The Act of Vulnerability That No One Talks About

When we think of vulnerability, we all too often think of sharing our insecurities, anxiety, and stories of shame. But that type of sharing is only one out of the 5 ways to be vulnerable with others. It's certainly important to deepening relationships to know we can reveal what we fear is our worst and be reminded we're still loved and accepted; but it is such a limited definition of vulnerability.

Relational vulnerability, in general, is anything that exposes more of who we are to others; and specifically, the actions we take to share life more widely and deeply with others.

Perhaps the Scariest Act of Vulnerability?

And while I teach 5 different pathways, or acts, of vulnerability in my book Frientimacy; there's one of the acts, in particular, that I think could drastically improve our friendships, our self-esteem, our contributions in the world, and our joy, if we practiced it more regularly.  But not only do we not engage in it often enough with our friends, the truth is that most of us don't even know we should be!

What is this secret act of vulnerability, if it's not bringing our skeletons out from our proverbial closets?

It's the act of Shining in Front of Each Other.

One of the most undervalued acts of vulnerability is supporting each other’s success in this world. Being willing to shine in front of our friends by sharing what is going well, why we are proud of ourselves this week, and what we do like about ourselves. It takes courage to be willing to shine fully in front of our friends, and take in their affirmation, cheers, and love.

And it takes just as much vulnerability to encourage our friends to shine in front of us!  Why?  Because often their shining may trigger our own feelings of insecurity or envy. It can be hard to cheer for her pay raise if we're barely paying the bills, and painful to celebrate her new boyfriend in the midst of our break-up.

But we're called to feel that vulnerability--both of sharing and cheering--and rise the occasion of being women who can shine in front of each other.

When we talk about feeling safe and loved by others we often say, we want to be accepted for "the good, the bad, and the ugly," but most of us actually feel more practiced and comfortable whining about the bad and the ugly, and not being as forthcoming with the good.

5 Ideas to Practice Shining With Our Friends

1. CHERISH YOUR LIFE: While we want to be honest about the fact that some areas of life aren’t ideal, we also want to actively identify the areas that are good—and be honest about them. Practice saying, “I’m really fortunate that I don’t struggle with X, but I’m sensitive to those who do. And while I certainly struggle in other life areas, in this one I want to appreciate what I do have.”
2. AFFIRM HER LIFE: Whenever you think of it, affirm everything you can think of about your friend. The number one value of friendship is to boost positivity by communicating acceptance—so cheer for her parenting style, her work ambitions, her beauty, her big heart. Everything.
3. INVITE HER BRAGGING: We need to practice owning our strengths and joys, but we’re all scared to do it, afraid people will think we’re arrogant. So help encourage it in her by asking her questions that invite her to share what she’s proud of. (“When do you feel most powerful at work?” “What makes you feel the most beautiful?”) Encourage her to really feel her successes!
4. INVOKE HER GRATITUDE: Women are known for brushing off compliments or dismissing praise. So, when our friend deflects affirmation, we can gift our friendship with positivity by playfully making her say “thank you” or by saying, “Wait, that was a huge thing you just accomplished; are you taking it in and really feeling it? Because you deserve it!”
5. REVEAL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Our friends should be those with whom we feel the safest celebrating our successes, so we need to practice sharing those successes—without being asked. Text her, “Just wanted to share: X just happened!” Or tell her, “I’m feeling more scared than excited that I just bought a house. Any chance you’re free to help me step into celebration mode? Takeout at my place?”

Why We Have To Shine

The biggest reason of all is that this vulnerability leads to greater intimacy and feelings of love with people because we'll feel more expressed, more seen, and more celebrated.  Sharing our woes, bruises, and disappointing circumstances can only take us so far-- it's when we start whispering out loud our biggest dreams, the difference we want to make in the world, and the personal growth we see happening in our lives that we become more of our best selves.

But honestly, another motivation for me is because our world desperately needs more people willing to shine!  And if we can't practice it with our friends, then what chance do we have of feeling more comfortable doing it in this world that desperately needs the best of all of us?  If I can't admit where I think I'm amazing, to the people who claim to love me, then chances are high that I won't be able to fully own that amazing-ness and shine it to a world of strangers and doubters.

This holiday season when you see twinkling lights and shiny stars-- I hope it'll remind you to think of something good in your life that you can share with someone!

xoxo

Shasta

P.s. I'm also teaching a 1-hr class called "Vulnerability: The 5 Pathways to Deeper Connection" (complete with a bundle of resources, such as a personal application worksheet and monthly challenge) for all members of GirlFriendCircles.com this month so feel free to join us (for only $20!) and access the class with your membership!  In a month where we can feel inundated with busy-ness and people, it's ever more important to practice adding Meaningful Moments to our interactions!

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Tips for Deeper Holiday Conversations

For as many of my friends who have confided angst at the idea of sitting around a holiday table with family who voted opposite of them in the recent election, there are also those who have just shrugged and said, "I can only wish my family talked about something that actually mattered!"

Two Ways to Go Deeper

Whether you're gathering with those who you are struggling to love and understand or those who tend to stick to small talk, here are two of my favorite ways to invite more sharing and love:

 1) Feature Affirmation: 

With a tendency for family members to feel judged, misunderstood, or left out-- let's make sure that no one leaves our tables not feeling valued!

My favorite way is to put table-tent name cards at each place and ask every family member to write one quality they admire and love about each person inside their name card.  During the meal, leave time to go around the table and have each person read their words out loud.

2) Go Past the Updates:

Whether you're gathering with family and friends you see often, or people you haven't seen in ages, ask a sharing question that allows everyone to go around and share a bit about their lives.

My favorite open-ended questions are those that invite vulnerability while allowing the person sharing to pick specifically what they feel comfortable sharing.

Examples:

1. What has been a highlight (something you're proud of, something that felt good) and a lowlight (a stress, a loss, a disappointment) in your life in the last year?
2. What is one big thing that has happened in your life recently, and how did you feel about it? And one thing coming up in your life, and how do you feel about it?
3. What is one thing that has changed in your life this last year, and in what way(s) are you grateful for it?

I always suggest that after each person shares, the best response from everyone else is simply, "Thanks for sharing!" so that we can acknowledge each other without risking advice-giving or getting off track from our sharing.

And bonus for doing this activity as soon as everyone has gathered so it helps set the tone for the whole day/weekend!  Maybe gather everyone around in the living room for an hour during morning coffee or appetizers?

What If It Feels Forced or Awkward?

But it's usually not for lack of actual ideas that we don't facilitate these conversations as much as it because we feel stupid, silly, or awkward leading them.

Chances are high that if your family doesn't typically gather and connect in these ways that you'll get eye-rolls from those who think it's "cheesy" or sarcasm from those who are uncomfortable.  But I'm of the mind that just because something is awkward doesn't make it bad.

I really do believe that everyone wants to be seen.  Sometimes we're afraid of it if it doesn't feel safe or if we fear rejection for who we expose ourselves to be.  But that doesn't take away the need and hunger to belong, it simply reminds us that one of the requirements of healthy relationships: "being seen" (vulnerability) has to be in tandem to another of the requirements: positivity. (You can order my book here for more about all 3 of the relational requirements and how they work together.)

Our family can trigger us like no other because we have a lot more "consistency" with them-- meaning we have history.  That history can lead us to assume more about each other, take things more personally, or not show up with as an open of a mind about how people might be different.  We have expectations and patterns and norms.

Therefore, the only way to get a different outcome after our time together is to change those patterns and norms, a bit.

So, yes, it will feel weird, awkward, or uncomfortable.  But that's only because it's not normal. Yet. And just as we go to the gym and expect to sweat and be out of breath because we value the outcome of being physically healthy; so, too, do we show up at the emotional gyms and push ourselves a bit because we value deeper relationships.

It is my hope, that one week out, you will make a decision to be someone at your holiday gathering who helps everyone share deeper, learn more about each other, and affirm each other in meaningful ways. Whether you're in charge and can set the tone, or perhaps talk to the host/hostess ahead of time and see if they're open to you helping facilitate something, but either way, you can be someone who shows people that they are seen and valued. It's simply a muscle to be strengthened-- you can do it.

May your presence at any gatherings this holiday season help foster more love, depth, and gratitude.

xoxo,

Shasta

How Important are Shared Political Views to Friendship?

"I can only get along with people who have a similar worldview as I have," I've heard a thousand times. Or other variations have included statements similar to "I could never be friends with someone who votes for ________." Because we're on the eve of one of the most divisive presidential elections in history, it seems a good time to remind us what does and doesn't bond us to each other.

What Do We Have to Have in Common with Friends?

Not only are we increasingly convinced what we need to have in common with someone in order to like them-- be it age, life stage, or political party preference; but we're also sounding more likely to have devaluing and disrespectful feelings toward those who aren't like us.

But what does the research say about what we need to have in common in order to bond with another human being?

In fact, hard data tell us that it doesn’t matter which particular parts of our lives are similar to those of our friends, only that we end up finding those similarities. The Brafman brothers, who co-wrote the book Click, share research that reveals people bond more deeply over the quantity of perceived similarities than over the quality—the number of similarities matters more than their content.

