hangovers

Far be it from me to try to teach in a blog post what took Christine an entire book to teach (she does a fabulous job of helping readers not just want to "get-over" these disappointments but to transform their lives through processing them on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and behavioral level) but I asked her if I could at least share an excerpt from her book with you that might be of value in your friendships:

Excerpt from Christine: Don't Go to a Chinese Restaurant Looking for Nachos! 

"If you were craving nachos, would you go to a Chinese restaurant? No! Because you know that in a Chinese restaurant, they don’t serve nachos. In fact, they probably wouldn’t even have the ingredients to make them. If you really wanted nachos, you would go somewhere where they serve them, right?

Most of the time, we know what we are craving when we reach out to someone else. If someone in your life has consistently reacted and responded in a way that has not satisfied your needs, chances are they do not have the ingredients to do so. Continuing to go to that person, hoping that someday what you are hungry for appears on their menu, is like continuing to walk into a Chinese restaurant when you want nachos. You may get fed, but not with what you truly wanted to eat. And now the only leftover you have is an Expectation Hangover.

We cannot change people. I repeat: we cannot change people. This can be especially challenging when you really want a significant person in your life, such as a parent or romantic partner, or best friend to be able to satisfy your cravings. However, sometimes they just don’t have the ingredients to do so. Other people are not wrong if they don’t live up to your expectations; they are who they are. Accept what they do have to offer you.

Think of some of your common “cravings” that involve being supported by others: someone to just listen; an objective resource for feedback; someone to laugh with; someone you feel safe to be vulnerable with; a person who will offer time and physical assistance when you need help with a move or project; or someone who is encouraging. Now consider which people you go to for those things but who you come away from with an Expectation Hangover. Make a commitment to yourself that you will stop going to them when you have a craving for something they cannot dish out. Love and accept them for who they are; they are doing the best they can. Consider the people who do match up with some of your cravings — there may be a lot of cooks in your kitchen that you might not have been aware of because you were hanging on to expectations of others. Being conscious and proactive regarding our expectations of others is how we get desires and needs met in healthy and expectation-free ways.

It is true that we can be catalysts for another person’s change, but in most cases in order to be that catalyst, we have to be totally unattached to being it. Working and endlessly hoping to change someone else will not only lead to an Expectation Hangover, but it will also distract you from doing your own work. Often it is detachment, acceptance, and honoring our own truth that inspire others to find the truth within themselves.

Now think about who you go to when you are craving support, encouragement, guidance, unbiased advice, loving feedback, or acknowledgment. Do you go to people who are consistently able to dish out what you are hungry for? Or do you find yourself going to people who do not have what you need on their menu and then find yourself consistently discouraged and disappointed?"

I believe entirely that many more friendships could be fulfilling if we saw them for who they are, rather than wishing they would be someone different.  May you love your friendships for what they are, while continuing to be on the hunt for the "restaurant" that serves the best nachos in town!

xoxo,

Shasta

p.s.  Christine is still traveling to LA, Chicago, Austin and Dallas for the rest of her book tour. Use the code CHRISTINEFRIEND to save $10! You get a whole 2-hour workshop-- super good!

p.s.s. I LOVED all the interaction on the post last week!  Makes me happy to connect with you.  Share with us an expectation hangover you're going through, or what's helped you transform disappointment into learning-- and I'll come comment as much as I can! xoxo

The Test that 70% of Us Are Failing

Researchers are scratching their heads trying to figure out why it's so rare to have women talking to each other about something other than men.

The Bechdel Test for Movies

If you watched Miss Representation several years ago or have read articles that have talked about how few movies have strong women characters that aren't completely focused on a male, then you're familiar with the Bechdel Test.

The Bechdel Test requires that a movie must meet minimum standards to get receive a passing grade.  Those minimum standards include that the movie dialogue must show 1) two women talking to each other 2) about something other than a man.  Some add the requirement that both women actually have to have a name (and not just be "girl behind the counter") or that the conversation has to last at least 60 seconds long.

On paper these standards don't seem entirely too lofty to me.   But apparently only about half of the movies end up passing the grade, with the minimum of requirements.

The irony is that we get our panties all twisted every year during Award season as we realize how few of the big movies actually show women talking to each other or not having the entire dialogue revolve around the men in the story, and yet our own lives are showing even worse results!

The Bechdel Test in Our Lives

When asked if they had at least two female friends who they talk to about something besides men, Yale researchers found that only 30 percent of women are able to say yes.

Among those under 35, their favorite theme for discussion is "boys" and for those over the age of 35, the answer shifts only slightly to "spouses."

We are relational creatures, and our romantic relationships are certainly some of the most defining ones in our lives, but really?!?

When we could be talking about things such as our personal growth, news stories that impact us, our changing relationships to our parents, how our identities keep shifting, our insecurities at work, our dreams about what we want to contribute to this world, the projects that light us up, the hobbies that energize us,  the unjust behaviors happening to women around the world, or the ideas that stimulate our brains.  There is so much in this world to talk about in addition to romance.  The world needs us talking about so very many other things.

Intentionally Expanding our Female Relationships

This is, at least, a two-prong issue.

The first is that we have to have more than two women we talk with for more than 60 seconds at a time.  Research is revealing several things that could certainly make time among women more rare: some women who don't confide in anyone other than their guy, some are wary of female friendships, claiming to be more of a "girl who gets along better with guys," some simply have tons of acquaintances but no one they really have deep conversations with, and some are willing to have these conversations but just don't know anyone to confide in.

Clearly, for many, the need is simply establishing more female friendships so that if our lives were being filmed for a movie-- there would be many scenes filled with us having substantial conversations with other women.

The second issue though is that for those of us who do have many female friendships-- we need to practice expanding what we talk about!  We need to practice being together sharing way more about our lives than simply how we feel about how one person in the world feels about us at any given moment.

In short we need more meaningful friendships with other women-- relationships that feel safe and healthy because they are built on us sharing about ourselves in a wide variety of ways.  Relationships that support our romantic interests, but that also support all the other sides of us, too!

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Starting NEXT week!  "The Friendships You've Always Wanted! Learning a Better Way to Meet-Up, Build-Up, and Break-Up with Your Friends!"

I really hope you'll consider joining us this September-- International Women's Friendship Month--where we will all make a commitment for one month to focus on increasing the frientimacy (friendship intimacy with other women) in our lives!

With our workbook and lots of inspiring interviews-- we will find ways to 1) make more female friends and 2) do so in such a way that they are much deeper than any one topic!  :)

www.FriendshipsWanted.com

Feminism is a Friendship Issue

Last night three of us sat in the beautiful living room of my friend's brand new condo. It was gorgeous. We toasted her buying her own home (in the Bay Area that is a HUGE feat!), and indirectly toasted the business she started several years ago that has given her such financial opportunities.  She is nothing short of amazing as she builds her empire, hires employees, travels the world, and fills her life up with the experiences that matter most to her. Not being married....

And yet she shared how exhausting it is to feel like others assume she's done something wrong to still be single. Their statements, their questions, their looks of pity, their advice... it can all feel isolating and condemning.

She'll be the first to say that she so looks forward to being in a relationship that feels healthy, fun, and meaningful so it's not that she prefers being single. But she prefers being single to being in a relationship that is empty of the things she values; she's unwilling to get married to just be married.

She doesn't need our advice to try online dating; she doesn't need us trying to encourage her by reminding her the perks of being single; she doesn't need us to tell her that she just needs to get more comfortable being by herself.

What she needs are women who will just let her tell her own story and experience, women who are able to hold both the truth that there are parts that can "suck" about be single and the hope with her that it will still happen; all without implying that there is something wrong with her or that she's not doing life right.

I'm not single, and yet I know the feeling.

Not having kids....

At my most recent speaking engagement I must have fielded the question, "Do you have kids?" at least seventy times in that one day.  For the first 50 responses I kept whispering to myself, "They're just trying to connect with me.  They're just trying to find common ground on the area of life that matters most to them.  Don't read anything else into it."

But by mid-afternoon, I was exhausted.  I was weary of feeling like they wanted me to have kids as though I'd have more credibility to them if I did.  My insecurities were starting to flare up and the fear of "not being enough" was lodging itself in my chest. The voice of shame began to whisper: "You're not a real woman unless you're a mom.  They think you can't relate.  They will trust you more if your life looks just like theirs."

