The ONE Thing More Important than Diet & Exercise

This is the time of year when we are increasingly motivated to stop smoking, cut back on alcohol, try that 30-day-no-sugar diet, commit to some form of a detox, join a gym, or buy a pair of running shoes. If that's you.... if you want greater health in the year to come, then keep reading.

Q.  Do you really know what impacts your health more than any other factor?

A.  The most significant issue to your health is your experience of love and support in your life.

Did you read that right?  Yes.

As someone who has been following relationship studies for over a decade, I can you assure that study after study continues to showcase that our social connections increase our longevity, decrease our stress levels, boost our immune systems, recover us from surgery and sickness faster, protect our brain health, and protect us from disease and death.

Consider some of these statements from world-renowned Dr. Dean Ornish in his book Love and Survival:

"I am not aware of any other factor [than social connection]--not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery--that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness, and premature death from all causes."

Amazing, isn't it?? "Quality of life, incidence of illness, and premature death from all causes" doesn't come down to genetics or healthy behaviors as much as it does to how well we can answer the question, "How loved and supported do you feel?"

Illustrating that point, one of the many studies he highlights followed over 7,000 people over the span of nearly 2 decades; and found that while those with healthy lifestyles and strong social ties were the least likely to die, it may surprise many to know that those with close social ties and unhealthy lifestyles outlived those with healthy lifestyles but poor social ties!

Let that sink in... you're better off cultivating stronger relationships than you are in joining a gym, eating more kale, or cutting out sugar. He says,

"This association between social and community ties and premature death was found to be independent of and a more powerful predictor of health and longevity than age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, self-reported physical health status, and health practices such as smoking, alcoholic beverage consumption, overeating, physical activity, and utilization of preventative health services...."

And when we say "better off," let's be clear what we mean: you are 3-5 times more likely to die if you don't feel loved and supported.

One famous study from Brigham Young University I quote all the time reminds us that feeling disconnected is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, twice as damaging as being obese, and has an impact on our health equivalent to being a lifelong alcoholic.

Those who feel disconnected have an increased risk of premature death and disease from all causes!  That includes dying or suffering from coronary heart disease, stroke, cancer, respiratory diseases, gastrointestinal diseases, infectious diseases, allergies, autoimmune diseases, many types of cancer, alcoholism, suicide, and the list goes on and on. And we're not just talking about preventing disease or maintaining health, but also for recovery and life-lengthening:

"Smoking, diet, and exercise affect a wide variety of illnesses, but no one has shown that quitting smoking, exercising, or changing diet can double the length of survival in women with metastatic breast cancer, whereas the enhanced love and intimacy provided by weekly group support session has been shown to do just that."

Across the board, whether you're merely trying to prevent or recover from the common cold, lower your cholesterol levels, or prevent a heart attack--moving away from loneliness and building your support network is crucial to your survival.

Are You At Risk?

I believe we're living in an epidemic of unacknowledged loneliness.

Which is incredibly dangerous because we assume that since we're not hermits, recluses, or socially isolated that we're safe; when in fact, most of us don't feel the level of intimacy and support that actually creates that safety.

How true are these statements in your life? How many times can you answer "yes?"

• If I needed a ride to the hospital, I have a friend who doesn't live with me whom I could call instead of relying on a taxi or ambulance.
• If my current closest confidante was physically or emotionally "unavailable" for a season of life (super sick, intensive caring for an aging parent, extra travel for work, wrapped up in planning a wedding), I have at least two other close friends who could be "present."
• If I experienced a financial need, I have a friend that could loan me the money I needed.
• If I were excited and wanted to share my big dream or ambitious goal with someone, I have a friend who would be thrilled to hear from me.
• If I needed to list a local emergency contact, other than a spouse, parent, or child, I have at least two options I feel comfortable listing.
• If my closest friend and I had a big fight, I am completely confident that we could work it out because we've talked through many difficult things before.
• If I had a big celebration in my life-- a birthday, a job promotion, a wedding, a baby shower-- I can think of a couple of friends who would be happy to host and plan the event.
• If I needed to be completely raw, messy, unguarded, and vulnerable with a friend who I know loves me completely, I know who to call.
• If I won a paid vacation for me and 3 friends-- my biggest problem would be picking which of my friends to come with me.