They wrote, “Sharing a strong dislike of fast food, for example, was just as powerful a predictor of attraction as favoring the same political party.”

In other words, what we consider as the “big” thing we think we need to have in common isn’t as effective at bonding us as having two or three “small” things in common.

The Brafmans further explained, “You’d think that people who share the same religious convictions and political views, for example, would be more likely to hit it off than those who share only similar tastes in films and music . . . but it didn’t matter at all which topics underlay the similarity—it was the degree of similarity that was important.”

What might that mean to those of us who are at risk of thinking half the population is disqualified as being someone we might like?  It reminds us that we need to engage in more conversation with people who don't share our political views so that we can eventually bond with them because we took the time to find out that we have both traveled to Japan, both love green smoothies, and both enjoy reading sci-fi.

Why It's Important to Find Those Commonalities

Understandably, similarity matters.  We not only feel closer to the people with whom we can find commonalities--be it fans of the same sports team or voting for the same presidential candidate; but experiments actually show us rating those who we're told agree with us (even if they don't!) as more attractive and better people than if we have to rate those same people but are told they disagree with us. Indeed, we have a bias toward commonality.

In fact, in one study at Santa Clara University, participants were more likely to double their small financial donation if the person asking them for money shared their same name.  In another study, people were twice as likely more likely to sacrifice a couple of hours to help a stranger with a task if they discovered that they shared the same birth date with them; and 80% of them agreed to help if they were told they shared a rare fingerprint pattern!

The truth is that once we accept certain people as "like us", we start to see them differently.  And when we see them as similar to us in some way, we treat them better: we are more kind, more generous, more accepting, and more loyal.

I, for one, don't want to live in a world where we focus more on how we're different and unlike each other if we know from research and personal experience that our inability to find commonalities tends to put up walls, create defensiveness, increase paranoia, and decrease our kindness and generosity.  The answer to feeling safer isn't pushing "others" way, but rather the peace comes when we step close enough to see what we do have in common. (And there is ALWAYS a lot to be found if we're willing to explore!)

Examining Why Some Commonalities Feel More Important

I will not minimize how bonding it can be to any two people to find commonalities and feel closer and more trusting of those individuals. But just as few of us would insist that we can only bond with others who share our names, our birth dates, or our finger print patterns; as hard as it is to believe, who we are voting for is no more important to whether we can bond or not. I find it hard to remember that truth when I'm scanning my Facebook news feed, but just reminding myself that simply finding out someone is voting for the other candidate doesn't prove we couldn't be friends.

And note that in all these studies the bond wasn't actually because of the similarity, but because of how we felt about the similarity.  In other words, participants gave bigger donations not because that person's name was really the same as theirs, but because they were told it was the same as theirs.  They rated their classmates as more attractive or not, not based on real agreement that impacted real people, but because the psychologists simply told them they had more in common, or not. It was all in their heads.  Their kinder actions were based on the belief that they had something in common, even if they really didn't.

When I am reminded of the research, I feel a genuine humility. I am reminding myself how easy it is for me to create an entire narrative or story about people (and how attractive or good they are) based largely on my perceptions of whether they're like me or not. I am reminding myself of all the people I love whose vote I don't understand and am refusing to view them in any way that diminishes them down to just this one difference. And I am reminding myself that while I can't control how someone else votes, I can control whether I'm willing to look for something I have in common with them.

A presidential candidate is going to win and about half our country is prone to feel dismay, disappointment, fear, anger, and/or paranoia. The only way to heal is to practice connecting with each other.  We can do that one relationship at a time. One conversation at a time.  One commonality at a time.

Any tips you've tried that has brought your stress levels down when conversing with others who are voting differently than you are? Anyone willing to try to be someone who repairs and connects people together after the election? Anyone else up for the challenge of reminding yourself that you could still bond with someone even if they are voting for the other side?

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Moving and Making New Friends: Embracing the Change

When we want to make new friendships, we're often dismayed at how challenging it can feel. Katrina Emery, a GFC member who lives in Portland OR, recently interviewed Maggie Chang about how she ended up seeing a move as the best excuse to start over with greater intention!

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by Katrina Emery

Maggie Chang had lived in New York City all her life. Her big move had been from Queens to Brooklyn, and that was far enough. But moving to California? Terrifying.

“My husband made me do it!” she laughs. At first she had scoffed at his suggestion. She was perfectly fine, had family and friends nearby, and California was so far away!

Gradually she warmed up to it, though, and two years ago she, her husband, and her then-9-year-old son found themselves new residents of San Bruno, right outside San Francisco.

She tackled the move by pursuing new interests and passions, which was also a way to make new friends. After adopting a dog, she started volunteering at SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). She’s gotten outside more: hiking, beaches, dog parks, camping, exercise, yoga.

Her yoga passion actually led her to a deep friendship journey, in a roundabout way. In researching a yoga retreat, she ended up at Shasta’s New Year Retreat (“Reveal: A weekend where good friends dream up a great year.”). “It definitely wasn’t yoga!” she laughs, but she ended up loving the chance to delve thoughtfully into her own wisdom and intuition. The retreat offers women a beautiful place for guided personal reflection and facilitated group connection designed to reveal the themes and feelings that will best lead each person in the year ahead.

Maggie used the intention created at the retreat to focus on her relationships, and it was there that some realizations about her life in Brooklyn came up. “I was not actually happy in NYC,” she says, “not very connected to the friends and family I had there.” She hadn’t realized it at the time, but there was a distance growing in her old friendships that wasn’t being addressed or augmented with new ones. She discovered she had been suffering from a lack of meaningful healthy friendships for a while, even before moving. The research that shows we replace our friends every 7 years was especially striking to her. “Nobody teaches us these things!” She had been stuck in past versions of friendships that had changed. “There was some shame connected to it,” she admits, noting that since she claimed she had current friends (even though the dynamics had changed), she felt uncomfortable searching for “new” ones.

It wasn’t until the move forced her into new relationships that she suddenly felt ok pursuing them. Now, she was new to an area and had practical reasons for making new friends. The need to reach out made it ok to try. She joined GFC as a GFConnector last December, and committed to facilitating events for a period. “That’s helped. Not that it’s been easy or I’ve made a lot of friends, but it’s like I’m strengthening that muscle.”

Since moving to California, Maggie describes herself as being more intentional and more mindful of friendships. Her son, now 11, has his own friendships at school. “I’m now encouraging him, making it an actual goal.” she notes. “I want him to know that it’s important enough to work on.” She hasn’t found the perfect way to be vulnerable to him about her own friendship struggles, but hopes she can keep working on that. “One new struggle that has popped up is: Should I be making friends with moms of kids his age?” she wonders. More requirements for hopeful friendships (that they live close, that the kids get along, etc.), though, just ends up adding extra layers of complications.

Two years in, and Maggie still feels she’s in the middle of the transition. Her advice is to embrace the uncomfortable: “You’re going to learn and grow from change, so let it happen.” With the freedom of a new location, the pursuit and opportunity of new relationships is an important part of her life. “I’m not saying it’s easy or doesn’t take work, but I’m starting to meet new people and start new relationships.” She sounds hopeful. And proud of herself.

And she did find an actual yoga retreat to go on recently. An intense camping-and-yoga experience, the women there naturally bonded, and Maggie is hoping they can continue to form some meaningful friendships. She’s also already signed up for Reveal Retreat again this January, looking forward to connecting with other personal-growth minded women!

**By the way, if you’re interested in more information on the next Reveal Retreat, January 20-22, 2017, in wine country, CA, check it out here! http://www.shastanelson.com/retreat/ There are still a few spaces left!

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How to Say "Not Interested" Nicely?

I'm often asked "What do I do if someone wants more of a friendship with me than I want with them?" Or, "How can I tell someone, without hurting their feelings, that I'm not interested in spending more time with them?" Most of us need more community in our lives, but some of us need to say no to some people in order to say yes to others.

I'm not gonna act like this is an easy question to answer... I still struggle with it and sometimes find myself sitting on a coffee date simply because I found myself agreeing before I could figure out how to decline the invitation.

In romance, we tend to eventually find a way to say, "Thanks, but no," but rarely do we give that gift to other women.Most of us just play nice or just go MIA.  There has to be another way.

Simply ignoring women or continuing to act interested even when we're not isn't being honest with them, isn't leaving us feeling aligned, and it's contributing to our collective fear that if someone isn't reaching out to us that it means they don't like us, which isn't always the case.

Principles for Saying No to Others

Our goal in life is to live as aligned as possible: having our insides (feelings) match our outsides (situation/circumstance). Which leaves us with the options of either saying yes and truly being open to it, or saying no instead of just ignoring someone.

Here are my guidelines to practice saying no:

1. Always affirm.  Affirm how much it means that they invited us; acknowledge how much you admire them.
2. Then say no. Then check in with yourself so you can clarify your no. "Is it not now?" Or "Not as often?" Or "Not ever."
3. End with thanks.  Thank them for having thought of us, for reaching out, and encourage them in any way that feels kind.

