hard to make friends

How much do you REALLY want good friends?

Rare is the person who will say "I don't want more from my friendships." Whether that "more" means making new friends, feeling more fulfilled with their current friends, or feeling like they have the time to enjoy those friends-- most of us want more.

And yet... unfortunately all to rare, too, is the person willing to really do something about it.

Unfortunately, the actual process of making friends includes activities and feelings most of us would rather avoid:

  • putting ourselves in situations to meet people (and, unfortunately TV characters don't count)
  • small talk with strangers (every friend starts out as one!)
  • initiating a get-together (why can't they just appear on our door when we have time?!)
  • annoying logistics (back and forth emails, anyone?)
  • feeling our insecurities (what will I say? what if I look nervous? what if I'm too shy?)
  • fearing rejection (they probably won't like me... they probably don't need new friends... they probably won't make time for me)
  • believing the future can be different from the past (ever been betrayed? ever felt de-valued? ever felt like nothing works?)

The very process of making friends quite different from the outcome we hope to experience.

What we want to feel is supported, loved, seen, known, and valued.  What it takes to get there sometimes is awkwardness, small talk, exhaustion, insecurities, and uncertainty.

What we want is intimacy; what we have to start with are introductions.

What we want is familiar; what we have to start with is foreign.

What we want is a best friend; what we have to start with is a new friend.

His Question: Are you willing to suffer for what you want?

A blog post written by a guy named Mark Manson in 2013 is now making it's rounds on Facebook (I had two separate friends send me the article this week!) where he challenges his readers: are you willing to suffer a process for the outcome you desire?

He argues it's the most important question you can ask yourself.  Reminding us that we all want pretty similar things in life: healthy bodies, amazing relationships, meaningful work, abundant money, and realized dreams, but we're not all willing to suffer the process that comes with those things.

Here are some examples, besides the friendship one I started with:

  • In the book writing world, it's said that 81% of Americans say that they want to write a book-- but only a small fraction do.  Understandably... since it's a long road of time and emotion.
  • Most Americans want to be thinner or healthier... but not all of us are willing to go sweat or say no to our pleasures in order to achieve it.
  • Mark said he wanted to be a rock star, but he wasn't really willing to play small gigs, haul his music gear, and round-up a band. It's a lot of work!

He says, "I wanted the reward and not the struggle. I wanted the result and not the process. I was in love not with the fight but only the victory. And life doesn’t work that way."

My Answer: The Price Tag

I agree with him that we do in fact need to ask ourselves what we're willing to give toward the outcomes we desire...

But, and this is a big but: our ultimate goal isn't to suffer as much as it's to invest in what we say matters to us.

The metaphor I often use with myself is that of a price tag:  How much am I willing to pay for this?  Which has to be asked with the question: how much do I value this?

price of friendships

When we go shopping-- we have choices.  We can buy the used, beat-up, 10-year old car for $2500... or we can buy the newest one that boasts a few more zeroes on the price tag.

Which one is the right choice? It depends on what you think you're buying, how much it matters to you, what you most value/prioritize, how many resources you have, and what other things you need to buy with what you have.

Sometimes the "cheaper" option is the right choice and sometimes it's not.  Sometimes the higher price tagged item is the one we choose because we value what we're getting with that extra cost.

We all have things in our lives we're willing to "pay the higher price" for... we do that because we believe the outcome is worth the cost.  We pay more for what we value.

So the goal isn't just to be pay the cheapest price for everything, nor is it to pay the highest price for everything we say we want; the goal is to make sure that we invest our resources in the areas that we say matter the most.  That may mean, since we have limited resources, we have to "spend less" in some areas in order to "afford more" in other areas.

What Price Tag is Worth Friendship to You?

I invite you to really ask yourself this year:

  1. How much do I really want more in my friendships this year?
  2. How important is that outcome to me? How valuable is it?
  3. What price tag or investment am I willing to make for that outcome?
  4. Do the two--the value and the price-- match? (Does the value and price feel fair or am I hoping for "a new car" while only willing to pay for "a used one"?)

The goal, of course, isn't to "suffer" but rather to know that what we're investing in is worth the outcome to us.