I felt judged and dismissed; but I didn't want to adopt that story because I don't think anyone was trying to judge me.  So I've spent the last week processing those fears with close girlfriends, journaling, talking with my husband, and coaxing my voice of wisdom to speak louder than my voice of fear.

The irony here is that the third friend I was with last night is married and a mom.  But she too knew the feeling we were describing.

Not having enough kids...

She has an only child and fields similar-feeling questions all the time about whether she's going to have another, when, and why it's the best thing to do for x, y, and z reasons.

Without knowing her circumstances, her heart, her body, or the details of her life-- she feels like other women presume there is a "correct" path that should be followed.  Like me feeling dismissed with statements like, "well of course you can do that because you don't have kids," she feels that way because "she only has one and that's easy!"

I've also heard women who have more than the presumed 2-3 kids talk about feeling judged, too.

And let's not sidestep that everything I've seen on feminism lately has more to do with how much a women "leans in" or "reclines" in her career once she has a family so we know that there is massive insecurities getting flared up in that arena as everyone struggles with trying to do it all right.

And, of course we all know, that you can be married, with the 2.5 kids, surrounded by the proverbial white picket fence, and still incur the feelings of not be enough, competing with other moms, and feeling as though no one understands just how unique or difficult our personal experience is-- whether we have twins, an adopted child, a special needs baby, a difficult teenager, or a an adult child that lives at home-- the list goes on and on of things that quickly push us to feel like something is wrong with our lives.

Feminism must start in our friendships and spread out...

Last week, a friend and I sat in the audience to listen to Debora Spar, author of Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection, who spoke about how she believes we've lost sight of the original goal of feminism being to liberate women.  The data she shared made a convincing case that not only have the numbers not really budged beyond the "token 1-2 women" in the upper echelons of most industries, but that more discouraging is the fact that we're not yet acting like liberated women on the inside, either.  Our body image hasn't improved in the last number of decades, we're exhausted and weary, we are more educated and yet feel more incompetent, we never feel like we're doing enough, we feel guilty for not making homemade Halloween costumes, and we're not reporting higher levels of happiness.

Last night, sipping tea, I looked at these two dear friends of mine and thought, "How is it that we are all strong, self-aware, healthy, vibrant, happy, spiritually-engaged, and pursuing our dreams, and yet still enslaved by this idea that we're not really a woman until/unless we do x?"

And while I believe there are some serious systemic issues that need to be addressed to help level the playing field, I also think women are doing a lot of this to ourselves and each other.  It's women who are editors of the magazines featuring photo-shopped women, it's women looking down on other women for making different life choices, it's women who are forgetting that every time they judge someone else that it heightens their own insecurity.

Insecurity about our lives leads to judgment of others. We all want validation that we're doing the best we can and that it's enough. And if someone makes a different choice than we do then we are tempted to believe that one of us made the wrong choice.  And we don't want it to be us, so it must be them.

And that is a faulty paradigm.  We aren't competitors, we're sisters. Truly connected; our fate is shared in so many ways as a rising tide lifts all boats.  While we're out there campaigning for equal pay and corner offices, we also have to do the work of making sure we're not like prisoners who no longer live behind bars but still don't know how to enjoy freedom.

The part of feminism I care about most is how we feel about ourselves.  And that is shaped by the relationship we have with ourselves (finding our own peace in our choices and being centered in our own worth), the relationship we have with what I call God (understanding why we're on this planet, our calling, our value, what makes us special), and the relationship we have with those around us (practicing the shining of our light and seeing how special everyone else is, too).

Last night, the three of us women, whose lives don't mirror each others at all, shared our hearts, spoke our truth, and validated each other in meaningful ways.  We promise to cheer for each other, even when one of us has something the other seemingly wants.  We promise to not take it personally when someone makes a choice different from ours. We promise to ask questions and listen to each others stories as if we're each a traveler who has visited countries that we won't be seeing; instead of trying subtly convince each other to follow the same path we did.  And we promise to do the personal work in our own lives to show up with as much vulnerability, honesty, courage, and love, as we possibly can.

We practiced feminism-- liberating each other to live the best life we each created.

And the more we do that with each other, the more we can do that with the women we have yet to meet.

Feminism is in trouble the more disconnected women get from ourselves and each other.

A Round-Up of Books to Help Your Friendships

A couple of years ago when my agent was pitching my book to publishers, a common response was, "Oh we love Shasta's writing, her platform, and her message, but unfortunately women just don't buy books on friendship." The message we heard repeatedly: women will buy armloads of cookbooks, weight loss books, romance, and parenting... but when it comes to our friendships we think we know what there is to know.  (Either that or we don't care what we don't know?!)  And yet, for all that we want our friendships to just happen automatically, stay easy, and never leave us unsure of how to respond-- chances are high that at any given time, most of us will wish we had a few more meaningful friendships in our lives and wee bit less drama, angst, or uncertainty in the ones we do have.

Furthermore, few things are showing up in our lives as having as much impact on our happiness and health as our friendships are proving to have.  To be clear, all healthy relationships boost our health, but experts acknowledge that our relationships with our kids and spouses are often associated with much of our stress, responsibility, and fear; whereas our friendships can hold the positivity, support, and joy with a little less of the stress and responsibility. So it's that feeling of being connected and engaging in love that boosts our immune system, heals our bodies after surgery, and promotes trust and wellbeing in our lives.  This is no small area of life to leave to chance.

So because most of us want more meaningful relationships AND because few of us have been well-educated on the subject--I decided to offer a little school on friendship this month.  (Did you know it's International Women's Friendship Month! Yes it is!)  And this little Friendship University is opening with an impressive faculty of 13 leading experts (and I plan to keep adding more!) on friendship so that you can have all these psychologists, authors, and experts right at your finger tips!  I'm calling it: The Friendships You've Always Wanted Learning a Better Way to Meet-up, Build-up, and Break-up with Your Friends.  (details at the end to join us! Classes start Monday!)

Here are some of the authors whose books have contributed much to the growing awareness around just how important it is that we courageously keep making new friends, even as adults.

Rachel Bertsche, author of MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend

  Ori Brafman, co-author of Click: The Forces Behind How We Fully Engage with People, Work, and Everything We Do

Dr. Andrea Bonior, author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up with Your Friends

Carlin Flora, author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

Dr. Paul Dobransky, author of The Power of Female Friendship: How Your Circle of Friends Shapes Your Life

Porter Gale, author of Your Network Is Your Net Worth: Unlock the Hidden Power of Connections for Wealth, Success, and Happiness in the Digital Age

Dr. Geoffrey L. Grief, author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships

Sophia Dembling, author of The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World

Dr. Jan Yager, author of When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

Dr. Jan Yager, author of Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives

Diane Gage Lofgren & Margaret Bhola of Women I Want to Grow Old With: Grow Old Together with Courage, Health, and Attitude! (Volume 1)

Christine Arylo, author of Madly in Love with ME: The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend

And the best news?  If you don't have 100+ hours to read all of them, over $200 to buy all of them, or an entire empty shelf to hold all of them, then sign up today to access an hour-long interview with each author condensing their best information in our program starting this Monday!  Or, commit to picking one book that you read through this month and put into practice in your life.

But whether it's buy a book or join "The Friendships You've Always Wanted" program where we will deliver interviews to your inbox 4 days a week-- do something this Friendship Month to invest in growing your friendship wisdom.  Because as much as we want it to, friendships don't just happen!  :)

To our growing friendships,

Shasta Nelson, author of Friendships Don't Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends

p.s.  Here's another blog I wrote where I featured fabulous friendship books-- some books make both lists!

A Doctor's Prescription: Friendship for Health

I landed in New York City today where I will be interviewed for Better Show TV tomorrow morning, attending a women's entrepreneur conference on Wednesday and Thursday, and then be teaching a Friendship Accelerator this weekend before heading home. Every time I land here I have an imaginary playlist in my head busting out Alicia Keys' Empire State of Mind and it makes me feel a little invincible... "I have a pocket full of dreams...there's nothing you can't do, now that you're in New York!" A Health Book I Want to Recommend

So surely I can write a blog post on the road?  :)  I feel excited to share some friendship inspiration from the most recent book I just finished on the plane.  And since this book, Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself comes out tomorrow, the timing couldn't be better!