In most areas of life I encourage women to simply practice saying "no" more often as a complete sentence without needing to explain or justify. But because in these situations it feels like we're often saying "no" to a specific person and because everyone's greatest fear is rejection, I think we can err on the side of showing as much value to the other person as possible, while also gifting them with our honesty so they aren't left wondering in uncertainty.

Sample Scenarios

Of course this is a hard question to answer because there are so many levels of friendships and varied reasons why we're saying no, but hopefully if I can give a couple of examples of how I'd say it, that might help get the ball rolling.....

• To someone we don't know well, but we don't feel like we have time for more friends.  "That is so sweet of you to ask me and typically I'd be quick to say yes as you are definitely someone I'd love to get to know; but unfortunately I feel like I am barely making the time to give to my current friends so I've been having to say no to other fun people in order to love those people well. But tell me what kinds of relationships you're trying to build and maybe I can help introduce you to people?"
• To someone we'd consider a casual friend but we're not convinced we want to invest more time than we already are making.  "I'm always so impressed with you for reaching out and inviting me to things-- I know that's hard to do and I really respect that gift you've given.  And I feel like I've had to say no a bit, and while I don't see that changing anytime soon, I wanted to make sure you knew that I appreciate the friendship we do have when we see each other at x (church, work, MOPS). I used to think every friendship was supposed to become a best friend as though it had to be all or nothing, but I'm learning to really value that while I can't be close and intimate with everyone I like, I can still be happy they're in my life. Thanks for being such a positive person when we do see each other."
• To someone we'd consider a casual/close friend but we don't really want to connect with much anymore. Basically if you're thinking about "breaking up" then I invite you to read these posts about The Five Questions to Ask Before Ending a Friendship, this post about how we can decrease the frientimacy in a friendship by decreasing consistency and vulnerability without having to break up, or this post helping identify if this is a friendship rift or a drift might help, too.  Because ultimately, we have to ask ourselves: is this a relationship I want to completely end (in which case I am a strong believer that we owe it to them to explain why) or is this simply a relationship I don't want to keep investing in a ton but am more than happy to still see her at parties or at the places we both frequent and keep up with her here and there? Knowing our desired outcome will help us shape that conversation where we can communicate the value of what we have shared and hopefully help establish expectations for both parties.

I often compare these conversations to going to the gym.  We don't get physically healthier by avoiding sweat, exertion, and stretching; and neither do we practice being our best selves (which includes honest communication and expressing value to others) without it feeling awkward, unfamiliar, or uncomfortable.

Let's become women who value each other so much that we'll line up our words to match our actions rather than just keep saying no or avoiding phone calls....

Have you been on the receiving end?  Do you prefer them just neglecting you or do you prefer their honesty? Have you had a conversation with someone you consider a success?  Share with us!

4 Ways to Not Let Politics Ruin Our Friendships

I saw on the news last night that the American Psychological Association says that "fully half of Americans say that the election has been a very, or somewhat significant, source of stress" for us.  In fact, a new term has been coined: Election Stress Disorder.  And more of us are prone to get it, if we're not already among the millions who already have it. Undoubtedly a huge portion of the stress comes from our fear of the "other side."

Certainly how we view the candidates, and subsequently their policies and worldviews, leaves a lot of room for discordant opinions and interpretations. But as an observer of relationships, the part that pains me the most is how this is impacting how we relate to each other.

Relationships At Risks This Political Season

I have caught myself judging others, "How can they believe this?" or "How can they possibly support that?" Perhaps you have, too.  Whether it's on Facebook, in our offices, or around our dinner tables-- the divide has never seemed so huge. Or so very deep.

This cartoon by Tom Gauld illustrates, only too well, how many of us are judging the other side:

Relationships that experience an increase in judgment, a loss of respect, ongoing criticisms, and frequent misunderstandings are prone to leave us having lost that loving feeling. We know from research that our relationships need to keep a 5:1 positivity-to-negativity ratio in order to stay healthy and I'm fearful that we're engaging in battles and brimming with judgments that aren't being counteracted with nearly enough love, kindness, and empathy. That's a recipe for some serious disconnection.

And it's a vicious cycle because, as we've been studying nuerobiology and relationships in GirlFriendCircles.com this month (see the note at the bottom for more details), we are reminded that the less connection and intimacy we feel-- the more likely we are to feel anxiety, irritability, stress, distrust, rejected, misunderstood, and apathetic. In other words, the less love we have in our lives-- the more likely we are to lash out at others, devalue their lives and opinions, spew distrust, and feel fear.

It's a double-whammy: we have an epidemic of loneliness that is leaving most people feeling more irritable and anxious about others AND then the way we treat each other ends up creating even more disconnection and distrust.

Choose To Be a Facilitator of Connection

In the big scheme of things, I am reminded that indeed friendships can save the world as we'd undoubtedly navigate these political transitions with far more grace if we lived in a world where we felt truly connected to each other; but in the short-term, there are things that some of us can choose to do that will help remind others (and ourselves) that we are all human, valuable, and safe. We can still love and relate even if we see the world differently.

Next time you scroll through Facebook or find yourself in a political conversation, I dare you to try one of these:

1. Look for Common Ground: What can you agree with this person on? Can you both agree you want fewer abortions? Can you both agree you want less mass school shootings? Can you both agree that sexism and racism is being revealed? What if you and the other person actually could agree on the desired outcome and really only differ on best strategy? Let's not fall for the myth that if we agree with them that we're "giving up ground," or "losing." Challenge yourself to always find one thing you have in common with them.
2. Say Something Affirming About the Other Side: The last question of the last debate challenged our politicians to say something positive about the other and you could just feel a collective sigh from all of us watching. It's exhausting to always be on the defensive. What if you actually wrote a comment on a friends post saying "you know this is one thing I admire about your candidate..." Challenge yourself to sincerely affirm something with whom you disagree.
3.  Assume Good Intentions:  This one is so hard as we are so quick to assign motive to each others actions. But we can either assume the worst and be wrong at least 50% of the time; or assume the best, and risk being wrong sometimes in that direction, too-- so why wouldn't we start from a place of hope and trust in each other? Research shows us how blind we are to our own levels of emotional health, almost always scoring ourselves at our highest because we know our justified excuses, valid reasons, and good motives; and that we score others at the lowest of the range because we can't see what battles they're fighting, what wounds they're acting out of, or what hopes that they had for that action. We can afford to be more generous knowing how horribly inaccurate we actually are at judging each other. Challenge yourself to try to defend "the other" as quickly as we defend ourselves and our candidate.
4. Increase our Positive Interaction:  It's impossible to not feel some angst in our relationships, but whether it's on Facebook or in real life-- let's be cognizant of the fact that those around us need 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction in order to keep the balance.  So plan activities you both enjoy, post positive articles, write affirmations, share jokes, and overall make sure you're not just spewing, fighting, and complaining more than you're loving, shining, and leaving others feeling better about life.

These might sound Pollyanna-ish, or like I'm asking for the impossible.  Your entire ego and sense of "what's right" might feel challenged.  But the truth is-- at this point, with the methods we're using, we're not changing anyone's viewpoint and we're destroying the fabric of our humanity.  Maybe it's time for us to give the "muscles of our best selves" a bit of a work-out and see if we can't get to election day with a bit more love left in our hearts.

What other ideas do you have? Share them with us!

Namaste (the best in me is choosing to look for the best in you),

Shasta

P.S. An illuminating take on this subject that helped inspire this post, also includes some great data and analysis:  The "Other Side" is Not Dumb".

P.P.S. I couldn't be more proud of the emotionally intelligent women who have joined GirlFriendCircles.com as they've committed to paying attention to their relationships in an ongoing way, learning about how to develop healthier connections with monthly classes, and choosing to be counter-cultural as women who practice placing the value on their relationships that science shows makes us happier and healthier. Join today to access this month's class "The 4 Ways to Rewire Our Brain for Safer Relationships" featuring, Dr. Amy Banks, the foremost authority in the combined fields of nuerobiology and relationships.

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What If No One Shows Up To My Event?

I LOVE teaching but sometimes we can learn even more through the stories and experiences of each other so I've asked Katrina Emery, a GFC member who lives in Portland OR, to help curate and write up some stories that might help inspire us all.  I love that she started not with a story that we'd all consider a "big success," but rather submitted a story of what many of us would consider a "failure." --Shasta

What If No One Shows Up To My Event?

by Katrina Emery

You know you want more friends, but thinking of hosting a whole event may feel intimidating. What if no one shows up? What if you're vulnerable and stick yourself out there and no one takes your hand? Miriam knows that feeling, but she's here to tell you to do it anyway. Maybe no one will show up. But maybe they will.

A GFConnector in Riverside, California, Miriam has volunteered to be an active

member in the GirlFriendCircles.com community in creating local friendships, both with herself and between others. “I believe that friendships make us better people,” she says. “Feeling lonely is not a good feeling, so I am taking responsibility for my happiness and [having] friends is a hole that needs to be filled.” Her profile cheekily mentions that she enjoys walks on the beach, though it’s even more fun when shared with others!