If experiencing more in your friendships is important to you... what might be some of the "costs" (see list at top of post for some ideas!) that you think would be the best investments you're willing and able to make toward that outcome?

My prayer for you: that you reach your friendships goals and say "it was worth every cent."

Moms: Please Model the Friendships You Wish For Your Kids

Before I jump into the subject I really want to share today, I want to post some links to the 2-3 minutes videos that have been playing all week over at the Dhana EcoKids blog. Today ends a 6-part video series I did in collaboration Shamini, the CEO, a woman who knows the value of female friendship. She interviewed me talking about the friendship challenges that her audience (primarily mothers) face as they engage in friend-making:

  1. Intro Video: Meet Shamini & Shasta--read a summary of the whole series.
  2. Day 1: The Three Challenges Moms Face in their Friendships
  3. Day 2: 1st Challenge: Being Friends With Women at Different Life Stages
  4. Day 3: 2nd Challenge: Not having the Time or Energy for Friend-Making
  5. Day 4: 3rd Challenge: My Kids Friends and My Friends Aren't Related

And today, is the last video of the series: Model the Friendships You Wish for Your Kids

One of the exercises I used to have women in my friendship programs do was journal about what they remember learning from their mother about female friendship.  I encouraged them to try to go back through all their memories to see what was spoken or modeled to them-- do they have memories of mom going out for girls nights? What did their moms say or imply about female friendships (worth it? not trustworthy?) Do they remember seeing their mom gab on the phone with girlfriends in the evenings?  Did their mom have friends over frequently?

And while this isn't scientific polling, I'd estimate that 7 out of 10 women ended up confiding in me that they were shocked that they couldn't remember if their mothers even had close friends.

It was a rare woman who said that her mother had what she'd call healthy friendships, the kind of community she wants to replicate in her own life. I've had only a handful of women say to me, "I had great modeling."

Unfortunately, most of the women have this ah-ha that says "Oh, this may speak to why this is so hard for me... I never had healthy friendships modeled to me."

Now, I want to give the benefit of the doubt to most of those mothers and hope that their daughters who I'm working with in my programs simply don't remember.  I want to believe that their mothers really did have meaningful friendships that mattered to them.  But it still raises the question about modeling.  If your child didn't see it-- they didn't pick it up. If it all happened when they were really young--they won't remember it.

If we don't have it modeled to us, then how are we supposed to learn it? We certainly aren't taught any classes in school. We end up just thinking we're supposed to just naturally be good at female friendship-- instinctively knowing the different types of friends, what healthy expectations look like, how to transition relationships through various life changes, how to foster them through the five stages, and how to ask for what we need--while rarely having our teachers or mothers explain to us what's normal, healthy, and meaningful.

More than wanting our kids to have healthy friendships, we have to show them that it's a priority in our lives.  We have to kiss them good-bye in the early evening and say "Tonight is when I get to go be with my friends-- see you in the morning."  And we can't just do it once.

  • I think of my friend Daneen who leaves her daughter every Tuesday evening for girls night-- her daughter knew that mommy was playing with her friends and that she was going to have a special night with Daddy.
  • I think of my sister who, with her best friend, gets their families together all the time-- not for the sake of the kids, but for the sake of the moms.
  • I think of my own step-mom who left me with memories as a little girl of her going shopping on Sunday afternoons with her girlfriends.
  • I think of the time I walked down the stairs late one night to see my mom and her friend Ellen eating a whole pot of tapioca pudding and giggling-- to this day it's one of my favorite memories.
  • I think of the women in my girls group--Val, Karen, and J'leen-- who, every spring, tell their kids that they are going away for a girls weekend with their girlfriends, and then leave their kids with spouses, parents, or friends.

Hard to do? Absolutely. Important, though? Absolutely.

My invitation to you is not an easy one.  But I implore you to picture the friendships you want your kids to have when they are adults.  And model that to them now.  There is simply nothing more powerful than modeling-- you are the most influential person in their lives--you showing them how important those relationships are will serve them their entire life.

And the good news? It's not just for their benefit that you are prioritizing time with friends. The gains will be worth the time and energy.

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Speaking of Girls Night Out-- I'd LOVE to have you join me at one of my upcoming book launch parties from Feb.4-Feb.8. For the price of my book, you'll also get goody-bags, wine, treats, and get to hear me read and share from my book before I sign them!  I'll be in San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York City, and Chicago.

