To My Non-Posting Friends on Facebook

I've heard all your sweet excuses for not posting updates on Facebook...

• "I don't have time for it."
• "I'm just not someone who needs to tell everyone what I'm doing...I'm not one of those people."
• "Facebook's privacy policy freaks me out.  That stuff stays up there forever."
• "The people who really care about me already know what's happening in my life."
• "My life isn't exciting... there's nothing to really post about."
•  "It's all so shallow and feels like one big place where everyone just tries to impress everyone else. I prefer deeper."

And I've nodded my head many a time saying things like, "That's okay."

But the truth is: I wish you posted more on Facebook.

Please, please, please post more often

Here is what I really want to say to each of your reasons:

"I don't have time for it."

If you never log on to Facebook because you don't have time, then this post isn't for you (though I hope you don't see connecting with others as a waste of time?); but if you log on and scroll through all our posts (and using your husband's account counts, too!) then the truth is that you do have the time. You're already taking the time to read, now just use 6 of those seconds to share.

Something in you enjoys connecting and finding out what others are doing. But you're not sharing that gift with us by sharing what you're doing. Instead, you're lurking and stalking, not connecting. You're eavesdropping and not offering anything to the conversation.

The truth is that Facebook doesn't have to consume your life or take that much time.  In fact, it's the easiest and fastest way to connect in little ways with a bunch of other busy people.

"I'm just not someone who needs to tell everyone what I'm doing...I'm not one of those people."

Those people are the ones who are engaging and connecting with others.  Those people are the ones who are keeping up more of their friendships.  Those people are the ones whom I feel closer to because they are posting!

What if posting occasionally may not be as much for you as it is for us, your friends, the ones who love you and want to know what is happening in your life? What if you viewed it as a gift to let us see a few photos, interact with you about an article you found thought-provoking enough to share, or to cheer with you when you're celebrating good news?

What if instead of viewing sharing as a need that others must have, you recognized that sharing is actually a need of relationships, in general? We don't feel close to others without mutual sharing. It's not a weakness, but a strength.

"Facebook's privacy policy freaks me out.  That stuff stays up there forever."

I remember as a small child occasionally calling my Nana who lived in Arkansas. It was so rare though because in addition to always being worried about the price of long-distance calls, she also fretted about the fact that her phone line was a shared line with neighbors. I recall her cautioning us: "Don't say much because you never know who is listening."  As a kid I remember thinking, "I don't really care if your bored neighbor listens in to me telling you about how much I love swimming in the pool..." but I took her fear seriously and our phone calls were short and perfunctory.

She valued her privacy more than connecting.  The cost of this is that we grew up hardly ever talking with her.

It's not for me to decide everyone's comfort level, but surely not everything in your life needs to be Top Secret? My personal rule-of-thumb is "Don't post anything I wouldn't say on stage to a crowded room while I'm speaking." Others abide by the "Don't post anything that I'd be horrified if it were ever made public" rule.

I can stand by all my posts.  If Facebook wants to keep them, go for it. In the meantime, I'm engaging with people and building my relationships.

"The people who really care about me already know what's happening in my life."

Really? hmmm...  I'm skeptical if that's true. You're saying that if I went up to your closest friends and family and asked them "Do you hear from her as much as you want?" that they would all say yes?

I know for me that even with my closest friends whom I talk to pretty regularly-- I can assure you that I learn a lot more on Facebook that doesn't always come up during our conversations.

• When a friend is on vacation, she's not calling me while she travels so I'm thrilled that she's posting on her trip and giving me a bird's eye view into her experiences.
• When a friend lives long distance, our phone calls may be filled with all the "big updates" but if she's on Facebook then I'm also able to better picture her life in all the smaller ways that make up her every day.
• When a friend comes over for dinner, we aren't pulling out our phones and showing each other photos of our work events, kids lives, or time with our parents--fortunately, if she's on Facebook then I get those too!
• Even if I talk with my friends all the time-- I'm usually hearing about events before or after they happen. But if she posts her excitement as she is getting ready to defend her PhD dissertation or her nerves before a doctor's appointment then I also get to say a little prayer and feel more connected in real-time with what she's going through.

I don't want to rely on Facebook to share the things that matter most with the people who matter most, but giving them more context never hurts. You can keep your friend list as small as you want or share certain updates with only certain groups of people-- but trust me when I say that even your closest friends would love more! Save your time together to then go deeper about all those events!

"My life isn't exciting... there's nothing to really post about."