Part of the responsibility of a GFConnector is to facilitate events that allows members to meet new friends at a local hangout like karaoke, drinks, or just some coffee and conversation. For an introvert like Miriam hosting an event can be a challenge to get out of her normal comfort zone. But she was up to it, as she says, “I figured that if I want to be part of this women’s friendship movement, I would have to push myself into uncharted territory.” Waiting for strangers to show up at a local cafe was certainly uncharted. She kept it simple and sent invites to women who lived nearby, and even a few family and friends, inviting them all to meet at Panera Bread for breakfast.

She arrived early and waited with her GirlFriendCircles Sharing Questions (fun conversation topics to help everyone share!), ready to make some connections. And waited. Eventually her daughter came in to sit with her, so Miriam tried out some of the questions on her. It ended up being a good conversation that they probably wouldn’t have had in a different setting. After her daughter had to leave, Miriam stayed another half hour but when no one else came, she left the cafe, admittedly disappointed. Later, she said it turns out someone did come about 15 minutes before the event was set to end!

Despite the absence of her new friends, Miriam stayed positive, joking about the “almost no-show” event. She knows and deeply understands the difficulties in giving time to new friends. Between working as a Family Medicine doctor full-time as well as caring for family members that have become dependent on her, she faces the challenges of time daily. “I am working on creating time, because it’s important to me. I need peers… with whom I can laugh and play and recharge my batteries.”

Her story has a happy ending--or rather, middle. Or beginning? Miriam held another Connecting Event just recently and this time was able to have a lovely conversation with a new friend! With another event under her belt, she’s already planning a third for more activities. “Remember it takes time,” she says of making friends, “but it is so worth it. Enjoy the journey and take notes. There is much to learn about relationships.”

Leave your cheers for Miriam in the comments or share with us your own experiences about what you've learned from some 'failures' or what keeps you from giving up, even when it's tough!

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Dopamine: Relationships are "Supposed To" Give Energy

We keep hearing how good relationships are for us, but what do you do when relationships drain you, scare you, or exhaust you? Or maybe life just feels so blah now that you're left feeling lethargic, stressed-out, weary, or flat? Maybe the idea of peeling yourself off the couch to connect with someone just sounds like way too much work? Maybe you're not getting enough life-enhancing dopamine?

In my latest class for Friendship University I had the awesome privilege to interview the foremost authority on the combined fields of neurobiology and relationships.  Dr. Amy Banks, the author of Wired to Connect: The Surprising Link Between Brain Science and Strong, Healthy Relationships, walked us through the four ways we can improve our brain function in order to improve our relationships.

Science is continuing to reinforce that every single one of us is hardwired for connection.  Which means that when we feel loved and supported: our immune system is healthier, we recover from surgery and sickness faster, our bodies protect us from the impact of stress, we feel happier, and we live longer. And... in light of our conversation today: we feel more energy when we connect.

How Do Relationships Give Us Energy?

The human brain is designed to give us a dose of dopamine--the  chemical that not only lights up our pleasure center but also helps give us the energy to move toward rewards--every time we do something life-sustaining.

Dr. Banks says:

"Eating, drinking, water, exercise, sex, and healthy relationships are all supposed to trigger feel-good sensations, to make us want to do the things that are good for us."

She is quick to caution us that we "all live from one dopamine hit to another" (because it's natural for us to want to feel good!) but that if the human brain can't get that hit in healthy ways this is what drives so many of us to look for substitutes: shopping, gambling, over-eating, or anything that leads to addiction.

But What If Relationships Don't Give Me Energy?

In an ideal world, as babies we received love, touch, and connection that paired those actions with our dopamine producers.  Studies shows that when that link between relationships and reward was reinforced, it set us up for improved social status and social support.

But for many of us, if our childhood relationships were stressful or harmful, or if we were taught to be fiercely independent or perceived as weak for wanting connection, then relationships didn't get paired with our dopamine reward system as they were supposed to.  Which, according to Dr. Banks, means that "instead of becoming energized by friendships--even good ones--they are drained and depleted by the interaction."

Feeling disconnected provokes our stress response systems which raises our anxiety, provokes irritability, and leads us to assuming that we're being left out or rejected, even if we aren't. Which means what we need the most--connection--is unfortunately not only what we probably fear the most but also what we're least likely to feel energized to pursue.

But Dr. Banks and numerous other voices out there are encouraging us: we can heal our damaged pathways.  (If you haven't yet watched Johann Hari's TED talk reminding us that the opposite of addition isn't sobriety, but connection-- then it's a must see!)  In the book Wired to Connect she says,

But there is plenty that you can do to nourish your neurological pathways for connection. If they are damaged, you can start to heal them. If they are neglected, you can cultivate them. And if they are stressed, you can soothe them."

How To Move Toward More Energy in Relationships

Dr. Banks gives so many brain exercises and activities in her book to practice reconnecting the dopamine reward system to healthy relationships, and our GirlFriendCircles.com community is so enjoying the class, our worksheets, and our conversation this month as we dive deeper on the subject, but let me leave you with just one of her very practical ideas to try.

1. Identify the relationships that give you energy.  Who are those people for you?  With whom do you feel the safest? What relationships in your life give you some sense of reward or pleasure, even if small?
2. Try to spend more time connecting with those people. For many of us, depending on our jobs, we might be spending the bulk of our days around people we didn't choose, or with people who drain us. It becomes even more imperative to try to lean in to more time with anyone who does energize us.  It might mean calling our mom a bit more often, initiating time with a friend, or practicing more conversation with a safe person.

It seems counter-intuitive that when we lack energy that we need to then identify relationships to seek out, but Dr. Banks assures us that identifying our "strongest sources of relational dopamine" will give us our best shot at repairing our reward systems. Perhaps knowing that as you reconnect those wires, that what costs you energy now will reward you with energy down the road, will give you courage.

I do want to point out, what I hope is obvious, that "more relationships" aren't the answer to everyone's weariness. Much like how food is good for us and also gives us energy-- the answer isn't just eat more food! Over-eating can make us lethargic, too!  Or not eating the right food.  Or not having a good relationships to food or our bodies.  Or maybe your food is perfect and what you need is more sleep!  :) But please, when you're avoiding people because you don't have the energy, consider the possibility that sometimes, counter-intuitively, we need to connect instead of withdraw.

xoxo,

Shasta

p.s.  Interested in the Friendship University class? It comes with membership to those in GirlFriendCircles.com.  Every month we offer a new theme, a new teacher, new worksheet, and new friendship actions to practice-- join us in October and get access to this class immediately!

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How to Transform Disappointment into Feeling Loved

In my last video post I talked about how we can feel more loved.  It's SO important, because if we don't take the time to really articulate what makes us feel loved, then the outcome is DISAPPOINTMENT.  :( In this 4-minute video I talk about how we can transform our disappointment, and unmet needs, into clarity and fulfillment by sharing a ritual that I do on my birthday every year (and when I facilitate my annual New Years retreat) to help identify how I most want to feel.

When we articulate what feeling "loved" or "successful" means to us--because it actually feels different on each of us and can change at different times of our lives--then we can better collaborate with shaping our lives to result in the feelings we most want.

In my relationships, I assume that my friends and family DO love me... if I'm not feeling loved, then what do I need that is different from what I am receiving?

I want, more than anything, for you to KNOW what makes you feel loved and to focus your life saying yes to the things that will bring you closer to the love we all want.

xoxo

If you know what feeling leads you to feel loved, how can you see that helping prevent disappointment for you? What can you do to help facilitate that feeling?

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How Do YOU Feel Loved?

Do you know what it feels like to feel loved? Most of us are familiar with the 5 Love Languages--acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, and quality time-- as different methods of communicating love with others; but another one of my favorite ways for identifying what I need from others in order to feel loved is asking myself what I most need to feel in order to feel loved.

In this 3 1/2 minute video I share why it's absolutely necessary to identify what we each most want to feel in our relationships.  Every January on the New Years retreat that I facilitate, I guide the participants through a process to hear their intuition peak to them about what they most want to feel in the upcoming year.  It's so powerful, life-illuminating, and hopeful  to those who come, and while all our words are so different based on our current life experiences, without fail, the desire to feel "loved" is one of the most expressed feeling words.

We all want to feel loved, right?

But what does that really mean? To one of us it might mean feeling heard while to another we need to feel actually feel more expressed?  Or are we really saying we want to feel supported? Or believed in? Or encouraged? Or uplifted? Or trusted? Or trusting? Or resonant? Or valuable?

You can hopefully feel the difference in some of those words? The nuance matters.  How I go about increasing the chances of me feeling heard will look different, and invite something different out of me, than if I want to feel expressed.

When we know what feeling words lead us to feeling loved-- we then will be more available, aware, and ready to lean toward the people and conversations that will increase our likelihood of feeling what we most want to feel.