For the vast majority of us, we are immensely networked, but will struggle to answer yes to most of these questions. And of those who can answer yes, even fewer will be able to say that they aren't dependent on only 1-2 friends for all those needs.

A safety net of love and support must be developed, it never just happens.

Unfortunately, most of us will read this data and still pour more time into our diet and exercise than we will in developing deeper relationships.

Why?  Partly because our doctors are trained more in surgery and medicine than they are in relationships so their well-meant advice will lean that way; partly because our culture is addicted to weight-loss and appearance over health and longevity so our tendency will be to focus on the things that change our looks more than improve our body function; and partly because diet and exercise is so much more tangible, immediate, and controllable than relationship building can feel.

The role of relationships in our health won't get as much press as diets and fads to help you lose the proverbial ten pounds, but let's not let magazine headlines dictate what we know to be true.

Please, please, listen to the science and align your life-- your time, your energy, your resources-- to that which proves to not only bring MUCH greater health but also greater happiness.

2017:  To a Year of Courageous Connecting!

xoxo

p.s. If you are willing to commit to making 2017: The Year of Courageous Connecting then I extend a warm and genuine invitation to you to join GirlFriendCircles.com this year so you can:

• Focus on a new relationship theme every month for 12 months (i.e. how to increase vulnerability, how to make time for friends, how to meet new friends)
• Learn from relationship experts in a fun monthly 1-hr class, including a  worksheet to apply the teaching in your own relationships.
• Choose a Courageous Practice each month to build up your relationship muscles to meet new friends and make your friendships better!
• Receive lots of sisterhood support throughout each month, including live advice calls with me, local events to meet others who live nearby, awesome online interaction in our community of women who are committed to relationship growth, and virtual groups with deepening conversations!

You can join anytime, but we have special New Year deal available right now to those who are willing to put the stake in the ground and say "This matters.  I'm going to align my life for more meaningful connections this year!"  JOIN US!  xoxo

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Moving and Making New Friends: Embracing the Change

When we want to make new friendships, we're often dismayed at how challenging it can feel. Katrina Emery, a GFC member who lives in Portland OR, recently interviewed Maggie Chang about how she ended up seeing a move as the best excuse to start over with greater intention!

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by Katrina Emery

Maggie Chang had lived in New York City all her life. Her big move had been from Queens to Brooklyn, and that was far enough. But moving to California? Terrifying.

“My husband made me do it!” she laughs. At first she had scoffed at his suggestion. She was perfectly fine, had family and friends nearby, and California was so far away!

Gradually she warmed up to it, though, and two years ago she, her husband, and her then-9-year-old son found themselves new residents of San Bruno, right outside San Francisco.

She tackled the move by pursuing new interests and passions, which was also a way to make new friends. After adopting a dog, she started volunteering at SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). She’s gotten outside more: hiking, beaches, dog parks, camping, exercise, yoga.

Her yoga passion actually led her to a deep friendship journey, in a roundabout way. In researching a yoga retreat, she ended up at Shasta’s New Year Retreat (“Reveal: A weekend where good friends dream up a great year.”). “It definitely wasn’t yoga!” she laughs, but she ended up loving the chance to delve thoughtfully into her own wisdom and intuition. The retreat offers women a beautiful place for guided personal reflection and facilitated group connection designed to reveal the themes and feelings that will best lead each person in the year ahead.

Maggie used the intention created at the retreat to focus on her relationships, and it was there that some realizations about her life in Brooklyn came up. “I was not actually happy in NYC,” she says, “not very connected to the friends and family I had there.” She hadn’t realized it at the time, but there was a distance growing in her old friendships that wasn’t being addressed or augmented with new ones. She discovered she had been suffering from a lack of meaningful healthy friendships for a while, even before moving. The research that shows we replace our friends every 7 years was especially striking to her. “Nobody teaches us these things!” She had been stuck in past versions of friendships that had changed. “There was some shame connected to it,” she admits, noting that since she claimed she had current friends (even though the dynamics had changed), she felt uncomfortable searching for “new” ones.

