Yesterday I hosted a room on Clubhouse—an audio-only app that is still in beta—where I invited two other friendship authors to join me in sharing some of our best tips for fostering healthy friendships even when we’re socially distancing, remote-working, and unable to rely on our normal activities to bring us together. To make the wisdom more easily accessible, I jotted down the tips that we all shared based on some of the latest research, our experiences, and countless interviews with so many of you as we hear what’s working, or not.
May one of these nuggets help inspire you as you continue leaning into the friendships that we all so very much need— now, and anytime!
If you’re on Clubbhouse, come follow us at @ShastaMNelson, @whatsupsmiley, and @Katvellos
Kat Vellos, Author of “We Should Get Together”
“Add Variety to Your Methods of Interacting!” Try not to rely on only one way of communicating right now— whether that be only zoom, texting, or social media. “The more you can add a variety of ways of interacting— such as writing a heartfelt letter, sending a surprise gift, or going for a walk while talking on the phone, the better it will feel to each of you and the stronger your relationship will be for all the additional ways you can reach out to each other. “You don’t want your relationship to live in only one place!”
“Ask Better Questions!” We know from research how powerful curiosity is to our relationships so practice asking more open-ended, warm, and inviting questions about new topics! Let’s practice giving permission for our friends to talk about the things that really matter by asking “What is something you haven’t yet had the chance to talk to someone about? I’m available for really listening!” Or, follow up on something you saw on social media by writing, “I’ve been loving all your pictures of hiking, I’d love to talk more with you about our relationships to nature!” Or, replace ”How Are you?” with one of these questions that will help you better communicate either your warm wish or your sincere desire to have a deeper conversation!
“Experiment with More Unscheduled Connecting.” For many, the idea of being scheduled for a call can leave us feeling more drained than the delight that might come from a “surprise” call. While typically both agreeing to a time can help make the connecting happen, if you’re feeling too tired or like life is too full, try suggesting “windows of time” to a friend such as “I’m free anytime on Sunday between 2-4, feel free to call when you want!” and letting it be a bit more spontaneous.
Adam (Smiley) Poswolsky, Author of “Friendship in the Age of Loneliness”
“Show Up As a Connector for Your People!” Your friends and network have a lot of needs now that we can easily fill online— from connecting them to each other, to sharing resources with them, to introducing them to a potential job, or to sharing with them a favorite recipe! Be known among your friends as a “matchmaker” who wants to help them. The act of generosity will not only strengthen the bonds of your relationship and leave others feeling more supported, but helping others is one of the best ways to feel less lonely!
“Learn with Others!” Join a class, a group, a mastermind, or a program where you have the consistency with other people as you all share a common goal. Learning— whether it’s for cooking, music, writing, or business— can be invigorating and fun, while also giving us the opportunity to connect with others on a regular basis so can forge new friendships.
“Reconnect with 3-5 People!” Write down the names of a handful of people who you want to feel more connected to and put it somewhere you can see it so you are consistently reminded of your priorities and your desire. Seeing their names will help trigger you to reach out to them more often.
Shasta Nelson, Author of “Frientimacy”
“Be Intentional to Add Positive Emotions.” During the last year, as I’ve been tracking the health of relationships, the biggest drop has been in Positivity— which is not only one of the 3 requirements of every meaningful relationship, but is the one that motivates us to want to be in relationship: we want to feel more love, more enjoyment, more support, more empathy, and more hope. We reach out to others in order to feel better, we want friends with hopes that we’ll feel happier, we spend time with people in order to enjoy ourselves. So let’s not just “hope” it happens but interact with people with the intention of at least starting and ending every conversation by adding some positive emotion with expressing our gratitude, our appreciation, or our love. The more we can explicitly state that we like the other person and leave them feeling seen and appreciated, the more they will want to connect with us!
“Prioritize fewer relationships over trying to stay in touch with everyone.” If energy is limited, then give yourself permission to simply identify the relationships that feel most meaningful to deepen and sustain right now. It is way more meaningful to have deeper, more heartfelt connections right now with the people you love and trust than to have “updating” calls with everyone. And the good news while we’re all connected via technology is that our long-distance friends can play a big role in caring for our hearts now that proximity isn’t expected for get-togethers!
“Practice Vulnerability that makes space for both highlights and lowlights.” If your friendships tend to easily go to what’s not feeling good these days, honor those feelings, but maybe then make time in the conversation to say, “Hey before we go, let’s both also share something that we’re proud of ourselves for doing recently?” Giving permission to still celebrate and feel good is so important even in the midst of pain. And similarly, keep giving permission to share what’s hard and stressful in each of our lives even if it’s “not as bad as what someone else is going through.” Our pain and stress doesn’t need to be minimized as much as it needs to be validated!
These are all shared with hopes that you will keep leaning into the friendships that matter most to your life right now. Big hugs!!
And if you’re on Clubhouse, be sure to join me for a Friendship Q/A next Tuesday, March 9 at 11 am PST/2pm EST.