What feeling would lead you to feeling loved? Are you willing to share with us? (Note: we're not listing what behaviors others could do for us, but rather, what feeling helps you feel loved?)

Introverts & Extroverts Vs. Shy & Non-Shy

What if you're a non-shy introvert or a shy extrovert? That might sound crazy to some of you, if you confuse extroverts with people-skills or introverts with not liking people, as stereotypes are hard to break.  But for me, the first time I heard this it made complete sense as it finally explained why my husband talks to strangers more than I do, even though he'd choose a quiet night on the couch over going out with friends.

I'm a Shy Extrovert

No one is surprised to find out I'm an extrovert, but most people seem dubious to hear me

describe myself as shy. They seem surprised to find out that I don't talk to the people sitting beside me on the plane and I hate making small talk with sales people ("just leave me alone and I'll let you know if I need help!").  I cringe going to conferences where I don't know anyone and I can easily attend the same exercise class as you for over a year and not say more than hi. I can do those things and even do them quite well... but I don't enjoy them. I actually feel insecure and shy.

My Husband is a Non-Shy Introvert

And while no one who knows my husband is surprised he's non-shy, they never seem to believe him when he identifies as an introvert.  They see him talk to everyone, quick to start conversations and slow to say good-bye, and are in awe of how engaged he is with those lucky enough to connect with him.  His people skills are in the top 1% and he genuinely loves people.  But then he has to go home and recover.  He's worn out.  He has to pace his week to make sure there isn't too much interaction.

I interviewed Sophia Dembling a few years ago about her book The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World for a friendship course I was teaching and when she talked about the difference between being shy and being an introvert-- it made so much sense.

Defining the Terms: Extrovert, Introvert, Shy, Non-Shy

Put simply, an extrovert is someone who is energized by being around people; whereas an introvert can feel drained before or after interacting and need to pull away from people in order to get re-energized. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum-- referred to often as ambiverts, meaning that while we might lean one way a bit, we can certainly resonate with aspects of the other.  This classification tends to speak to what energizes and drains us.

But the above has nothing to do with our people skills or anxiety levels when connecting and that's where the non-shy/shy spectrum comes in.  Someone who is non-shy would tend to feel confident in talking with people, unworried about their ability to keep a conversation going, interested in getting to know people around them, and if not eager to meet stranger, at least not overly nervous about it.  On the other extreme, someone who identifies as shy would typically experience anxiety, nervousness, and uncertainty in meeting and connecting with others. Again, like a bell curve, most of us fall somewhere between the two extremes.

What This Says About Our Friendships

I find this all so fascinating.  Certainly someone who is a shy introvert might have one of the biggest challenges in feeling motivated to connect with others for they feel anxious and they aren't all that energized by it (although that's not to say they don't need deep human connection or that it won't improve their health and happiness to get it!).  Or how important it might be to a non-shy introvert to give themselves permission to withdraw even though they're so interested in people.

There is much still being studied in these fields and much we still don't know, but from what I've read so far it appears that while we don't have much control over whether we're extrovert or introvert, we do seem to have the ability to become less shy.  Neuroscience is showing us that our brains can learn how to experience more calmness in our connections, to feel more accepted, and to feel more resonance with others. In some cases it's that we can learn new skills and practice new behaviors that create stronger brain pathways, or in some cases it's finding healing from traumatic relationships or experiences that still trigger our insecurities or fears.

Maybe you've often thought "I'm just not that good at relationships" or "I'm not sure I know how to be a friend." Or maybe you can even feel your frustration at everyone for not being the "right" thing to you, or the shame you feel toward yourself for seemingly not knowing how to engage.  I really want to encourage you to not give up.

The good news is that we can create new trails/bridges in our brains and stop walking the same tired ones that lead us to anxiousness, irritability, fear, or the temptation to take everything personally.

Apparently, we can ALL learn new ways of connecting.  It's called neuroplasticity-- the ability of our brain to rewire itself, which is what many of us need to do in order to create the healthier relationships we need in our lives!

Have you become less shy? What worked? Have you changed a thought pattern or habit when it comes to how you relate to others? How'd you do it? Have you ever intentionally tried to create a new neuro pathway or stopped treading on one that was no longer serving you? What advice do you have for us?

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Two Ideas for Growing Your Brain for Healthier & Easier Connections:

1. Some of you might want to sign-up for the 13-class virtual course that includes the interview with Sophia Dembling: “The Friendships You’ve Always Wanted: Learning a Better Way to Meet-Up, Build-Up, and Break-Up with Your Friends".
2. But my favorite option is an invitation to join GirlFriendCircles.com where every single month our members receive a monthly skill or challenge to practice, a class taught by a leading expert, a worksheet for personal application, and a vibrant community for advice, encouragement, and support!  Talk about rewiring our brains for healthy connection over the long-run! It's purposely not too much that it feels overwhelming, but is enough to keep bringing your focus back to relational growth.

Our brain development is like exercise-- the more we do it and the longer we do it for-- the stronger we get.  We can't just try something once and expect a new habit to be formed. But we can see growth and change over time!  xoxo

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Sickness & Surgery: 10 Best Ideas & Gifts for Recovering Friends

My last blog post didn't go over all that well with you--my beautiful community of amazing women--and you were quick to let me know I had it wrong.  :) In hindsight, I probably chose the wrong illustration (a woman recovering from surgery) to make my point: loving acts are loving acts from our friends even if they don't initially read our minds to proactively give to us what we most need at any given time.  I think we too often take personally someone's inability to automatically know what we need. But even my husband who lives with me and knows me deeply can't always guess what I need at different times.  It's ultimately my responsibility to reflect on what I need, communicate that, and trust that his love is no less sincere as he responds to what I requested.

But to make penance for any implication that someone who's sick or in pain is at fault (she's not!) if her friends are disappointing her-- let's make a list of fun ideas and gifts to give to our friends who are in physical recovery mode.  :)

5 Easy and Affordable Gifts Post Surgery/Health Crisis

Easy because much as I admire those of you who can creatively put together something all thematic and homemade, I'm way more likely to send a gift if all I have to do it order it! Just only click and these gifts will be on their way!

Affordable because while we might want to pull off paying for house cleaning, massages, or meal deliveries for one of our closest friends-- most of us are on a budget and will have to suffice with cheaper expressions of care. These are all between $15-35!

• An infused water bottle.  "Drink! Drink! Drink!" is what we have to do to recover, but water gets boring after a while! For $14 send her a fun new way to get her fluids down!  And for another $8 you can add a recipe book filled with 80 water & fruit recipes for health!

• Coloring Book and Pencils!  Prismacolors are by far my favorite colored pencils (and this 24 pack is only $12!)-- they are the smoothest and the best! Pick out a fun coloring book to go with it and now they have something fun and creative to do while they heal.  (This one is my personal favorite for only $9 but there are soooo many to choose from!)

• Tangible Inspiration: This bracelet may not be the most practical of gifts, but I am someone who loves to wear something that reminds me I am loved and that inspires me as I keep on the journey.  This $34 bracelet says "she believed she could, so she did" but there are lots of other styles and quotes to choose from.

• Gift certificate to Audible.com:  When she just wants to close her eyes but is tired of sleeping... an audio book may be the perfect distraction!

• Dry Shampoo and Other Beauty Care: A can of dry shampoo ($8 for 1 so maybe order 2!) may not heal her faster but it certainly may help her feel more whole! My hair gets so greasy that I'd need a can by my bed!  Here's my favorite brand. Maybe add a package of bathing wipes to it, some amazing hand lotion, or some tinted lip balm from Burt's Bee's so she can feel and look better than she feels!

Are you on Pinterest? I've started a board with all these ideas and lots of others if you want to follow along!

5 Thoughtful Ideas of Time and Love

Most of us would probably concur that any gift or expression of love means so much to the recipient, but if you want to go the extra mile and gift your time then these ideas are as beautiful as they come!

