While we talk about the "holiday season" as our "favorite time of the year;" the truth is that for the vast majority of us there is a dissonance between what we idealize and what is reality.
Every single one of us dreams of more connection. Not more small talk, not more busy-ness, not more social gatherings, nor more tense families or pressures. We want that feeling of being connected in meaningful ways. In theory, as our interactions increase during this time of year, the potential is there for more magic moments of connection, but it doesn't happen automatically, as we all know.
So with Thanksgiving approaching, I wanted to invite us each to look ahead a bit and think through what we can do to invite and inspire the connection we most want-- whether you don't yet have plans, are hosting, or are an invited guest. I'll list some ideas just to get our juices going, but really, you know your resources and dynamics best so pick something that feels most true for you.
No plans yet?
First, if you don't have plans to be with people, and want to be, it's not too late. We can initiate the connection we want!
Gently check in with a few friends. We can reach out via email to a few friends and say, "Don't know what each of your plans are, and totally understand if you're just with family this year, but thought I'd check in to see if anyone has room for one more at your table. Happy to bring anything to share! And if that day is full, no worries, let's schedule sometime to connect in a few weeks. It'd be great to see you." No pressure, no intruding, no inconveniencing anyone-- but it's likely our friends would be thrilled to have us and they just didn't think to reach out. Or, we can just check in and ask "Hey what are your plans for Thanksgiving?" and feel out whether it feels flexible or not!
Open up your home! Alternatively, I've always thought it'd be super fun to put something out on Facebook and say, "We are finding ourselves in the unusual position of being alone this Thanksgiving and thought it might be fun to host a casual potluck of yummy food and connection for anyone else who doesn't already have plans! Even if we haven't yet met in person, consider yourself invited!" Don't fall for the insidious belief that you're alone in being alone on Thanksgiving.
Hosting?
If you're hosting, more important than table settings and menus, is your thoughtfulness to increasing connection.
Remember that people care more about how they feel when they are in your home and when they leave, than they do about being impressed by you. No one else will feel the permission to help set the tone except you... so pick a few easier recipes, ask for help in the kitchen, and be more present to how you can help people feel seen when they are in your home.
Interview some of the older members around your table so they feel seen and respected and everyone else has the joy of learning. Ask them to each share how they celebrated Thanksgivings as kids, how they've noticed Thanksgiving shifting or changing over their lifetime, or how gratitude has shaped their lives.
Find a fun craft for the kids like a Gratitude Turkey or something that invokes their gratitude and let them share what they wrote and be seen as everyone oohs-and-ahhs over their creativity. Give them each ten feathers to write things they're grateful for, or put them in charge of going around and interviewing everyone and writing people's comments on the feathers. (see ours pictured below from a couple years ago!)
If people don't know each other at your gathering, find a time (maybe even before the crazy-kitchen rush) to facilitate group introductions. If you know everyone, it can be a beautiful gift to go around the circle and introduce everyone to each other by sharing who they are to you, and one thing you're grateful about each person, and end by thanking them all for being in your home. Or, another idea, might be to have everyone go around the circle and challenge them to introduce themselves by sharing their name and expressing one thing they appreciate about themselves! Maybe, "I'm grateful to myself this year for..." or "One thing I appreciate about myself is..." We're not very good at sharing what we like and are proud of... it's a beautiful invitation to help us all practice that more!
Start a deeper conversation about gratitude around the table. If your table has less than 6-8 people around it, ask everyone to be a part of one conversation (rather than talking sideways), otherwise, maybe invite each end of the table to break into small groups with some conversation prompts: What role does gratitude typically have in your life? When was it most difficult this last year to be grateful? What have you found helps you practice more gratitude? What do you wish you paid more attention to or took less for granted? Who is someone you haven't really thanked for something that you kind of wish you could? Don't be shy about taking charge of the conversation-- they can talk about whatever they want the rest of the day. We might feel a little silly, but our bravery will be rewarded as we see deeper connection happening. Maybe set it up with saying, "Research is showing us how gratitude is the most powerful emotion our brain can feel... so I thought today, rather than just go around mentioning things we're grateful for, it might be inspiring to talk about the role gratitude has in our lives."
My awesome niece Naomi putting our Gratitude Turkey together! 🙌
Joining?
And, for those of us who are showing up at someone else's home, look for micro-moments to really see others and let ourselves be seen.
It's probably not appropriate for us to hijack someone else's event with some activity or sharing question, but we most certainly can make a big difference if we show up with the intention to be truly present.
Be the includer. Look around... who is on the edges? Who feels most forgotten? Most awkward? What can we do to go trust that there's a magic moment there with them rather than trying to stay in the bustle?
Ask more reflective and thoughtful questions. Rather than just asking about their work, ask what part of their work they're most enjoying these days and why. Rather than just asking them how school is going, ask them to share one thing they love about school and one thing they wish they could change. Rather than just asking "so how's life going?" ask them a more specific question, like "What is something bringing you joy these days?" or "What do you have coming up that matters to you?"
Don't be the hero and not get your needs met. It's not impressive to go in and play the dutiful roles and then bypass moments where we can share something that matters. Look for the openings with the people you care about and make sure you choose to share something about your life with them. It helps us feel seen, helps them feel more bonded to us, and gives them permission to also share.
Express your gratitude freely and specifically. Thank the host by reflecting back on something you observed that they did that you really appreciated. Thank each person you talk with by sharing one thing you really admire about them or learned from them.
If all of us on this list were to show up looking for ways to give and receive love and gratitude, imagine how many tables would be forever impacted.
My prayer for all of us is that we go through this next week remembering we are lovable... and from that place, helping make sure those around us remember their worth, too.
I'm ever grateful for you.
xoxo
Shasta
p.s. And for everyone, one of the most important things we can do is start our morning in solitude and reflection, getting grounded in gratitude. Light a candle, journal, pray, read a poem, walk in nature-- whatever helps each of us feel center and present. That's on us. xoxo