The author, Lissa Rankin, is an M.D. who practiced traditional medicine, got burned out and quit, and then re-discovered her passion for being a healer but was suspicious that there was a better way.  Her book is a very stimulating, inspiring, and thought-provoking book filled with medical research, stories, and ideas for how we can live healthier lives.  Her passion is healing from our current ailments, of which she herself has experienced personally, but it's more broadly an invitation to all of us to live the most vibrant lives possible whether that means prevention or recovery.  And, of course, her big point is that we, the patients, have a more tremendous role than we often take, and that health includes a lot more than exercise and healthy eating.

Friendship for our Health Keeps Growing in Credibility

So why do I, a friendship expert, want to tell you about a health book?

So glad you asked! Because I underlined everything that had to do with our relationships and realized it was a good portion of the book!  Seriously!

Here are a few quotes:

• "...curing loneliness is as good for your health as giving up smoking."
• "How much we commune with other people may prove as important as exercise when it comes to predicting life expectancy."
• "People with the fewest social ties were three times more likely to die over a nine-year period than those who reported the most social ties, even when you account for preexisting health conditions, socioeconomic status, smoking, alcohol consumption, obesity, race, life satisfaction, physical activity, and use of preventive health services."

I mean, we know that relationships are good for us.  But do we really know it as the deep truth that it is?  I feel like we all give lip service to it, but then keep justifying why we need to work late, be hope with the kids every night and weekend, and how we're just too busy to make time for the very people who can save our lives.

Here's how it works:  basically our bodies know a lot about how to heal ourselves (i.e. wounds turn into scabs, healthy cells fight off disease cells) but that it can only do so when we are not under stress.  For when we feel stress, real or perceived, our bodies are in fight-or-flight mode which means that all repair systems shut down in order to get us through the crisis. (Because who cares about long-term health when you're running for your life?!) But the big problem now is how many of us are living most of our lives with stress!  And when we can't turn off the stress response long-enough or often-enough to trigger our relaxation response then our bodies aren't be given the time to repair, build up, heal, and maintain.

So if the most effective way of telling our bodies that it can repair itself is to reduce stress, then it makes complete sense that things like healthy spirituality, meaningful relationships, calming practices, and good sleep are the best ways for us to add years to our lives.

How to Add More Meaningful Relationships to Our Lives

I'll rattle off a couple things that immediately come to mind if you want to increase your joy and health through your relationships:

1. Forgive & Grieve! The toxicity of not forgiving others is hurting you more than them. For your sake, practice the ability of not holding any grudges. Furthermore, some of us have relationships losses we haven't fully grieved that we can face to find our healing...  Let the past be your past.
2. Increase your Consistency with Someone. Almost Anyone.  If you don't feel like you have the intimate relationships you crave, choose someone you already know and start making an effort to connect more regularly with them. (You don't have to be convinced that they are the perfect BFF for you... just start connecting more to see if it can develop into something that feeds you more than now.)
3. Increase Vulnerability.  I have a whole chapter in my book to this point, but Dr. Rankin describes why this matters so much saying that "shame, secrecy, and isolation are the enemies of the healing process." To be vulnerable, she talks about why we must be ourselves, take our masks off, set up healthy boundaries, and learn to ask for what we need. This point has both to do with our practicing on vulnerability in friendships, but also speaks to how we need to get to know ourselves better and keep increasing our self-love so that when we are in potential relationships we already know who we are and feel our self-worth.
4. Then, Assess.  Forgiving others will do a lot to let go of your past, increasing consistency will help increase the support you feel now, and learning who you are and how to love yourself can all give you some breathing space to think about your future.  Chapters 2 & 3 of my book--Friendships Don't Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends-- will help you assess your relationships so you can then decide which steps you most need to pour your time and energy into.

I think these 4 steps are important (sorry I can only mention them in passing in this context!) especially because making new friends often causes stress before it reduces stress.  In the beginning of new relationships we experience more fear and uncertainty before we can grow those relationships to safe, easy, and comfortable times together.  To that point, it behooves  us to both see our relationship-making as a long-term strategy worthy of our investment and also do what we can to nourish ourselves as much as possible in the process.  Much like how exercise is not a one-time event, friendship-making has to be seen for the pay-off it will have down the road.  It's so worth it!

For as Lissa says, "Every day is an opportunity to deepen your connections to the people you value.  When you let your heart feel, become resilient to shame, end your judgments of others, learn the art of forgiveness, practice being authentic, and lay bare your soul, you allow your mind to work its wonders, optimizing the body for its natural state of self-repair."

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Other posts that speak to some of the subjects mentioned in this post:

Your Brain on Friendships

Are New Friends Worth the Energy Output Required?

Vulnerability, Weight, Nudity, and Judgment

Loneliness & Your Health

"Friendships Don't Just Happen!" is Available for Purchase!

Happy February 5! Book Tour: Hey GirlFriends! I decided on my way to LA to record a short video for you, my community. If you can't join me for one of my book readings in LA, NYC, or CHI this week then I read a bit to you in this video.  :)

Buy on Amazon: Today is the BEST day to buy your copy of the book on Amazon.  Buy a copy today and send your receipt dated 2/5/13 to Maci at Service@GirlFriendCircles.com and she'll send you for FREE the brand-spankin' new 21 Day Workbook that I wrote to go along with the book.

In my opinion, this book would make for an incredible Valentines Day gift to a few girlfriends where you could send a note that says, "Thanks for helping make our friendship happen!  Love you!"It's also great for our mothers, daughters, sisters, and aunts-- so help spread the friendship love and buy a couple gift books, too!

Post a Photo to Win! When your book arrives, don't forget to take a picture to post it on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, or LinkedIn to win an iPad!  Contest rules here.

Help Spread the Word: And last, but not least, if you can post this on Facebook, too then I'd be ever grateful:

Finally Shasta Nelson's book, "Friendships Don't Just Happen!" comes out today!  I just ordered my copy.  Can't wait to read it.  Great gift idea: http://tinyurl.com/ShastasFriendshipBook

To all the friendships we're making happen in our lives and others,

Thank you!!!!

Shasta

p.s.  Here's the Amazon link one more time: http://tinyurl.com/ShastasFriendshipBook.

Best Girls Night-In Idea: Host a Friendship Book Circle

A book club can be a fun way to get to know other women better, but I have something even better than that!

Host a "Making Friendships Happen!" Book Circle

Sure, discussing a novel can be fun, but what about getting together with a group of women and making a fun night where you grow your friendships while learning more about them? Way better!

I’m looking for 100 women to lead local Making Friendships Happen Book Circles in February 2013 to facilitate sharing among groups of women around my new book:

Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends.

Far more than just talking about friendship, these groups will be designed to help create more meaningful friendships among those attending and benefit all their other friendships!

Will you sign up?  We want you!  All women are welcome-- from any state or country (note that the book is only in English though!) and any age group.

• It's easy!  Schedule a date in late February, start inviting women to join you, open up your home (or pick a cafe!), and follow the provided discussion guide to create a fun and memorable evening.
• It's full of possibilities! Instead of just reading about friendship on your own, use this Circle to help you foster your current friendships and/or get to know new women who could potentially be friends!
• It's temporary! Instead of committing to monthly get-togethers, this is just a temporary commitment in February.  Then you're done.
• It's meaningful! Instead of talking about characters in a novel, talk about yourself and get to know the other attendees better.

How to Invite Members to your Circle

Maybe you're already part of a book club and can be the point person for your group?  Awesome!

But if not, and you're wondering who you'd invite, here's a list of possibilities:

1. Invite the women you want to know better. Just make a list of women you’ve met from various places and shoot them an email invitation: “I’m inviting a handful of women I admire and inviting them all over for a book circle about female friendship. Hope you can come!”
2. GirlFriendCircles.com. Post it on the GirlFriendCircles.com calendar. All posted events are sent to all local members every Wednesday. And be sure to send personal invitations to other members you’ve met or want to meet.
3. The Contagious Invitation. Invite 2-3 women you know and invite them to each invite 2-3 more women they know so you’re all meeting new friends!
4. Recruit at work. If appropriate, share the invitation at work: “Research shows that having friends at work does more for our happiness than getting a financial raise! Let’s get to know each other better!”
5. Consider existing groups. What organizations are you already involved in that you can host this as a way to deepen connections? Church. School. Mothers Group. Club. Gym.
6. Use Social Media. Make an event on Facebook and invite everyone nearby. Post a shout-out on Twitter and use the hashtag #Shastasbook to see if anyone else is looking. Reach out to contacts on LinkedIn!
7. Tell the Men. Don’t be shy about letting the guys in your life know about this event—most of them have girlfriends or wives who want more friends, or they may know of a female friend who just moved to the area and doesn’t know anyone. Ask them to help spread the word.
8. Post online everywhere. Post in any online forums you belong to—there are always people online who want to meet offline (i.e. mom’s boards, networking groups, women’s organizations, meetup.com, craigslist.com)
9. Bookstores and libraries. Ask your local bookstore and/or library if they help advertise book clubs.
10. Offer to your Clients/Customers/Readers/Community. Depends on your business, but this could be a fabulous way to get to know your clients and help build some community for them through something they already all have in common. It can be an extra perk you offer while increasing brand loyalty.
11. Invite the neighbors. Make up a flyer “It’s time we met our neighbors. I’m hosting a book circle for any women on the block (on in the apartment building) who’d like to meet each other!”