1. Commit to regular check-ins! Reminding our friends that they aren't forgotten and sending them encouragement is so crucial! Ideas include:  mailing a card every week for the long haul, setting a reminder to text her every Wednesday, or making an extra effort to call her and check in more often (even if it just means leaving loving voice mails!)  @ClinkandChat tweeted me this idea: "text a daily joke or meme for laughs!"
2. Ask the honest questions and give time for deep conversations.  When we're present during someone's pain, commit to being someone who asks the real questions that give them permission to share what's going on inside of them.  Everyone else is asking about their physical health... be willing to process how that is affecting them:  How has this experience most affected you? What has been the most discouraging aspect of this? What has most surprised you in this experience? How would you describe how you've changed from this experience?
3. Keep giving permission for them to be just as they are. Lots of women said what they most appreciated were the friends who kept normalizing the process and were comfortable with not needing the other to feel cheered or "better." @GenerousAlix tweeted "Don't rush the process!"  And one friend said to me "The person I was most excited to have come visit me was the one who texted and said 'I'm coming over un-showered and I'll be so disappointed if you dare get out of bed or even brush your hair before I come.' as it made me let go of any need to prepare for her arrival.
4. Offer your time in direct service.  In an ideal world, if a friend asked how they could help, we'd name a few things, but most of us don't want to be inconvenient or assuming.  So if a friend said to me "Here are some options of things I can do... you either pick one or I'll pick for you, but I am going to do something and I'd rather it be helpful to you... so if you want to vote, please speak up!" then I'd feel that much better picking one!  Two awesome ideas come from a couple members from our women's friendship community, GirlfriendCircles.com: Kim Montenyohl suggested walking your friends dog which I think is awesome! And Julia Krout talked about how lonely she felt when she was physically limited after a surgery so the friends who would call and say "I want to bring you dinner and eat with you!" meant so much!  Other ideas could be: offering to do some online research for her (follow-up care, treatment reviews, best physical therapists in her area) if there's anything she's needing to eventually decide, offering to make her kids lunches if they go to school with your kids, call to ask her what you can pick up for her while you're out running errands one afternoon, offer to attend an important appointment with her or to drive her home, or insist on doing her laundry no matter how much she objects.  :)
5. Organize food drop-off and donations!  Set up a free account on mailtrain.com and within 5 minutes you can start inviting all her friends to sign up to cook a meal, have food delivered, or make donations to help cover medical expenses! It's easy to coordinate and you can help all her friends get involved so she feels loved and cared for in her recovery!

Please add your ideas in the comments and let's crowd source an amazing list that we can all use as an inspirational resource!

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When Our Friends Disappoint Us: What We Can Do

I listened to a client tell me a story last week about how hurt and disappointed she felt when her friends didn't rally around her after a recent surgery. I empathized with her, expressed regret with her that they didn't wow her and love her in a meaningful way, and then asked, "Do you think they knew that you needed anything from them?" "But it was a surgery!" she said, as though that answered my question.

"Yes it was," I concurred.  "But tell me how you talked about the surgery with them before and after the event.... Did you ask for help? Did you express your fears? Did you tell them what you thought you might need?"

When Our Friends Aren't "There" For Us

I continued, "In other words, if I called your friends now and asked them what they thought you might be needing or wanting, would they be able to tell me?"

After a few more minutes of conversation, her narrative--that many of us can probably identify with in one form or another--emerged:

1. We want our friends to automatically know our need. She held a belief that if they were really her friends, or even just good people, then they should know what she might need without her needing to tell them.

2. Even if we haven't yet articulated our needs. Yet, when I asked her what help she needed, she didn't have a ready answer and acknowledged that if she couldn't even articulate it to herself, that it might be asking a bit much to have others guess it.

3. Even when we know deep inside that they aren't unwilling to help. She acknowledged that chances were high that most of them assumed she didn't help because her husband was taking time off, her adult daughter was home, and she had lots of friends. And admitted that while it hadn't been meaningful to her, a few had said to her, "Let me know if you need anything."

4. Because we give to them, this is the least they could do.... But she couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal by her friends since she felt like she was always giving to them and this was "the one time I needed them."

Unmet expectations in our friendships lead to massive disappointment, hurt feelings, grudges, and worst of all-- the feeling of not being supported. And if we can't count on our friends, then we feel very alone and vulnerable. We feel betrayed because we thought we had friends and now wonder if it was all a mirage or a waste of time. We feel used... thinking about what a good friend we've been, and wondering what the point of it is if we can't count on the in return.

We Must Learn To Express Our Needs

There are a thousand conversations we can have on this subject (and my book Frientimacy actually has several chapters in it that teach these concepts!)-- including,

• being in touch with our feelings to know what we actually need (my client didn't actually need help as much as she needed to feel thought of and loved),

• being willing to let our friends see us with needs and feelings, especially if the pattern of our friendship has mostly been with us looking like Super Woman (possibly calling up a friend and when she asks how you're doing, be willing to be seen: "Well, I wouldn't recommend a regime of being un-showered for 4 days, laying in bed in pain, and watching soap's as a recipe for feeling hopeful. ha!  I'm actually pretty lonely and the days are feeling so long it leaves me wondering if I'll ever recover!"

• and learning to ask for what we want and need.  Which could look like either telling friends ahead of time "I'm worried that I'm going to go crazy or feel so alone that first week after my surgery.  Any chance you'd be willing to come over for a bit--better yet if you come un-showered--and hang out so I have something to look forward to?" Or even after the fact, "I'm going crazy and miss you.  I wish I could offer to come see you, but since I'm still not leaving the house much-- any chance I could entice you to come over here and hang out, if I were to order a pizza for us?"

Help My Friends Love Me Well

But what I really want to address is our fear that if we have to ask for something that it then defeats the purpose.

My client said as much, "But if I have to ask for it then they'll feel pressure or just do it from obligation or guilt."

Speaking Our Needs Doesn't Make Their Help Less Sincere

And to that I say:

"Actually, in my opinion, the friends who are willing to hear what we need and try to do it, if they can, are the best friends in the world. It's the most sincere expression of love to hear a need and attempt to respond to it.  And the most effective and strategic use of their energy and time, that has the highest chances of feeling fulfilling and meaningful to me, means that we both are as clear as possible what would be helpful. True friends don't read minds-- heck, we don't even read our own minds half the time!-- but rather they say "Yes!" when we reach out."

The goal is to feel loved.  And we can help our friends do that for us if we are willing to help tell them what that looks like. That they then step up is the highest proof that we are supported. It's our job to be in touch with what we need and communicate that to those in our lives who want to love us well.

Pssst: my next post gives meaningful ideas for how we can ideally show up for our friends without them having to ask us!  :)

p.s.  Want to learn more about preventing unmet expectations and practice speaking your needs?

We have a brand new virtual class titled "Preventing Expectation Hangovers in our Friendships" that features Christine Hassler, author of Expectation Hangovers, who teaches us how to communicate our needs to our friends to prevent disappointment and unmet expectations. Included with the 1-hr audio class is a worksheet, a monthly challenge to practice, and inspirational mantras!

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Others who took the class already said things like, "This class was illuminating. I learned so much!" and "This changed the way I view my friendships in life-changing ways. I can't even begin to describe how helpful this material was to me." and "I listened to this class three times this month just because there was so much I needed to keep hearing."

Buy this Friendship University class here and listen at your convenience!

Note: If you were an active member of GirlFriendCircles.com in August 2016 then you automatically received this class as part of your membership!

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Friendship Trends & Changes

I'm feeling a bit reflective this week as we are re-launching GirlFriendCircles.com after our initial opening nearly 8 years ago. In a few ways now feels very similar to then as every new beginning is fueled with both a sense of calling that change is needed and a slight vulnerability as one puts a new offering into the world.

And it's also got me thinking about how culture has changed during that same amount of time.

I've seen some big shifts in the world of friendship since 2008:

• Increase in Research and Studies:  I wish I had actual numbers to offer up here as proof, but what I can say is that back then it was easy to read everything that was being published (or had been) on friendship, and now it seems like there is a new study every time I turn around! (Which I love, obviously!)  I think Facebook and social media sites have helped heighten the interest in exploring friendship and social interaction (whereas our romantic and parenting relationships seemed to take precedence before), as well as giving researchers an easier pool of people to study.
• Renewed Desire on Quality, Not Quantity:  With the rise of social media, we ran headlong into a greater number of connections than most of us had ever attempted to manage.  And as time wore on, we started hearing more expressed hunger for deeper connections, not just more of them. Social media has adjusted by giving us "groups" and creating algorithms to highlight the people we know, more than ones we don't.  We got what we wanted: connection to everyone; and then realized we were full, but not fulfilled.
• Creeping Awareness to our Loneliness: The stereotype of loneliness used to be someone who was isolated, reclusive, and lacked social skills; but the loneliest people today are those who seemingly know everyone, are too busy to go deep, and are talking to people all day so they lack the energy to really connect with a few.  My own studies show repeatedly that our loneliness isn't due to not knowing enough people as much as it's because we don't feel known by a select few.  We are slowly admitting that we're lonely even though we aren't alone.
• More Openness to Online Friendship Sites:  Remember back in the day when people would feel shame and lie about meeting a romantic partner online and how now it's commonplace?  It'll be no surprise then that the same path is  happening with friendship.  I won't go so far as to say that there aren't people who fear meeting friends online, but now our members are much more likely to share their involvement on social media without feeling like they need to hide it!
• Growing Media Interest in our Friendships: When I started in 2008, the most common response from TV producers and magazine editors was something along the lines of, "Oh we covered friendship in a piece last year" as though that were all that was needed for another year or two! Ha! (And yet they think we need to learn how to "lose 5 lbs" every single month!) But I have been so encouraged by the growing number of books, segments, and articles on friendships in recent years!  The New York Times alone has published countless op-ed pieces calling out our loneliness!  And one major national magazine, in an interview with me in May, said "We have decided to cover friendships more than romance this year!"  That, my friends, is progress!
• An Inflation in Bad Advice: With the increase in interest and heightened awareness of our lack of depth comes an escalation of bad advice from people who respond more to our fear than to our growth.  If I had a penny every time I see "advice" telling people some version of "get rid of your toxic friends" then I'd be rich!  The truth is that it's less about who is toxic and who isn't (research shows that 86% of us claim to have a toxic friend so that would imply that we're all friends with the same 14% of toxic people or that some of us are considered toxic to someone else!) and more about how to teach people how to create healthier friendships. In other words, if someone does something we don't like (which is 100% likely in every relationship at some point!) let's learn how to communicate that and develop greater trust in each other than to simply drift apart, while righteously patting ourselves on the back for being so much better than everyone else.
• An Uptick in the Desire to Learn About Friendship: Book publishers have long known that women will buy any book that promises love and good sex, and will buy up every parenting book when they are pregnant; but that far and few between are the women who walk into a bookstore thinking they need to learn about friendship. And I can't say this has changed drastically, but I have seen far more willingness by women to come to my workshops, pay for classes, and share my book with their friends. I am encouraged that with the realization that they don't have the close friends they want, more women are willing to start doing something about it.  We've long assumed, wrongly, that we should just know how to do friendship, but I'm witnessing entire audiences walking away in awe of what they didn't even know they didn't know. We are willing to pay to learn in every other area of life (i.e. how to lose weight, how to do social media, how to look stylish) and I'm seeing more women choose to learn over the alternative of staying lonely.