It wasn’t until the move forced her into new relationships that she suddenly felt ok pursuing them. Now, she was new to an area and had practical reasons for making new friends. The need to reach out made it ok to try. She joined GFC as a GFConnector last December, and committed to facilitating events for a period. “That’s helped. Not that it’s been easy or I’ve made a lot of friends, but it’s like I’m strengthening that muscle.”

Since moving to California, Maggie describes herself as being more intentional and more mindful of friendships. Her son, now 11, has his own friendships at school. “I’m now encouraging him, making it an actual goal.” she notes. “I want him to know that it’s important enough to work on.” She hasn’t found the perfect way to be vulnerable to him about her own friendship struggles, but hopes she can keep working on that. “One new struggle that has popped up is: Should I be making friends with moms of kids his age?” she wonders. More requirements for hopeful friendships (that they live close, that the kids get along, etc.), though, just ends up adding extra layers of complications.

Two years in, and Maggie still feels she’s in the middle of the transition. Her advice is to embrace the uncomfortable: “You’re going to learn and grow from change, so let it happen.” With the freedom of a new location, the pursuit and opportunity of new relationships is an important part of her life. “I’m not saying it’s easy or doesn’t take work, but I’m starting to meet new people and start new relationships.” She sounds hopeful. And proud of herself.

And she did find an actual yoga retreat to go on recently. An intense camping-and-yoga experience, the women there naturally bonded, and Maggie is hoping they can continue to form some meaningful friendships. She’s also already signed up for Reveal Retreat again this January, looking forward to connecting with other personal-growth minded women!

**By the way, if you’re interested in more information on the next Reveal Retreat, January 20-22, 2017, in wine country, CA, check it out here! http://www.shastanelson.com/retreat/ There are still a few spaces left!

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Dopamine: Relationships are "Supposed To" Give Energy

We keep hearing how good relationships are for us, but what do you do when relationships drain you, scare you, or exhaust you? Or maybe life just feels so blah now that you're left feeling lethargic, stressed-out, weary, or flat? Maybe the idea of peeling yourself off the couch to connect with someone just sounds like way too much work? Maybe you're not getting enough life-enhancing dopamine?

In my latest class for Friendship University I had the awesome privilege to interview the foremost authority on the combined fields of neurobiology and relationships.  Dr. Amy Banks, the author of Wired to Connect: The Surprising Link Between Brain Science and Strong, Healthy Relationships, walked us through the four ways we can improve our brain function in order to improve our relationships.

Science is continuing to reinforce that every single one of us is hardwired for connection.  Which means that when we feel loved and supported: our immune system is healthier, we recover from surgery and sickness faster, our bodies protect us from the impact of stress, we feel happier, and we live longer. And... in light of our conversation today: we feel more energy when we connect.

How Do Relationships Give Us Energy?

The human brain is designed to give us a dose of dopamine--the  chemical that not only lights up our pleasure center but also helps give us the energy to move toward rewards--every time we do something life-sustaining.

Dr. Banks says:

"Eating, drinking, water, exercise, sex, and healthy relationships are all supposed to trigger feel-good sensations, to make us want to do the things that are good for us."

She is quick to caution us that we "all live from one dopamine hit to another" (because it's natural for us to want to feel good!) but that if the human brain can't get that hit in healthy ways this is what drives so many of us to look for substitutes: shopping, gambling, over-eating, or anything that leads to addiction.

But What If Relationships Don't Give Me Energy?

In an ideal world, as babies we received love, touch, and connection that paired those actions with our dopamine producers.  Studies shows that when that link between relationships and reward was reinforced, it set us up for improved social status and social support.

But for many of us, if our childhood relationships were stressful or harmful, or if we were taught to be fiercely independent or perceived as weak for wanting connection, then relationships didn't get paired with our dopamine reward system as they were supposed to.  Which, according to Dr. Banks, means that "instead of becoming energized by friendships--even good ones--they are drained and depleted by the interaction."

Feeling disconnected provokes our stress response systems which raises our anxiety, provokes irritability, and leads us to assuming that we're being left out or rejected, even if we aren't. Which means what we need the most--connection--is unfortunately not only what we probably fear the most but also what we're least likely to feel energized to pursue.