Who's the Book For?

This book is written to women ages 21-70 who value healthier and more meaningful friendships. From how-to meet new friends to how-to foster deeper friendships with the women we already know-- this is a guide for healthy female friendships.

The book is divided into three main parts:

1. “From Loneliness to Frientimacy” helps us evaluate our individual relational needs using Shasta’s 5 Circles of Connectedness so we can better see what types of friends we already have and which ones we might want to add. Another unique paradigm offered in this book is that of Frientimacy—Friendship Intimacy—that articulates the closeness we crave, the awkwardness that can come from it, and the 5 developmental stages of relationship that we must cultivate.
2. “Five Steps to Turn Friendly People We Meet into Friends Who Matter” covers the 5 Steps to Friendships, taking one chapter to cover each step: Be Open, Initiate Consistently, Add Positivity, Increase Vulnerability, and Practice Forgiveness. Each chapter is filled with personal stories, research, practical tips, reflection questions, and personal growth concepts. Chapter 8 includes the Frientimacy Triangle that illustrates how to increase our vulnerability in a way that is constructive, meaningful, and safe.
3. “Friendships Don’t Just Keep Happening: Be Intentional” covers the Five Friendship Threats—jealousy, judgment, non-reciprocation, neglect, and blame—and healthy suggested responses to each of them so we can ensure that our friendships continue to grow in maturity and meaning. The book ends with a clear plan of how to move toward the friendships that matter most to the reader.

The Sign-up Details

I can't wait to collaborate with all one hundred of you as we foster healthier friendships across this country!  Won't be it be exciting to know that anywhere between 600-1000 women could be learning how to show up with more confidence in their friend-making process?   I'll be offering exclusive calls for the leaders and we'll be providing you with everything you need along the way to ensure that you feel part of the momentum.  Hope you can join us!

We want 100 women to commit by December 31, 2012.  Sign-up here.

The Impact of Self-Esteem on Friendship

When it comes to self-esteem and friendship, there is no end to the correlations that are so frequently made.  People with more friends have higher self-esteem, and people with high self-esteem seem to have an easier time making friends-- the two results almost creating this self-sustaining cycle that can keep feeding itself.  If you're already in the cycle, that is. But what if you're not in that supportive cycle?  You may have a hard time making friends and struggle with a low self-esteem.  Then it's a catch-22 because while making friends will increase your self-esteem, it's harder to make them without having it first.  So do you try to make friends to feel better about yourself or try to increase your self-esteem before making friends?  A classic chicken-or-egg first kind of question.

My answer? Both.

Increasing My Self-Esteem

Self-esteem comes from having a strong belief in who we are and what we can do.  So certainly believing in oneself to make friends and then accomplishing that goal comes from, and results in, one feeling an increase in self-esteem.  But several steps before self-esteem comes such things as self- awareness, self-trust, and self-care.

If we didn't do the deeper work then our self-esteem rises and falls with every life change. Exhausting and not sustainable. We don't want to feel good about who we are when we make a friend, and then feel bad about who we are when we lose a friend.  Same with any life circumstance-- we don't want how we feel about ourselves to look like a roller coaster that is based on what job we have, our current weight, or our relationship status.

Nothing circumstantial has the power to do the deep and sustaining work of fostering what you're actually creating: love.  Self-love.

My friend Christine Arylo, author of Madly in Love with ME: The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend, is dubbed the Queen of Self-Love. A word we don't use all that much, and yet she makes the convincing case that it's the tree trunk out of which everything else must grow:

"Each of these aspects of self-love relates to and supports the others, just as the branches of a tree rely on each other to grow, be healthy, and keep the tree balanced and strong. When you practice self-care, you increase your self-compassion. When you build your self-awareness, you increase your self-esteem. When you improve your self-esteem, you more fully feel your self-worth. When you practice self-trust, you base decisions on self-respect. When you take actions that reflect a deep self-respect, you honor yourself. When you express yourself fully, you increase your self-pleasure. And when you exude self-compassion, you create self-acceptance. Each branch supports the other branches, and as one grows, so do the others."

Her first suggested step for building your self-esteem?  Increase your self-awareness.  Get to know yourself.  It's hard to love who you don't know.  :)  Past all the titles, images, and pretenses.  Deeper than what others say about you or who you wish you are-- explore and get to know you.  (You can see why self-compassion and self-forgiveness need to be intertwined in the process!)

Increasing My Friendships

While we need to be our own best friend before we can truly be in healthy friendships and feel confident in our friend-making process, it doesn't mean we sit in a cave until then.  We can't lock ourselves in isolation, because no one grows more loving in a loveless vacuum.  Our self-esteem, belief in ourselves and our abilities, doesn't grow without practice.  So while we're having honest conversations with ourselves, understanding who we are and aren't, and seeking to embrace how we're wired-- we're also observing how our thoughts, actions, and decisions are affecting our relationships.

One study came out this year that gives us a little guidance about how to engage in meaningful and healthy ways even when our self-esteem isn't quite yet where we want it to be.  The study tracked high self-esteem and low self-esteem individuals engaging in Facebook to see if perhaps that forum was a safer place for low self-esteem individuals to interact without fear of awkward social situations.

The study results showed that:

1. Low self-esteem individuals were more likely to post negative status updates than high self-esteem individuals.  (And get less of a response to them compared to when a high self-esteem individual posted an occasional negative update.)
2. And, that others who read the status updates of low self-esteem individuals ended up liking them less as they were perceived as sad, negative, angry, or pessimistic.

So while the low self-esteem updaters may, in fact, feel safer on Facebook; their honest revelations are backfiring if their goal is to be more likable and build friendships.  Other studies have shown that Facebook causes more stress for those with low self-esteem as they also see what everyone else is doing and can frequently feel worse about their own life.

From this, a word of encouragement to those who feel that their self-esteem journey is closer to the starting line than the finish line: practice engaging, but stay positive.

In other words, you may not yet have the self-esteem to be making friends, but you can start with being friendly.  Being friendly is a choice-- it's a choice to be affirming of others, warm, and hopeful.  As you give that gift to others, you'll find you also give it more to yourself.  And your cycle of self-esteem and relationships can start-- your friendliness and your growing self-love-- will both get healthier together.

The end result hopefully being a woman who genuinely loves herself and others well, products of a strong self-esteem.

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  Christine's book, Madly in Love with ME: The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend, walks readers through a very fun and engaging journey filled with exercises and tips to build a very healthy self-love tree! I highly recommend it.  Plus she's going on tour across the country in 2013!

The Power of Female Stories

There is the passing along of information.  And then there's the telling of stories. Both methods can both convey words, details, and content; but one has more power to bond us in our humanity, help us feel seen, and move us closer to hearing our own truth. Stories are powerful.

Stories of Female Connection

I was reminded of that today as I read through the essays that have been compiled in the Nothing But the Truth So Help Me God: 51 Women Reveal the Power of Positive Female Connection anthology. Fifty-one women opened up and let us in.

• I was moved by Laura Fenamore's essay as she described her journey with Overeaters Anonymous. I've never struggled with food in the same way or released 100 pounds like she did, but I know the feeling of being ashamed of your body.
• I felt my heart in my throat as I read Aspen Baker's story about her abortion.  I've never had to face that decision, but as she described how many abortion stories she has (different ways of telling the one story) I nodded knowingly about how many different ways I can tell my divorce story-- all true, just each with a different focus. And as she shared the judgment she faces in the telling, I again nodded in affirmation.
• When Amie Penwell described her life going from idyllic childhood with two parents to a separation that followed with her father's too-soon death and her mother taking her from one spiritual commune to another, my heart ached for her, wishing I had known her and befriended her when we were young.  I don't know what it feels like to go to six schools in two years.  But I know the feeling she described when she finally found another "wounded warrior" to call a friend.
• Mickey Nelson's essay opens with the reading she shared at her 28-year old sister's memorial.  How grateful I am that I haven't had to suffer the loss of a sibling, but I know grief.  I resonated with her as she talks honestly about the parts of sadness that time doesn't heal.