May these trends continue to increase, and more importantly, may your life reflect your awareness of your need and your willingness to learn how to create more meaningful friendships!

What have you noticed and observed in your life and in those around you?

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GirlFriendCircles.com-- Re-opening to meet these trends and needs

GirlFriendCircles.com is being re-opened based upon these needs I see in the world: I want to connect all the women healthy enough to realize they are made to give and receive more love than they're currently experiencing; I want to provide them a place to learn all the things we were never taught about friendship and share the research with them in applicable ways; and I want to inspire them regularly to pay attention to different aspects of their friendship and help hold them accountable to the outcomes they want! 

GirlFriendCircles.com is open to women all over the world and of all ages (over 21) and they will receive:

1. connection to other like-minded women and introductions to new friends
2. a new class/worksheet/goal with a different focus each month (i.e. how to set boundaries, how to meet new people, how to practice vulnerability)
3. and access to coaching and advice from me, other teachers I bring in, and the wisdom of the community!

3 Tips for Successfully Making New Friends

I've got good news and bad news as I share my 3rd video in our series this week.

The good news is that with practice I am getting better:  it's shorter and I don't think I use any of the words that I apparently have a tendency to overuse: "abundantly", "just", or "right?".  :) The bad news is that I didn't shower and my hair reflects it! haha! oh well!?!

If you haven't had a chance to watch the other two videos this week then I'll catch you up today! This one covers it all!!

In this video I reveal:

1. Which of the 3 Friendship Benefits Matters Most to You.  I remind you of the three biggest benefits that we covered in our 1st video, plus I share which one was overwhelmingly the most important to all of you based on all your comments! (Thank you! It was so fun to hear from so many of you!)
2. Which of the 4 Type of Loneliness is the most Common to You.  In a poll that we took after this video-- there was a very clear front-runner to which of the 4 types of loneliness is the most common one.
3. And, My 3 Tips If You Want to Successfully Make Better Friends.  I share three expectations or things to encourage you to do if you want to make sure that you actually make better friends and not just say you want to!  (I expect that you're not doing at least one of these!)

If you're willing, please leave a comment and share with me which tip is the hardest one for you!  Which one do you find yourself most resisting or refusing to believe?

May we all stay open and willing to doing whatever it takes to create meaningful connection,

Shasta

CEO, GirlFriendCircles.com

p.s. We are re-opening GirlFriendCircles.com THIS Tuesday, July 19! Get ready to say "yes" to greater connection in your life! Watch your inbox for your personal invitation!

p.s.s. Not sure if the new GirlFriendCircles.com will provide what you most need and want? Watch today's video to find out what's coming!

The Four Most Common Types of Loneliness

Hello GirlFriends!

I am more convinced than ever that the vast majority of us are suffering from loneliness. And it's not that we're hermits or socially awkward individuals as much as it's a combination of:

1. We're exhausted and distracted with our lives.  Some of us are, in fact, around people all day long and serving people in every direction, but still feeling lonely because there's a difference between being networked and feeling like we have a support net under us. We're lonely because we don't have the energy to engage more meaningfully.
2. We haven't been taught how to connect with others. We feel like intimacy and connection should come automatically to us, but few of us have ever studied the subject, practiced new relationship skills, or been inspired by amazing modeling. This is a subject that we can learn and improve with intentional focus! We're lonely because we don't know what to do to change it.
3. We've been told that our friendships are a luxury when in fact they are very much a necessity to our health. More important to our health and happiness than our marriages, children, exercise, or work and money is whether we feel like we are supported and loved.  We're lonely because our life is full with everything else and we haven't prioritized our sense of community.

In this 11 minute video, I want to talk about loneliness, what it looks like in our lives, and how I want to address those needs by helping you meet new friends and make better friendships.  Here's a glimpse:

1. Why friendship is the most important health issue of our time. Wait until you hear the quote I share by Dr. Dean Ornish!  Amazing!
2. Why admitting our loneliness is important and what the statistics show us about how few of us feel we have someone with whom to confide. If you don't feel like you have a close friend-- you will soon realize you are not alone!
3. The four most common types of loneliness so we can recognize the needs in our own lives.  Which one most accurately reflects your current, or recent, experience?
4. And how GirlFriendCircles.com can help women meet new friends and make better friendships.  We're getting ready to re-open our doors to a new community that wants to provide resources and inspiration for all four types of loneliness!

At the end of the video I invite you to leave a comment and share with all of us which of the 4 areas of loneliness speaks most to you?  Which need do you most need to pay attention to meeting?

With so much love and a desire to transform our lives from that gnawing loneliness into fulfilling connections,

Shasta

p.s. This video is the 2nd in a series of 3 so watch for my next one on Saturday when I teach how we can grow our sense of connection! (And in case you missed the first one.)

p.s.s. I am re-opening GirlFriendCircles.com next Tuesday, July 19! Get ready to say "yes" to greater connection in your life! xoxo

Three Biggest Reasons We Need Friends

Hello GirlFriends! GirlFriendCircles.com is getting ready to re-open on July 19 with a bigger vision and a more beautiful interface! Woohoo!

I want to share with you WHY we're going through all this effort to revision and relaunch our community for women's friendships, so I made a 12 minute video to share with you:

1. The Two Friendship Problems I see in our world that are stirring me to action and inspiring me to brainstorm solutions for connecting us in meaningful ways.
2. The Three Biggest Possible Reasons Why We Need to be Connected as pretty much every other benefit falls under one of these three!
3. Some of the Excuses We Use for giving up or not committing ourselves to action and learning... and how those objections aren't serving our needs.
4. A Glimpse of My Vision and Hope for All of Us as we commit ourselves to creating better friendships in our lives.

At the end of the video I invite you to leave a comment and share with all of us which of the 3 BIG reasons for better friendships speaks most to you today?  (Of course we all want all three of them, but which one feels most valuable or urgent to you?)

p.s. This video will be the first in a series of three so watch for my next one on Thursday when I want to remind us all of the 4 most common types of loneliness!

Two Best Friends Return to Paris to Fulfill a Promise

It's story-time! This week I am telling you a story with hopes that it inspires you to say yes to something big in the name of friendship.... despite the excuses we all make so easily.

Once Upon a Time....

Our story begins with an idealistic freshman collegiate girl who saw a poster promoting the opportunity to study abroad in Paris for 3 months.  While she knew not a word of French, it didn't stop her from trying to talk everyone she knew into going with her on this glamorous-sounding adventure. Everyone eyed her like she was crazy except for one friend, Valerie, who within moments said, "I'm in."

Wanting their passport photos would look as chic and grown-up as they felt, they made the horrible mistake of both chopping off their long hair right before the adventure. Therefore, our young heroines--one sporting a haircut that was basically a mullet, and the other with bangs that started at the back of her head-- set off for Paris with little more preparation than learning how to say Bonjour on the airplane over the Atlantic.

To anyone who knows Shasta or Valerie, it will come as no surprise that their favorite activity while living abroad was eating the local food (and they each came home with an extra 20 lbs to prove that point!).  So much so that it made sense to them, at the time, that paying the 17 Francs to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower wasn't as compelling as buying a week's worth of pastries and bread. They figured they had seen great views from the top of Notre Dame and that pastries were much more important than "tourist traps."  But needing to bolster that decision, they idealistically announced that they'd "save it" for romance and come back someday together with the "men of their dreams." They patted themselves on the back that they could assuage any guilt for not ponying up the money and assured themselves that these imaginary men would one day thank them for the privilege of having Eiffel-Tower virgins to accompany them to the top.

The Paris Promise was made: they'd return.

Twenty Years Later...