The less you post, the more pressure you'll feel that they have to be "big" when you do.  Post a bit more regularly and you'll find that we want to interact with you on all kinds of things-- not just those rare exciting ones.

If you took that philosophy seriously-- that we only want to hear from you when there is something exciting-- then you'd walk around quietly all day long, never talking to anyone.

But the truth is that connecting and engaging with people-- whether that's around our real life water-coolers and in the parking lots waiting for the kids to get out of school OR around our virtual hang-out spots-- means being there, making eye contact, contributing to the small talk, and looking for moments where deeper connection can happen.

I love your selfies with your kids (Remember I don't see them often because we usually get together without them!), your thoughts on current events (How else will I be exposed to different ideas?), your favorite new Netflix series (Now I can put it on my list to watch!), or the latest health fad you're experimenting with (I would have never tried green smoothies years ago if it weren't for so many of you sharing how much you love them!).

I'm not asking you to wow me or impress me.  I'm just asking you to relate to me.

 "It's all so shallow and feels like one big place where everyone just tries to impress everyone else. I prefer deeper."

And that's different from a dinner party, how? Seriously. You can't hold that against Facebook. I mean that's just human nature when we're all trying to introduce ourselves and meet each other in new ways.

We can't just refuse to ever be around people unless they're willing to just go straight to vulnerable!

And "Small talk" isn't all bad.  I mean, it doesn't have to be about the weather (but let me just say how grateful I am when I do learn on FB about an upcoming eclipse to watch for!) but there are a lot of topics that are interesting, informative, and inspiring that may not qualify as deep. We are all shaped and influenced by the opinions of others-- and I'd love to have your voice and thoughts in my life a wee bit more!

No one is saying Facebook should replace your visits, your nights out, or your phone calls, but in a world where most of us wish we felt closer to a few more people, it doesn't hurt to use every tool at our disposal for creating connection.

So my dear sweet friends, I wanted you to hear from someone on the other side, who shares generously and often, that I wish you would share just a wee bit more.  We want to hear from you!  :)  Your fans are anxiously awaiting.

See you on Facebook, hopefully.

xoxo

Shasta

p.s.  Leave a comment! Anyone with me on this? Do you agree? Or am I overlooking a really good excuse anyone has? Better yet, any chance I inspired anyone to consider posting more often???  :)

p.s.s  Are you on other social media sites? Let's connect! You can find me and GirlFriendCircles.com on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, and LinkedIn!

An Example of Contact Friends: "The Friendship Circle"

I love watching little light bulbs go on when I talk about my 5 Circles of Connectedness.  It's not that describing different types of friends is revolutionary, but I love how seeing the spectrum validates us both for the amazing circles we do have, and acknowledges why we're sometime craving more, different experiences in our friendships.

In this blog I often talk about the far right-end of the spectrum-- as most of us are craving more Frientimacy, deeper connections, and confidantes.  But I want to dedicate my next two blog posts to some fabulous women on my left-side--the friends whom we share something in common, cheer for each other, and provide resources and support as we can in that context.

Contact Friends: We share a casual connection with these friends that is limited to one area of our lives. This is not the same as ALL acquaintances.  For example, we may know the names of all twenty people in our monthly association meeting or at church, but these are the 2-3 that we gravitate toward, considering ourselves friends when we see them even though we don't get together with them on our own, outside the shared context.

One of my Contact Circles: Twitter & Female Friendship

In the last couple of years as I've dived into social media, I can honestly say that building up some Contact Friends on Twitter is the only way I was able to stay engaged. Otherwise, it could have just felt pointless and exhausting-- too many people talking, too few listening.  But in the exchanging of some introductions (in under 140 characters), I now claim to have friends in that world.

These are friends in the loosest term of the word in that I have met only one of them in real life, know next to nothing about their personal lives, and we connect only in the area we have in common which happens to be twitter and the subject of female friendships.

But don't let the fact that it's casual imply that it's not meaningful! They do for me what my dearest, closest friends couldn't do.

These Contact Friends connect with me in different ways; they help me feel heard when I send out a tweet, offer to partner up on projects, congratulate me on my business wins,  and share with me the resources on our shared subject that they come across. Those are no small things!

Introducing the Friendship Circle

We've banded together and created the Friendship Circle.   Since they are all aficionados of female friendship-- they have a lot to offer the readers of my blog.  I want to introduce you to these friends of mine... that they might be yours too!

1. Business: Tell us what you do and why you love it!
2. Gratitude: What would be #17 on your list of gratitude?  :)
3. Friendship: Give a shout-out to one of your GirlFriends you appreciate!