I could go on-and-on.  I know only a small handful of the women who contributed to the essays on these pages, and yet after their vulnerability-- I feel close to them.  I saw them.

And, I saw me. Not always in the details, but in the feelings that connect us as humans.

Sharing Our Own Stories

I was reminded how easy it is to put up walls between us assuming no one else knows our pain and our stories. And while our stories may take on very different forms; what was ever clear was that there is more that connects us than we might ever guess.  We all know what it feels like to be lonely, scared, confused, sad, and mad.

I'm struck though how much of our conversations with each other are based upon information:  where do you work? where do you live? are you married? do you have kids? how long have you lived here? did you see the Giants game last night? We ask such informational questions that can leave us with an answer, but not necessarily with greater connection.

Whereas stories (i.e. what drew you to your job? why did you move here? Why is this important to you?) help us connect.  Our empathy--the ability to identify with and understand the feelings of others-- has far greater chances of being tapped when someone shares their experience rather than simply relaying information.

Today, I encourage all of us to ask questions that invite stories.

And choose in some moments to share more than just the information.

If we want people to like us and feel close to us-- we have a far greater chance of that when we're willing to see and be seen. Those moments where we don't just tell each other the canned answers, but risk adding a feeling into the sentence, a moment of vulnerability into the life of another human. Let's tell stories!  Like the women of old who sat around the campfires and passed along their traditions.  Let's show up around metaphoric campfires and really talk, connect, and share.

Congratulations to Christine Bronstein who dreamed and birthed this anthology into existence. In a day and age where much focus is given to the drama of jealousy, competition, and cattiness that can occur between women-- we'd all be blessed for reading some positive stories.  For by beholding, we become changed.  Buy the book here on Amazon TODAY.

Self-Care isn't the Same as Selfishness

We Don't Want to be Selfish!

I've been told that in the Mandarin Chinese language there are two different meanings for the word selfish.  One definition captures the greedy-hoarding-take-care-only-of-ourselves mentality that we're all so afraid to ever be called. The other, though, speaks more of self-care, a nurturing and protecting of one self that recognizes we have to put our own oxygen mask on before we assist another.

There is a vast difference between the two.  And I fear that sometimes we avoid the latter in an attempt to avoid the former.

But we're smarter than that.  It's not a slippery slope where if you start caring for yourself it then leads to the selfishness we fear.  On the contrary!  I have found that the women who engage in the greatest amount of self-care are the ones who are least likely to grab, judge, condemn, compete, hoard, and devalue.

Healthy women show up in healthy friendships.

We Want to be Balanced!

And that's why I'm a cheering fan for my friend Jennifer Tuma-Young's book that is being released today: Balance Your Life, Balance the Scale: Ditch Dieting, Amp Up Your Energy, Feel Amazing, and Release the Weight. (It already has so many accolades, including being chosen by the Barnes & Noble Health & Diet expert as a "must-read" book!)

While Jennifer connects her 100+ lb weight loss story to her journey of finding joy and energy in her life, this is not so much a diet book as much as it is a book about increasing your own positivity, awareness, and emotional health. All things that certainly can impact our bodies and health, but factors that also influence our relationships.

If we're unhappy, burdened, exhausted, or stressed out-- it becomes nearly impossible to engage in meaningful ways in our relationships. (And for those of us who know how important it is to consistently be inviting new people into our lives-- we also know that showing up for drinks with near strangers takes an extra dose of invested energy!)  The truth is that we have to do the personal work of being the kind of people who are healthy-- emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

When I speak on relationships I almost always have a woman raise her hand during the Q&A (or come up to me afterward) and try to convince me she just doesn't have time to nurture healthy friendships.  I used to try to give suggestions for how to connect with friends even when we're busy, but I've since learned that they have an excuse for every suggestion.  Which leaves me questioning them why they are asking me for help if they are already convinced that there is no solution?  They almost always are as certain that friends are a priority to them as they are certain that they are justified that there is no time in their lives.

My answer to them now? "Your life is out of balance."

I'm not a big fan of the word balance-- it conjures up a picture of someone on a tight-rope trying not to fall or someone with a scale trying to precisely measure equality.  No, it's not the metaphor I want for your life where you feel like if one unplanned event enters your day that it will throw the whole thing off.

When I use the word balance-- I mean is your life balanced, or in alignment, with the life you want?  Are you living in integrity with what you say is important to you?  If that woman at every event is convinced she wants friends but has no time for them-- then her life is out of alignment, off-balance.

The process that Jennifer puts forth in her book (filled with tons of coaching activities, journaling questions, and proactive steps) to help women evaluate their lives leads to a definition of balance that I can get behind.  :)

B-- Breathe

A-- Accept

L-- Laugh

A-- Appreciate

N-- Notice Nature

C-- Connect

E-- Experience

A woman who is rich in those words will be a woman rich with friends and meaningful relationships! (An entire chapter is devoted to each of those words alongside the technique that helps you customize a long-term approach that helps you find a way of being that feels congruous and whole to you.)

But whether it's through a tool like a new book, or through you just going back to what has worked for you in the past (more nature walks? scheduling in what matters to your life? getting enough sleep?), if you find yourself saying you don't have time for friends, I challenge you to examine your life and see if it matches up to what you say matters to you?

And Balance Comes Through Self-Care...

Living a life that is in balance with our values and priorities requires you taking the time to actually know what your values and priorities are!  And that awareness comes from self-care.  (I'm not just talking about manicures as self-care!  :) I'm talking about real mental clearing, life transformation, coaching/counseling, improved health.)

Even in the English dictionary I find that there is only one concept in the definition of selfish that should cause us pause.  And that is words like "only" and "regardless of others."

self·ish [sel-fish] adjective: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

But just because there can be an abuse of something doesn't mean we want to avoid seeking for the real thing.

Being devoted to or caring for ourselves is something I think we all need to pay more attention to, not just for our sakes, but ironically for those around us.

Which really, when you think about it,  doesn't sound all that selfish at all!  :)

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I cheer today for Jennifer who launches her book into the world.  Order it here on Amazon: Balance Your Life, Balance the Scale: Ditch Dieting, Amp Up Your Energy, Feel Amazing, and Release the Weight

And I cheer for all of us who make conscious decisions today to care for ourselves, in whatever ways we choose!  Hugs!

Shaping Serendipity as a Way to Make New Friends

If serendipity is the aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident, then trying to increase that encounter with luck would be what we call "shaping serendipity." John Hagel, one of the authors of The Power of Pull, spoke last fall at the monthly SF Coaches association meetings I attend.  He spoke of shaping serendipity as a decision we can make to pull the people, ideas, and objects into our lives that we need.

In other words, if you want to start a career in fashion then there are certain cities you could live in where the "serendipity" of meeting the right people, getting invitations to the right events, and learning the ins-and-outs of the industry might increase more than the plains of Kansas. If you wanted to marry another Jew, then you're chances of "serendipity" increase in synagogues, Jewish dating sites, and through relatives than they do by hanging out at the bar down the street.  If you want to get pregnant then there are certain times every month where your "serendipity" improve. If you want to win the lottery, you have to buy a ticket. You get the idea.

Shaping Serendipity as a Way to Make New Friends

There are three levels of pull that Hagel breaks down, but I'm basically going to give my own definitions to tailor it to our subject of friendship.

1)  Access: Let's start with the obvious: You have a higher likelihood of meeting new people at an event than you do on your couch with a remote control in your hand. That's called accessing serendipity!  By showing up at something your chances have just gone up that you could make a new friend.

Where we spend our time affects our choices. How scheduled or open we are affects our availability. How much we're around people impacts our options.

2) Attract: The next level up is recognizing that some events are more likely than others to be filled with the kind of women you want to meet and could be conducive to your purposes than others.

For example, I've found that small groups are easier for me than large networking events.  Something about a small group gives permission to everyone to introduce themselves, whereas at a large mixer one person has to be very willing to walk around introducing themselves.