 

Why I Started GirlFriendCircles.com

My Story...

When I was new to San Francisco eight years ago, I still remember standing at a café window on Polk Street watching a group of women inside, huddled around a table laughing. Like the puppy dog at the pound, I looked through the glass, wishing someone would pick me to be theirs. I had a phone full of far-flung friends’ phone numbers, but I didn’t yet know anyone I could just sit and laugh with in a café.

It hit me how very hard the friendship process is. I’m an outgoing, socially comfortable woman with a long line of good friendships behind me. And yet I stood there feeling very lonely. And insecure. And exhausted at just the idea of how far I was from that reality.

I knew I couldn’t just walk in there and introduce myself to them. “Hi! You look like fun women, can I join you?”

I would have been met with stares of pity. No one wants to seem desperate, even if we are. We don’t have platonic pick-up lines memorized. Flirting for friends seems creepy. Asking for her phone number like we’re going to call her up for a Saturday night date is just plain weird. All the batting of my eyelashes wasn’t going to send the right signals. I wanted to give them my friendship resume, my vast references from past friends who adore me, assuring them how lucky they would be to call me a friend.

But it doesn’t work that way. And so I turned away from the scene of laughter and walked away.

No, unfortunately, friendships don’t just happen.

Her Story....

So several years later when one of my coaching clients said to me in exasperation, "Ugh!  I can line up three dates on Match.com for next week if I wanted to, but far be it from me to figure out how to meet new female friends," it tapped a chord in me.  I remembered the feeling.

I went to bed that night just trying to thinking of who I could introduce her to that I knew, and woke up with the entire GirlFriendCircles.com concept in my head.

I woke up and wondered what it would be like if all of us could share our friends who live far away from us with other women who needed them in those new cities.  I woke up wondering what it would be like if none of us felt any embarrassment at all about fostering the friendships we need.  I woke up wishing there were a way for all of us who were open to new friends to raise our hands and find each other.  I woke up and wanted to make it easier for women to find new friends.

Our Story...

And I knew I didn't want it to be like match.com where we were left picking our best friends from profiles.  For seriously, how many of my current friends would have made that cut?  It was time together that made me love them, not their cute photo or what they did for a job. Besides who wants to be left relying on awkward emails back and forth to set up a first date?

And I knew I didn't want it to feel like big happy hour parties where rooms full of women mingled, shook hands, and made small talk.  Shivers.  I'm an outgoing person and I still hate working a room.  I hate that feeling of looking for the next conversation... feeling like everyone else knows someone except me.  No thanks.

So I decided that the way I wanted to look for friends would be in small groups.  Over real conversation. In casual cafes and wine bars.  With a format where we all got to share a little and hear a little of the stuff that matters.  So we do ConnectingCircles-- small groups of women matched up in local areas for an evening of conversation.  And we provide sharing questions so that everyone gets to participate. (Because trust me, while it may feel awkward to pick questions, it's waaaay more awkward having one talkative woman monopolize the conversation or having everyone talk about their favorite movies all night or having the shy girl leave never feeling seen.)  So it's become our popular process-- 3-6 women connecting, talking not about the weather, their jobs, or the news-- but about themselves.  Love it!

Thus GirlFriendCircles.com was conceived.  It would be a good seven months before I launched the first online version.  And several months from that before I felt like it was working.  And several months after that before I started blogging.  And another six months before we got any press.  And many months later before we were improving our systems based on what we were learning.  And many more months.... you get the idea.  We're still growing and becoming.

And if it's been a while since you've visited our website, we welcome you to come sneak a peek as we just gave her a bit of a makeover today.  :)  And please, help us tell a few more women to raise their hands with us if they want a few more meaningful friendships in their lives.

new site

Today, I'm thrilled that we have had nearly 15,000 women sign up for female friendship in over 35 cities across the U.S.  And we're preparing for our biggest year yet.  Thanks to all those who have journeyed with us, even through growing pains.  We're honored.  We haven't given up on you!  We are looking forward to some fabulous highlights in 2013!

To all of us who have known that feeling of being ready for some good friends but felt at a loss for knowing how to develop them-- this one's for you!