It wasn't an easy promise to keep.  There were many times when both doubted whether it would ever happen as it just never seemed realistic or likely. Neither of them ever had thousands of dollars sitting around looking to be spent, (especially knowing that if they ever did return they'd need more budget than last time)! ha! And it seemed one or the other was always in graduate school, pregnant, going through a divorce, or had some other big reason why an international trip wasn't possible any given year.

But a couple of years ago, they started saying, "We simply have to do it."

And finally--this month--they did.

In January they booked discounted airline tickets on a sale, split the cost on a two-bedroom AirBnB, and saved up all their extra money to eat their way through France once again (this time hoping that 20 lbs couldn't be added in a mere 2 weeks, right?!?) Plus, as fantasized, this time they arrived with the men they love by their side.

These two best friends retraced steps and recalled memories.  They laughed at who they had been twenty years prior.  They grimaced over photos from the first trip; and then decided they might as well just be grateful that they had set the bar so low back then that now it was fairly easy to believe they had indeed improved with age! They toasted that they were still friends after all these years; and celebrated how much they'd created the lives that were mere fantasies when they were 18.  They bonded as friends, and as couples. . And they smiled.  And hugged. And laughed. A lot.

Here are a few photos:

The Moral of the Story...

It's really easy to make up excuses for why we can't do something.  And by excuses, I don't mean that they aren't real reasons. In fact our reasons are usually pretty good as most of us feel limited by the constraints of time or money, or both.

For us to pull this trip off-- Valerie and her husband had to find childcare for their three kids, my husband and I had to put some of it on our credit cards, and all of us had to say no to other things in order to say yes to this.

But I can attest that after having had the privilege of traveling with friends, as couples, that it was worth every decision that got us there. It was incredibly special and bonding.

Your story doesn't need to be a return trip to Paris with a friend from 20 years ago... it can be a camping trip this summer with a group of new friends, or an invitation to a friend to meet you in Mexico for a 3-night deal, or the decision to go on a day-trip with another couple.

All you need is a willingness to plan ahead to do something bigger with someone than meeting for dinner, the courage to extend invitations to others to join you on a memory-making adventure, and the commitment to devote some time and money to that time together.  Traveling with friends--whether driving an hour out-of-town for a day-trip or jumping on a plane for a weekend away-- logs more hours together and guarantees more bonding than meeting for a gazillion lunches ever could!  Shared memories bond us to each other in accelerated ways.

This summer:  what adventure do you want to do and are you willing to put that idea into action?

In Sickness and In Health, Part 3: Making Friends While Sick Or In Pain

This is the 3rd post in our 3-part series on friendships with those who suffer with chronic pain and illness. The first one, written by Lucy Smith (pseudonym) shared her experience with us after having been diagnosed with a debilitating neurological condition. She bravely wrote what she wishes her friends understood about friendship with someone who feels sick or limited. The second one, I weighed in with tips and principles I think are important for those trying to make friends while in pain.  And this final one, is again written by Lucy Smith as she shares her tips, from personal experience, about what she;s learned about making new friends even when limited by her health. 

Your situations are all so very different, please take anything that speaks to you, and add your own tips to the comments. It will inspire all of us to see what others are trying and finding helpful! Above all we applaud everyone who dares to connect their hearts, especially when their bodies resist in any way. xoxo

4 Tips From Someone Who Knows The Journey, By Lucy Smith

1. Create Some Friendships With Others Who "Get It." Finding people with similar struggles in a support group is often a great place to start.   That might be a support group for those living with chronic illness, a local disease-specific group (i.e. the National Multiple Sclerosis Society support group), or maybe some people who were on the periphery of your social network who have had medical challenges that you couldn't relate to before.  In some cases, you might not find those networks you were looking for waiting for you.  In that case, it may be worth creating a Meetup group or some other forum where you can bring people together in the way you were seeking. This doesn't always need to be a big time or energy suck - it might be as simple as stating that the group will be meeting a the coffee shop at 10:00 am on the 4th Saturday of the month and showing up for several months as momentum builds.
2. Initiate and follow-through, as much as possible. Once you've got a pool of potential new friends, try to follow (as much as you are able) Shasta's normal advice for cultivating new friends: those are the ingredients of a healthy relationship and even if we feel unhealthy, we still want our friendships to be healthy! That means take initiative when you can and have those "open hands" as people with a lot of their plates may not be able to commit as often or may not be able to follow through when the time comes. Though a friend will understand occasionally when you aren't up to getting together as planned, if canceling and rejection is the only interaction you have, that friend may grow weary of making the effort to reach out, even if she understands the circumstances, and may defer to not reaching out but instead waiting for you to make the effort when you are up to it.
3. Cultivate fun and joy: If you can get a regular group who understands your challenges, work on growing towards cultivating fun and joy where possible through activities that are not illness specific.  Certainly it is great to update each other on your challenges and wins, medical and otherwise, but cultivating activities that aren't centered around the narrowness of illness allows you to reclaim part of your whole self.
4. Receive, Say Yes, and Appreciate: And for those of us who are sick, it is helpful for us to remember to try to show up on our side when we are lucky enough to have a friend who is willing to stick by us during difficult times.   Allowing others to help you is a gift to the person who is offering to help - both to receive the help and to maintain connection.  We may need to work on being open to receive the gift.  You may repeatedly turn down offers to get together and get out or even to have someone come visit you or bring a meal because you aren't feeling as well as you wished.  Maybe you don't want to be seen when you aren't feeling well, or you haven't showered, changed out of your PJs, and put your make-up on.   Instead of feeling embarrassed about this, it is helpful to remember that you've got a true friend who is putting in the extra effort to show up when things are hard and that she doesn't care much about the shower, PJs, and make-up, but rather she cares about you. Say yes to that.

Thank you Lucy!  I appreciate you reaching out and being a catalyst for this conversation, and for sharing some of your energy with us in such an inspirational and informative way!

And I hope many more of you chime in on the comments!  What tips do you have?

National Best Friends Day: But I Don't Have One

Tomorrow, June 8, is widely purported to be National BFF Day. It's a day where I want to invite those of you with meaningful friendships to celebrate them (call them! give them a shout out on Facebook! write a text expressing your love!), and also be thoughtful to the fact that the majority of you may be feeling like having a BFF is more like trying to find a unicorn.

You're not alone.

Most Women Don't Have a BFF

Friendship research is still a growing study of topic so we don't have a plethora of statistics (compared to the traditional familial and romantic studies), but taking into consideration all the studies I know of where they measure the degree of friendship-- I'd venture a guess that about only 1 in 4 of us have a best friend.  Many more of us have close friends, but the vast majority of us are left feeling like we're missing "that one."

I'm of the opinion that far more important than putting the emphasis on finding the one person upon whom we can bestow the word "best" is teaching women how to foster their friendships to experience more of the qualities of excellence.  In other words: let best refer to the quality of our relationships, not the quantity. Unfortunately even by this measurement, we're suffering too: In a survey of nearly 1200 women that I conducted last year for my book Frientimacy, when asked how satisfied they were on a scale of 1-10 with the depth of their friendships, (with 10 being the most meaningful), only 6% of respondents scored themselves a 10.  The number goes up to about 34% of us if we include everyone who also score a 7, 8, or 9.  But even that suggests that about two-thirds of women are feeling the gap between the frientimacy (friendship intimacy) they are experiencing versus what they wish they were.

If you are coming into this holiday feeling like you'd like to develop more closeness with one or two friends-- I'm teaching a class tomorrow for you:

More Friendship Please!  What To Do If You Don't Have a Best Friend

Audio Class, taught by Shasta Nelson

What:  Receive a 60 minute class, taught by Shasta Nelson, and a worksheet with reflection questions.

When:  Listen to the recording at your convenience.

Where: Listen from your office after work, in your car on your commute home, from your living room couch with a glass of wine, or get in your pj's and listen from bed! We'll send you the mp3!

Who: For all women who want effective and inspiring strategies for developing "best" friendships.

What You'll Learn:

• What is the best definition for a best friend?
• The 5 Myths About Best Friends that Are Damaging Our Relationships
• Strategy #1: Where to Find for Your Best Friend(s)
• Strategy #2: The 1 Action You Have to Do To Create Deeper Friendship
• Strategy #3: Get Your Needs Met, No Matter What

Purchase the Class here!

We don't necessarily all need a BFF, but we do all need to feel like we have as much love in our lives as we can possibly hold.  We all thrive-- both literally and figuratively--when we feel supported in life.  Most of us have the capacity to give and receive more love than we're currently experiencing and it's our life invitation to keep leaning in and saying yes to more connection.  We've long given romance such a huge place in our human quest and journey... but that's just one relationship and we have so much more love to experience.  And so much more that we can.  It's not impossible.

Hugs and love to all of you this National Best Friends Day. If you have one or two of those types of friendships: reach out and express that love!  And if you're in a season where you feel like you don't have that depth with anyone: don't despair... love is always available and our willingness to open up to it will be honored.

May we all appreciate the love we do have in our lives and commit to fostering more if we feel that hunger.

xoxo