I've also found that it's easier to show up to something where interaction is expected such as at an entrepreneurs network, church community, or mothers/toddlers play group than it is to attend something where we're all there for the concert, lecture, or workout class.

I've also found that my chances for connection seem to go up if I'm either by myself or with someone else who is also committed to meeting people.  Otherwise it's too easy to stand there with my friend and talk all night to her.

I've also found that events or networks that cater to women increase my odds of meeting other women than events that are co-ed since we're not there to flirt or show off our husbands.

What you want to do with your female friends can also give you information about where you have the best chances of meeting them.  If you are hoping to find someone to hike with-- a hikers group ups your odds exponentially.

Joining a female friendship matching community like GirlFriendCircles.com is obviously one of the most strategic moves you can make since you know that everyone you meet is open to new friends and wants to connect. It's hard to get better odds than that!  (But then it goes back to Step 1 where you have to show up for it to work!!!)

3) Achieve: This is the step where we maximize the serendipity, pulling out the full potential of the experience.  This is where we smile and make eye contact with others, lean in toward the person we're talking to to hear everything they're saying, ask questions that communicate our interest, assure them how happy we are to have met them, exchange our contact information, and follow-up.

That is no small list.  But without this third step then all we're doing is networking up the wazoo, making small talk, and exhausting ourselves.

It's how we engage and take advantage of the opportunities that will determine our ultimate success.  We could be in the ideal group of women, all engaging in meaningful conversation, but if we never followed up to repeat the experience then we haven't achieved our serendipity.

One of the most powerful ways to do maximize serendipity is to care less about impressing those we meet and more about loving those we meet.  Sometimes our insecurities get the best of us and we erroneously think we need others to be wowed by us.  On the contrary, most people aren't drawn to people they are intimidated by as much as they are drawn to people who seem to care about them.  Our odds of building friendship escalate when we show up caring more about how they feel than how we look. 

Vulnerability elicits trust. One of the things John Hagel said when he spoke was "we can't invite serendipitous moments if we don't expose our needs, problems, and struggles." It's so true. It's when we risk showing our need that solutions are most offered.

A secret of neuroscience is found in what we call mirror neurons which ensures that what we give is the same as what we receive.  It's why we yawn when we see someone else yawning. It means when we smile, we're more likely to get a smile back.  When we're vulnerable, we're more likely to encourage their sharing.  When we tell them we like them, they're going to like us more. When we seem excited to get together again, they'll also feel more excited.

May making friends not just feel like pure dumb luck, but rather may we end up feeling lucky and knowing we helped produce the outcome.

Required Reading for Women Looking For New Friends!

Rachel Bertsche called me nearly two years ago wanting to get my take on how to meet new friends.  She had recently moved to Chicago for marriage and soon realized that while she had met quite a few people at work and through her husband, she hadn't yet been able to develop local friendships that felt consequential.  Especially compared to the BFF's she knew from childhood and college. (No matter our age, the dilemma sounds familiar, huh?)

She told me she was blogging about her journey along the way, and working on a book about her personal project to find a new BFF by committing to one-year of friend-dating with a new potential friend every week.

That book is now published.

I just finished reading it.

And I wish I could make it required reading for my entire community of women who value new friends. Seriously.  Reading this book will revolutionize your expectations, inspire you with ideas, and renew your commitment to the initiative you've undertaken!

MWF SEEKING BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend

One new friend date every week for a year: Fifty-two dates!  And that's not just showing up at a restaurant fifty-two times to hold conversation with near-strangers.  That would be impressive enough, but she also had to figure out how to meet those people, acquire their contact information, initiate the invitation to go out, coordinate schedules, meet somewhere, and then also follow-up with all of them!

Add to that the fact that if she wanted to actually develop some of them into friends then she'd have to schedule them in many more times on top of still meeting new ones every week!  Crazy!

Her book, while lough-out-loud hilarious, is also incredibly informative and inspiring.  Her voice is that of a late-twenty-something, but her journey and life lessons will be valuable to you at any age.

You'll resonate with her fears and self-doubts, her wish that she didn't have to put this much energy into it, her loneliness for her long-distance BFF's, her disappointment (and acceptance) that she seems to always have to be the one to initiate, her surprise at how flattered and willing other women are to meet with her, and her joy at how much her world expands along the way.

She describes all her dates--some you'll groan at the awkwardness of the encounters, others you'll wish you had met yourself.  You'll be amazed at how courageous some of her actions were when she asked for set-ups from friends, picked up on her waitress at a restaurant, and joined several book clubs and classes to meet more options; but you'll also see that courage doesn't mean without fear or personal discomfort as she vulnerably shares those, too.

Included at the end of her book are all her statistics of how many potentials she ended up meeting, how many turned into second dates, and how many she now claims as friends. And importantly, along the way you'll get a better sense of why some worked and didn't from someone who has done it enough to teach the rest of us now.

I dog-eared many pages, underlining all along the way. Here are but a few:

"Most people lump bestfriendship in with love, one of those you-know-it-when-you-feel-it intangibles.  But I can't continue blindly on this quest looking for something I can't define.  I'll wade though the year like Goldilocks--this one was too grumpy, that one was too old."

"In all these cases we vowed to get drinks "one day" and never did. So I remind them. "We talked about getting drinks together, which I'm finally making good on." That's not desperate, that's follow-through."

"According to psychologists Debra Oswald and Eddie Clark's research, there are four necessary behaviors to make a friendship stick. Self-disclosure, supportiveness, interaction, and positivity."

"The next day, I'm on a post-date high. I'm so pleased with how my evening went that I'm not even fazed when Hilary texts me to bail on yoga. Something about dinner plans she couldn't change. I should be disappointed--our first follow-up and she's already canceling--but I'm too encouraged by the fact that my Judgy McJudgersonness was off base.  For the past seven weeks I've been sizing up prospects before we'd even met: She lives in a fancy neighborhood, must mean she's trendy and too high-maintenance; she posts smiley faces on Facebook, must be a saccharine dud. The fact that Hilary turned out to have big-time potential makes me think that my having so many preconceived notions of who my BFF would be is exactly why she doesn't exist yet."

"I thought overtures of friendship would be received with suspicion rather than appreciation, so I hung back for fear of being the weirdo. Now I think I was wrong. It's not that people are less civilized now, it's just that we think they are, and so we act accordingly. We don't reach out unsolicited for fear of being rejected. We don't talk to new people because we assume they don't want to be bothered. But as I continue to pursue friendships, I'm constantly surprised at how receptive people are."

"After months of being the initiator, invitations now come my way, too.  I'd been waiting for the tides to turn, for my friendships to become universally reciprocal, and in the past few months the shift has now become obvious."

"'It takes a lot of work,' I say. 'You've got to say yes to all the invitations that come your way.  The more you say yes, the more invites you'll get. You have to follow-up with all those meetings where you say 'We should totally get together!' instead of just saying it to sound nice. And signing up for things helps. Oh, and asking for setups. You know, basically all the things you do when you're dating.'"

You can buy the book here.  Subscribe for her blog here.  Go to one of her book signings here.

It's worth it. I promise.  If she can do all the asking and dating, the least we can do is learn from her so we don't have to do it 52 times ourselves!

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SAN FRANCISCO EVENT INVITATION: And if you're anywhere near San Francisco-- I'm co-hosting an event with her in two weeks (during the Super Bowl-- since my 49-ers aren't in it anymore!) at Book, Inc on Van Ness.  She'll read from her book and sign copies, and Ill host some fun speed-friending to ensure it's also an afternoon where you meet some other awesome women!  Hope you can all come!  Sunday, February 5, at 4 pm at the Opera Plaza Books, Inc at 601 Van Ness.

p.s.  Just in case my opinion doesn't rank high enough for you when it comes to purchasing new books-- I thought I should let you know her book has been featured in the likes of People magazine & O Magazine, recommended by Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) and Jeffrey Zaslow (author of The Girls From Ames), and it's been selected as one of the lucky books to be available at Target.  Like I said, it's good.  :)

p.s.s.  She tries GirlFriendCircles.com-- I love her description of it! LOL!  I may have to change the table tent concept now!  :)  She also tries and loves speed-friending.  Weird reading about myself as a character-- but I'm honored!  A hearty welcome to all of you who have joined our friend-making community since reading about us in her book!

