It's so common to look at the lives of friends (or celebrities) and wish we had their lives. Facebook exacerbates this yearning as we constantly see the highlights of each others lives at times when our own lives are most boring (since most of us are only browsing news feed when we have a dull moment). Feeling Jealous of Our Friends
I know I've felt the pang of jealousy. Recently, in fact. Someone I admire posted "So excited! My retreat just sold out in 20 minutes!" and the critic in my head whined, "Why didn't your retreat sell out? Do people not like you?" Insanity, really. My head can quickly jump in and cheer me on: "Shasta, be gentle on yourself. It's your first retreat!" but my heart will feel the sting of failure and jealousy will have poked her head into my day.
So when one of my dear girlfriends Krista posted on our group page (a Facebook group page that 5 of us use to stay in touch with each other in between our quarterly phone calls and annual get-togethers) her own twinges of jealousy-- I understood immediately.
"The other day, when I was telling {husband} about your new book, I was saying, "sometimes I feel a tinge of envy looking at Shasta's exciting, glamorous life..."
We can first talk about the fact that 98% of my life is hardly exciting and glamorous... but the bigger issue at hand is how easy it is for us to compare ourselves to each other.
And these are with girlfriends who go far beyond cherry Facebook posts with each other. We have witnessed each others tears, we send texts saying, "Ugh! I am so mad right now at x," and when we give updates to each other we share highs and lows so we are always hearing each others pain, tension, and stress, too. So we can't just blame Facebook. This feeling reveals that even with friends who we share deeply and intimately with-- we're still tempted to want their high points even when we know their whole life isn't that way.
I can point to every single one of my friends and pick something from their life that I wish were mine: be it their home, their financial stability, their joys of motherhood, their beauty, or their ability to make people laugh.
Choosing Our Own Lives
When Krista bravely posted her honest twinges of envy for each of us, she also posted a recent Facebook post from Liz Gilbert (so worth reading) where Liz shared all the dreams of others that she is saying no to:
"I was thinking today about all the other paths that I did not take in life, no matter how shiny and appealing they may have looked. I've had the possibility of living so many different kinds of life that could have been a dream for somebody else. I never choose those lives. I've never lived the dreams that other people wanted for themselves — nor have I lived the dreams that other people may have wanted for me. I never had children...because that's somebody else's dream. I never took the opportunities that were offered to me after the success of EAT PRAY LOVE to have a TV show of my own...because that's somebody else's dream.... I turn down 99% of the invitations I get to attend to fancy parties and stellar gatherings...because that's somebody else's dream...."
And she goes on-and-on with all the lives she could have had....
With this post, she shared a picture of her with "greasy hair and tired eyes" researching her most recent book, saying this is me living my dream: "going down the rabbit hole of research."
While there are plenty of us who might look at her and wish we could write best-selling novels... I'm left asking, would spending years researching a book actually be my dream? It's too easy to want the outcomes of each other's choices: wealth, flexible schedules, reputation, or a big family; but not necessarily enjoy the journey that leads there or what we'd give up to choose that.
By her choosing to live this dream of having the time to write and get lost in "rabbit holes" she is living her dream which means saying no to many other valid, wonderful, and meaningful dreams that she could have chosen.
Where Our Jealousy and Our Peace Can Intertwine
Had Krista just admitted to occasionally feeling jealous that would have been impressive enough... for most of us don't stop to acknowledge our feelings to ourselves, let alone share them vulnerably with our friends; but she look how she continued:
"The other day, when I was telling {husband} about your new book, I was saying, "sometimes I feel a tinge of envy looking at Shasta's exciting, glamorous life...
...it would be total hell for me" because that is her dream and not mine. Getting up doing Improv is not my dream. Giving a graduation lecture is not my dream. Singing in front of people is not my dream. Those dreams belong to you girls and you do them with grace and authenticity.
With my career, I sometimes look at other doctors and think I should be publishing more or trying to advertise more. The truth is I love taking good care of my patients. As long as I know I'm doing a good job and they know it, I could care less if I'm voted "top doc in Seattle." That is somebody else's dream. I love having a husband to come home to and plan grocery lists and dinners and organize our lives together and share hikes and road trips. Vegas weekends and fancy dinners are somebody else's dream. I'm not a stay at home mom - that also is somebody else's dream. I love that you all have supported me in finding and living MY dream. xoxo
What I Love About that Exchange
So much to love about that posting, but notice these things:
- She was honest... she brought us all together, more willing to admit where we feel jealousy as we look at each other.
- She was self-reflective... she may like the idea of what she calls a "glamorous" life but she then uses the words total hell!--Ha!-- to describe that she knows the difference between the idea of something and the actuality of it for who she is. She then goes on to name the things she loves about her life... you can almost feel her peace returning as she reminds herself that she is, in fact, living the life she chose.
- She affirmed... Improv comedy, singing, graduation lectures-- those are amazing accomplishments of her friends and she's acknowledging how cool they are. It's tempting to downplay or criticize something that isn't our dream, but she's not saying there bad dreams... she's wowed by them and says "you do them with grace and authenticity."
- She accepted... I absolutely love that she gave voice to the expectations and standards of what she thought she was supposed to want (i.e. being top doc in Seattle) and realized that she really didn't need that (nor was willing to do the things it would take since it either would take away from things she values or wasn't in alignment with who she is) to be happy. It was "someone else's dream."
- She inspired us... When the five of us were on our conference call yesterday, we talked about it a bit--each acknowledging how much we can want pieces of each other's lives. Her posting inspired us to talk about it and reflect. One friend said, "It helped me realize that what I was jealous of wasn't actually the thing I thought I wanted, rather it was the feeling of taking a risk and pursing a passion. And then I realized I am doing that! I don't need to be jealous!"
To have friends we admire means we have friends that will wow us, which means chances are high that we'll sometimes feel less-than-wowing. To be human means we will sometimes compare and feel jealous. To have healthy friendships means we do the ongoing work of living our dreams and cheering for theirs. To grow deeper means we sometimes talk about it.
Thank you, Krista, for sharing this post with us, your girlfriends, and for kindly giving me permission to share it with a few of mine via this blog. ;) The good news is that if we both keep sharing our lives with each other, then we can live a wee bit vicariously through each other... I am cheering you on and love the life you've created!
This Thanksgiving... what would it look like for each of us to let go of one "dream" that is someone's elses and instead choose peace and acceptance for one of ours? And who do you sometimes feel jealous of that you could write a note to them this month and tell them you're thankful for them, their accomplishments, and how much they wow you?