Cherie Burbach (aka @brrbach), Friendship Guide at About.com

I'm a freelance writer and author, and I celebrate the fact that every single day I get to do something I absolutely love. The days fly by when you love your work. My #17 is that I have creative hobbies (crocheting, painting, mixed media) that I can lose all track of time in. It helps me recharge my batteries and reminds me of the blessings I have. My GirlFriend: Debby Mayne. She's a writer I met online and has been a source of encouragement and cheerleading all year. I am very thankful for her generous spirit.

Rachel Bertsche (aka @rberch), Author of MWF Seeking BFF (blog & book)

Mine isn't a business, per se, but my book and blog are how hard--and hilariously awkward!--it is to make new friends as an adult. Last year was my second year at it, and I think last year I got really good at embracing the "you never know if this will be your next BFF" attitude in my life. #17: I am SO GRATEFUL for the fact that I'm someone who sleeps through the night. I hear about others who wake up every three hours and I always think, "Thank God for my lucky sleep habits!!"  Random, I know. GirlFriend: I can't pick just one! I have so many wonderful friends, and I'm so grateful for the new friends I've made over the last two years. Specifically, the new pals who've supported my writing--especially when I'm writing about them!

Debba Haupert (aka @girlfriendology), Founder of Girlfriendology

My business is my passion - inspiring women and their friendships. Girlfriendology started with a couple girlfriends dealing with cancer and grew to a community of over 40,000 women. I celebrate the joy of hearing women's stories and giving them a platform to share them. #17 Being born in this time. I'm not a 'ride across the prairie in a covered wagon' kind of girl and I'm definitely a technology and social media maven. I'm thankful for being alive in the time of iPads and WiFi (and, to be honest, indoor plumbing, gorgeous/easily-accessible shoes and coffee shops!). My beautiful GirlFriend Deana has has a rough year - including losing her BFF. Yet, through everything, she is always there for her friends and family - and with a gorgeous smile on her face. She inspires me and makes me very, very thankful that we met in college a long time ago.

Irene Levine (aka @irenelevine), Author of Best Friends Forever

I am trained as a psychologist and work as a full-time freelance journalist writing about a variety of topics including travel, lifestyle and friendship. The nicest part of my work is getting letters from people who say that my book changed their lives as well as their friendships! #17: I'm grateful to all the friends and mentors who helped shape my life---even though I've lost contact with many of them. My GirlFriend Linda listens, understands, and is always there for me. I'm lucky to be able to call her at any time or hour when I need advice.

Britt Michaelian (aka @MamaBritt) and Dabney Porte (aka @DabneyPorte), Co-Founders of #SMgirlfriends

Girlfriends Productions, LLC is our business and one thing that we are celebrating is that we have reached over 30 million people in 18 different countries and over 250 million impressions of support in the first 6 months in the Social Media Girlfriends community! Our #17: We are so grateful for the many people within our communities who are cheerleaders and who support one another without us asking for them to do it! GirlFriend: It is so hard for us to thank one person because there are so many to choose from and no one is more important than the next, so if we had to choose one person to thank it would be… our entire community.

And then there's me: Shasta Nelson (aka @girlFRNDcircles), Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com

My favorite aspect of GirlFriendCircles, the women's friendship matching site, is talking and writing about friendship.  This last year I was excited to expand this blog (subscribe top right corner if you're new!) and for the Huffington Post. My #17 is weekends with my husband-- the restorative time when I remind myself that my self-worth is not tied to my business worth. And a GirlFriend I want to shout-out to is Daneen for being willing to keep investing in our friendship even though the mom/non-mom difference between us can feel vast.

A pretty amazing round-up, huh?  :)  How much more enjoyable my social media experience  has been because of these women!  Follow all of us on twitter by following this list: @Girlfriendology/friendship-circle

Your Contact Friends?

What worlds are you a part of where building some new friendships would be meaningful? Where do you need inspiration? Resources? Encouragement?

What are you hoping to accomplish in 2012? Weight loss? Business growth? Home-schooling your kids? Involvement in a church? Hanging out with more singles? Where can you find those people? How can you start the connections?

All friendships start here with your contact friends. Put yourself out there and introduce yourself!

-------------------------

p.s. And huge thanks to Girlfriend Celebrations (Dawn Bertuca & Tina Bishop) who were founding members of our Friendship Circle, helping get us all together!

Facebook and Friendship? Is It Serving Your Needs?