Why Doesn't Friendship Sell?

I just returned home from a publicity trip in New York City last week where I zig-zagged across Manhattan pitching friendship stories to any magazine editor who would listen to me. Sex Still Sells.  Even to Women.

Regardless of the fact that our circle of friends continues to rank as a bigger factor to our happiness and health than if we're married, or have kids-- you'd never know it by the headlines we seem drawn toward at the magazine rack.  Put romance or parenting on the cover of a magazine and we seem compelled to buy it. We must know more! Mention our weight and you'd think there's a secret out there we haven't yet heard.

Compare how many sex headlines there are every month (I mean, seriously, how many more techniques or positions do we possibly need?) versus the number of titles inviting you into deeper friendships. You laugh.  But, why? Why are we not drawn to headlines that would promote our sense of belonging?

Look at any women's news blog and there will be always be a tab for sex & love, usually one for family, and rarely one for friendships.

Friendship just isn't seen as urgent. Or as important.

In pitching my book proposal to publishing houses this fall, most of the rejections came in the form of "We already did a book on friendship a couple of years ago."  As though, one every couple of years is all that is needed. Compare that to the seemingly hundreds of titles that come out every year to help you find and foster your perfect love. Availability is one thing, the other is that the titles that do make it into print don't seem to impress anyone with the sales numbers. (A depressing fact to sit with as I start writing my book!)

And what about diet books? I mean, we could fill half a bookstore with books on how to lose weight! Books that arguably are just different ways of saying the same thing: Eat healthy and exercise. How many more forests do we have to tear down before we realize that the weight of our country isn't decreasing with the purchasing of these titles?

Yet never a magazine goes to print without the word fat somewhere on the cover. That very word promises money.

Why Doesn't Friendship Sell?

On the one hand, I totally get it.  My husband impacts my day-to-day life way more than any of my girlfriends. He is an incredibly important relationship for me to continue to invest in.

On the other hand, there's enough research out there that actually shows what sociologists have termed the "Marriage Benefit Imbalance."  The concept that "We have to start with the cold, ugly fact that marriage does not benefit women as much as it benefits men," was made famous by Liz Gilbert in her book Committed.  Yes, compared to single female counterparts, married women are more likely to suffer from depression, die younger, accumulate less wealth, earn reduced pay, experience more health problems and thrive less in their careers than those who are unmarried.

For the sake of argument, let's just assume that we decide those costs are still worth it to us to feel chosen, to go through life with someone, to be married.  But wouldn't we then want to do everything we could to bring balance to that? Wouldn't we look around and say, "Okay, what is known to decrease stress, lower depression, increase joy, improve longevity, reduce disease and recovery time, and invite the most amount of joy and support into my life?"

Who doesn't want more of those things? And the research unequivocally continues to come out showcasing friendship as one of, if not the most significant factor to those things. There is no argument on this.  It's not like coffee where some research says it's good for you and others say it's not. Across the board-- your sense of community, belonging, support, and participation in friendships is making a difference.

So someone tell me why this subject doesn't sell?  I won't even ask that it sell more than romance. But why can't it be second to romance?

Why don't we pick up magazines that can teach us how to hold healthy expectations of friendships? That will explain the stages of friendship to us? Inspire us with the research that showcases the centrality of our support circle to our lives? That would encourage us, like they do with exercise, that the results take time and persistence, but are worth it in the long run?

What is your sense on this? Why don't friendship books sell the way romance, parenting, and health books sell?

• Is it because we intuitively think we know everything there is to know about friendship, not feeling the need for knowledge like we do in the other areas of our lives?
• Or is it that it doesn't matter what we know, perhaps we feel that friendship is something we can't control or change? As though friendship either happens to us or it doesn't, but either way, we don't need to be intentional?
• Or is it that we simply have all the friendships we need and want?  Perhaps the research coming out that shows our depression increasing and our support circles shrinking really isn't capturing the fact that we're all surrounded by all the community we want? Perhaps you don't crave more than what you are experiencing?
• Or is it that we're so busy feeling bad about ourselves in all those other areas (romance, weight, parenting) that we simply don't have time to add guilt to one more life area? (If this were true it would infer that we don't see how friendships might actually improve all those other areas, making us feel more supported and healthy.)
• Or does friendship not sell because of the stigma we have around falsely linking "I need more friends" with "No one likes me, I'm  loser." Do we think by admitting that we need friends that we're somehow worse than we thought? Are we not admitting the truth to ourselves that we actually can be amazing, and still be lonely?
• Or is it because fear sells and we haven't yet adequately convinced everyone of the real consequences of not developing meaningful friendships?  Maybe it's like sleep deprivation... something we're so used to doing without that it doesn't really feel all that important?

I'd be so curious to know from a few of you what your read on this is? Why are these books not selling? What are the magazine editors not feeling the urgency to provide teaching and inspiration on this subject? Why is this not a major sense of need in your life or the women around you? Or, conversely, because my readers are those who have decided it's important in their lives (how lucky I am to have found you!) -- what was it that finally made the difference for you?

Give me your wisdom.  Or at least your best guess!  :)

3 Baby-Steps Toward Girl Effect's Dream of Changing the World

I still remember my jaw dropping open a couple of years ago after hearing the New York Times human rights columnist, Nicholas Kristof make a historical comparison, when he was promoting his book "Half the Sky: Turning Oppression Into Opportunity For Women Worldwide" that he co-authored with his wife Sheryl WuDunn.  His haunting words:

"At the peak of the transatlantic slave trade, 80,000 slaves were transported from Africa to the new world. Now, more than 10 times as many women and girls are being forced into brothels or other forms of slavery around the world."

It's so easy to look back in judgment, wondering how our ancestors didn't do more to fight against oppression in various forms.  Yet here we are... still facing similar choices and battles.

Add to that slavery statistic all the other massive issues that are interconnected: girl’s education, AIDS in the developing world, child marriage, child prostitution, domestic violence, population growth, and global poverty, and the complexity is both mind numbing and heart wrenching.

I rarely know what to do that could possibly make a difference.  So when given the opportunity to participate today in  Girl Effect Blogging Campaign day, I not only jump on it, but also extend the invitation to you to participate with your own words. This week hundreds of bloggers will collaborate in bringing awareness to the Girl Effect, the “unique potential of 600 million adolescent girls to end poverty for themselves and the world.”

I'm also walking around this week in a heightened state of awareness after watching Miss Representation as this award-winning documentary highlights the issues girls and women face right here in the U.S. It's a sobering reality that even in our developed and educated country (where women now make up the majority of the workforce and are earning more college degrees than men), we are still communicating in our media and culture that

"a woman’s primary value lay in her youth, beauty and sexuality—and not in her capacity as a leader, making it difficult for women to obtain leadership positions and for girls to reach their full potential."

While the credits rolled, my heart was heavy with the challenge we face in our own country. Add to it the millions of women behind us.  We simply have to be willing to do more for each other, whether you like the word feminism or not.

Three Possible Baby Steps

Some of us may be clearly called to jobs and roles where our daily actions attempt to right the injustices in classrooms, counseling chairs, boardroom tables, and world-wide non- profits. Some of us may be able to help bring awareness to these causes, like Tara Sophia Mohr who started this blogging campaign, or Jennifer Siebel Newsom who wrote and directed the film mentioned above.

And then there will be masses of us who feel the ache but don't see how our actions can make a difference.

But they do.

We can't risk doing nothing just because we can't do everything.

Here are three "small" actions we can take to help turn the tide for our sisters around the world.

1.  GROW: Keep Getting Healthier

It's hard to give energy to causes, dream with others, or live with generosity when there is an energy leak in your own life. If you're still living as though your value is determined by what others think, what size of clothes you wear, or whether you're pretty enough, then there is wound in your own life that still needs healing so you can show up with joy, power, and strength. If you believe there isn't "enough" in your life, you're less likely to want to give to others. If you hold victim mentality by refusing forgiveness to someone then you risk not feeling like you have power to give.

We all have our insecurities.  But that doesn't mean we have to live from them. Do what you need to do to not ignore them or devalue others in your attempt to make yourself forget about them. Meditate, read, talk to a coach/therapist, attend mind-expanding and centering workshops, sit in sacred space, get enough sleep, own your worth apart from what you do or look like, hike a mountain, sing more, read poetry, find your five minutes of daily silence, pray....