With all the hype of the recent Facebook movie hitting theaters, I feel a little inspired to rant-and-rave about the famous social network.

In media interviews I am almost always asked what I, a huge proponent of face-to-face friendships, think about all the social networks. And, without fail, I express that I a fan. I'm not out there hating on them-- in fact I use them all in my own life and business. They all serve fabulous purposes from reconnecting with old friends (my next-door neighborhood friend from when I was 6-10 years old just found me last week!), networking with possible contacts and enabling us to feel more connected to others by getting glimpses of their lives. However, let me clarify to say that just because they serve some of your relational purposes well, doesn't mean they serve all your relational purposes well.

I read one blog recently where the author seemed shocked that research reveals that most of us have 1/3 less friends that we used to twenty years ago. Her question was "with all this technology, how is that possible?" And therein lies the central problem-- socializing isn't the same as developing friendships that matter.

Five Purposes of Social Media that Could Limit Meaningful Friendships

1. The Purpose of Establishing Outweighs the Developing. I find that social networks serve the two ends of my friendship spectrum pretty well-- they help me establish connections with people who might interest me and they help me stay in touch with the people who already matter to me. However, no social platform takes the former and turns them into the latter. Your time online might help establish commonalities with others but it doesn't develop the friendship into something meaningful without your intention. Your interest can increase because of what you read about them, but again, that doesn't make a friendship. At some point you have to intentionally foster the growth on your own as no amount of status updates will turn a contact into a friendship.
2. The Purpose of Quantity Outweighs Quality. Our energy is automatically spread out over many people rather than focused on the few. The nature of social networking encourages growing your follower list. And for networking and socializing purposes-- that's perfect. However, let's recognize that if deep and meaningful friendships are lacking in your life then it's possible you're pouring your daily "one-hour of relational energy" into responding to 20 contacts for 3 minutes each rather than bonding with one person for the full hour. I've said it before, but some of the loneliest women happen to also be the busiest and most networked women. They mistakenly try to stay in touch with everyone and end up not close to anyone. It's easy to feel connected without ever connecting.
3. The Purpose of Convenient Outweighs Connection. With most of us feeling tired after work, the idea of spending an hour reading status updates online in our pajamas takes much less energy then getting a drink with a possible friend on the way home. And it makes sense since we can feel like we're connecting with everyone without actually having to be "on" and hold up a conversation. Unfortunately, while you may now know what all your friends are doing back home-- you didn't really have any bonding experience that developed your trust in each other which is essential for intimacy to occur. You may feel updated, but it's doubtful that it felt meaningful. You may feel you know something about them, but that's not the same as knowing them. It was easy and convenient but doesn't fill the gap for real mutual connection.
4. The Purpose of Bragging Outweighs Bonding.You can post an update about the promotion you got, but that's different from toasting it with a local friend. And vice-verse, knowing what they did over the weekend isn't the same as now feeling close enough to them to spend this next weekend hanging out together. We may become more interested in each other after following our updates, but if it doesn't turn into making new memories together than you're simply bragging about parallel and separate lives but not merging the two together. Bonding takes more than interest-- at some point, it simply comes down to time together. A bond happens when you create a memory together, not simply brag about two separate memories.
5. The Purpose of Interesting Outweighs Intimacy .Our status updates range from the inane (what I just ate for lunch) to the interesting (whatever big, unique thing we want to wow everyone with), without always capturing the actual moments that matter. And for the record, it's not Facebook and twitter's fault-- our conversations in real life can focus just as easily on the boring, small talk, the celebrity gossip and the big stories that we hope will make everyone else jealous. But, certainly, the social network heightens the lack of real sharing, focusing more on announcements than conversation. We can forget that just because everyone knows that you have cute kids-- it doesn't mean they know what it feels like to be a stay-at-home mom, the actual fears you have about parenting, the longings you hold for your kids and the questions you are processing about your own identity. Intimacy requires vulnerability which social networks don't easily facilitate.

I love Facebook. I love twitter. I know how they can serve me. I also know how they can be limiting to the friendships I need if I am not intentional and mindful.

The value of social networks: the ability to Establish connections with large Quantities of people in a Convenient way to Brag about our lives and be exposed to Interesting things with people in our network, is no small thing!

However, if Developing relationships with a Quality Few where the focus is on real Connection that creates Bonding and leads to Intimacy then by all means be intentional about where you spend your time, how you engage and what you can do to make sure that social networking provides you the best it can offer without it costing you what you truly are craving.

Now... off to post this onto Facebook! ;)