In Miss Representation, Katie Couric says that she thinks if women spent 10% less time worrying about our weight and appearance, and instead applied that energy to others, she's pretty sure we could solve all the worlds problems in a matter of months. That's sobering. Where can you cut back 10%?

Do anything that increases your compassion toward yourself and others. Conversely, stop doing anything that decreases your compassion toward yourself and others.

2. GIVE: Donate a financial gift today to start a new ripple....

Sometimes giving a financial gift can be your way of saying to yourself that you trust that there is "enough" in this world for all of us. Hoarding and greed come from fear. Lean into the belief that the vision of what we can do together is greater than our individual fear.

Your gift of $15 can buy schoolbooks for a girl in Panama. A gift of $60 will teach a grown woman in Afghanistan to read and write. Those dollar amounts may not sound life altering, but consider this chain of events when a girl or woman receives education:

When a girl in the developing world receives seven or more years of education, she marries four years later and has 2.2 fewer children. The later women marry they are less likely to be beaten and threatened by their husbands, die in childbirth, or get AIDS. Additionally, every year of education boosts her eventual wages by 10-25 percent. When women and girls earn income, they reinvest 90 percent of it into their families and communities. (all sources on the Girl Effect Fact Sheet)

A cycle of poverty gets broken, in part, with the earning of education.

Each quarter GirlFriendCircles.com compiles all of your gifts of $3-$5 that are given in exchange when you have to cancel your attendance at the last-minute from a ConnectingCircle you committed to attend. This quarter in our Show Up or Save the World campaign, I have matched your $174, so that we gave a combined gift of $348 to Girl Effect.  It doesn't sound life altering.... but it will be to someone.  Add $10 more!

3.  CHEER: Help Spread the Word(s)

On a literal level, spread the word about these resources that help bring awareness and conviction. Tweet or Facebook share this blog today (see icons at the bottom). Decide to write your own posting. Promote these causes through your social media outlets. Tell your friends that you feel convicted.  Host a screening of  Miss Representation in your house on October 20. Put energy out there that shows what way you are leaning.

And on a deeper level, sharing the word might mean encouraging and promoting other women and girls.

• In every day life that might mean encouraging a friend in her choices (career, love, finances, ambition, children) even if they aren't yours.
• In politics and business it might mean being open to seeing women where they haven't been and letting them do it in their own armor. Don't make someone choose between being powerful or likeable-- choose to not be intimidated and simply cheer for her.
• In media it may mean voting for movies, products, and TV shows that reflect strong portrayals of women with our attendance (or lack thereof), purchases and watching habits.
• As a mother it might mean intentionally raising your daughter to not have your body self-esteem issues, or making sure you don't put out judgment on another mom for making a different choice in how she is raising her kids.
• As a citizen of the world it might mean publicly cheering for other women, even when we feel jealous.  Cheer for them when they buy your dream house before you do, quit their job when you wish you could, get the promotion you would die to have, have the baby you cannot, find the love you haven't yet found, accomplish the feat you wish you had the courage to take on.  You can trust that them getting something doesn't diminish your value or worth one iota.

The truth is that sometimes our own lives feel stressful enough that we simply don't always feel that our hearts can take on any more feeling.  Compounding that numbness, we can easily feel overwhelmed by the issues posed by Nicholas Kristof, Girl Effect and Jennifer Siebold Newsom. But I beg you to just take a baby step... just lean into the movement.

For as Alice Walker, the author of The Color Purple, is quoted in Miss Representation as writing:

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any."

You do have power to contribute to the movement. Pretend that life is a rubber band being pulled two directions... and that the direction it eventually snaps will be determined by which side had a little more pull.

Grow in your joy, Give your $10, and Cheer for another woman toward the direction of a better world.

p.s.  The Girl Effect Blogging Campaign invites you to post your own blog this week! If you do-- leave a comment here with a link so we can all come and read it!

6 Books to Help Your Friendships

I often quote the research from BYU that revealed just how important friendships are to our health.  The sentiment of the research didn't surprise me at all, but what they compared it to sure did! After compiling extensive relational studies, researchers revealed that if you feel disconnected-- it is worse for your health than smoking 15 cigarettes a day, twice as harmful as being obese, and as damaging as being an alcoholic. What shocks me most is how little training and teaching we get, outside of our own experience, in this ever-important life area of relationships.  Compare how much attention your teachers and leaders have given to the three things listed as less significant than your relationships: obesity, drinking and smoking.  Seriously! We have laws against smoking and drinking, yet it's never been illegal to be isolated! We have  billboards and commercials showing the effect of smoke on our lungs and the aftermath of driving while buzzed, but I've never seen one showing the effects of loneliness.  Even if your nutrition and physical education classes in school left a lot to be desired, at least they had them.  I never took a class on healthy relationships.

In an area that is touted to be most significant to our health, happiness, and longevity-- we just hope healthy relationships comes naturally. Unfortunately, with 85% of us admitting to having toxic friends, I'm not blown away by how well we've taught ourselves.

6 Books that Teach Healthy Friendships

Here are six books I think could help us start being more intentional in our healthy friendship education:

1. Consequential Strangers, by Melinda Blau and Karen Fingerman, Ph.D.  As the tagline suggests, "The Power of People who Don't Seem to Matter But Really Do," you may not feel inspired to buy this book because you may not realize just how significant your connections through out the day can be in your life.  However, this book is hugely revealing and has much to teach us about our wider networks. For those of you familiar with my 5 Circles of Connectedness, this book is all about just how important the left-side of our continuum can be.
2. A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.  The middle third of this book is one of the most impressive visions of healthy relationships on the market, not just friendships. While her field is spiritual growth, her case is that all our personal growth happens in our relationships.  She showcases the importance of every interaction we have, from what seems inconsequential to us all the way to the people with whom we have lifetime assignments. Her call to us to give love rather than project fear is inspiring.  To show up with others on a soul level rather than ego level would change the world.
3. The Power of Female Friendship: How Your Circle of Friends Shapes Your Life, by Paul Dobransky, M.D. This book goes way past warm-and-fuzzy to give you really fabulous scientific charts, graphs, and formulas. His definition of friendship ("Friendship is consistent, mutual, shared positive emotion") is still one I use in my teaching-- helping women know the 4 things that must be present in a healthy friendship. He breaks up friendship in some of the most thought-provoking ways teaching psychology, boundaries, emotional health, and brain function.
4. Best Friends Forever, by Irene Levine Ph.D. This tagline will sell the book: "Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend."  She's quick to remind you that it's an unhealthy myth to believe that your friendships should last forever, with most of us staying in touch with only 1 out 12 of our friends.  She's also quick to sympathize with why it can, ironically, sometimes be harder and more painful to end friendships than it is to end our romantic loves.  Her guide will help you thoughtfully process which friendships to let go, how to do it, and how to heal.
5. The Friendship Fix, by Andrea Bonior, Ph.D.    This recent book is a fast and fun read as it aims to help women in their "choosing, loosing, and keeping up" with their friends.  I'd recommend this book especially to those in their 20's and 30's still trying to figure out how to do friendship as adults beyond college. Her style is witty and helpful in identifying what kind of friend you are, how to transition friendships through the marriages and pregnancies, and how to think through friendships with exes, family members, and work colleagues.
6. Find Your Strongest Life, by Marcus Buckingham. This book isn't about friendship per say, but is about how women can live successfully and happily by leaning into your strongest role (9 options, we all have 1-2 primarily).  I put this book on the list for those of you who already have a fulfilling circle of friends as I think this is a fun way to get to know each other better.  The five-minute online test is free, but unpacking the results and learning about how you each give differently in the friendship is priceless. This is a great book to go through with a group of girlfriends as you all commit to cheering for each other as you seek to live your strongest life.

I'm holding spot #7 for a book that is to be released in January (you can pre-order) titled "MWF Seeking BFF" where the author, Rachel Bertsche writes about her year of weekly friend-dating as she went from friendless in Chicago to establishing a local circle of friends.  This will be an inspiring read for most of you who know what it's like to need to make new friends but feel the fear and insecurity of actually starting friendships from scratch.

And then spot # 8?  Well maybe I should write one?  :)

So there you have it.  Gold stars for those of you who actually decide to read one of these!  I really want to remind you that to simply sit back and hope for more friends isn't going to do it. Much like the fact that you have to get off the couch to get healthy, we're truly going to have to learn to keep making and fostering healthy friendships throughout our lives.

To reading that can change your life....