But Dr. Banks and numerous other voices out there are encouraging us: we can heal our damaged pathways.  (If you haven't yet watched Johann Hari's TED talk reminding us that the opposite of addition isn't sobriety, but connection-- then it's a must see!)  In the book Wired to Connect she says,

But there is plenty that you can do to nourish your neurological pathways for connection. If they are damaged, you can start to heal them. If they are neglected, you can cultivate them. And if they are stressed, you can soothe them."

How To Move Toward More Energy in Relationships

Dr. Banks gives so many brain exercises and activities in her book to practice reconnecting the dopamine reward system to healthy relationships, and our GirlFriendCircles.com community is so enjoying the class, our worksheets, and our conversation this month as we dive deeper on the subject, but let me leave you with just one of her very practical ideas to try.

1. Identify the relationships that give you energy.  Who are those people for you?  With whom do you feel the safest? What relationships in your life give you some sense of reward or pleasure, even if small?
2. Try to spend more time connecting with those people. For many of us, depending on our jobs, we might be spending the bulk of our days around people we didn't choose, or with people who drain us. It becomes even more imperative to try to lean in to more time with anyone who does energize us.  It might mean calling our mom a bit more often, initiating time with a friend, or practicing more conversation with a safe person.

It seems counter-intuitive that when we lack energy that we need to then identify relationships to seek out, but Dr. Banks assures us that identifying our "strongest sources of relational dopamine" will give us our best shot at repairing our reward systems. Perhaps knowing that as you reconnect those wires, that what costs you energy now will reward you with energy down the road, will give you courage.

I do want to point out, what I hope is obvious, that "more relationships" aren't the answer to everyone's weariness. Much like how food is good for us and also gives us energy-- the answer isn't just eat more food! Over-eating can make us lethargic, too!  Or not eating the right food.  Or not having a good relationships to food or our bodies.  Or maybe your food is perfect and what you need is more sleep!  :) But please, when you're avoiding people because you don't have the energy, consider the possibility that sometimes, counter-intuitively, we need to connect instead of withdraw.

xoxo,

Shasta

p.s.  Interested in the Friendship University class? It comes with membership to those in GirlFriendCircles.com.  Every month we offer a new theme, a new teacher, new worksheet, and new friendship actions to practice-- join us in October and get access to this class immediately!

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3 Tips for Successfully Making New Friends

I've got good news and bad news as I share my 3rd video in our series this week.

The good news is that with practice I am getting better:  it's shorter and I don't think I use any of the words that I apparently have a tendency to overuse: "abundantly", "just", or "right?".  :) The bad news is that I didn't shower and my hair reflects it! haha! oh well!?!

If you haven't had a chance to watch the other two videos this week then I'll catch you up today! This one covers it all!!

In this video I reveal:

1. Which of the 3 Friendship Benefits Matters Most to You.  I remind you of the three biggest benefits that we covered in our 1st video, plus I share which one was overwhelmingly the most important to all of you based on all your comments! (Thank you! It was so fun to hear from so many of you!)
2. Which of the 4 Type of Loneliness is the most Common to You.  In a poll that we took after this video-- there was a very clear front-runner to which of the 4 types of loneliness is the most common one.
3. And, My 3 Tips If You Want to Successfully Make Better Friends.  I share three expectations or things to encourage you to do if you want to make sure that you actually make better friends and not just say you want to!  (I expect that you're not doing at least one of these!)

If you're willing, please leave a comment and share with me which tip is the hardest one for you!  Which one do you find yourself most resisting or refusing to believe?

May we all stay open and willing to doing whatever it takes to create meaningful connection,

Shasta

CEO, GirlFriendCircles.com

p.s. We are re-opening GirlFriendCircles.com THIS Tuesday, July 19! Get ready to say "yes" to greater connection in your life! Watch your inbox for your personal invitation!

p.s.s. Not sure if the new GirlFriendCircles.com will provide what you most need and want? Watch today's video to find out what's coming!

Three Biggest Reasons We Need Friends

Hello GirlFriends! GirlFriendCircles.com is getting ready to re-open on July 19 with a bigger vision and a more beautiful interface! Woohoo!

I want to share with you WHY we're going through all this effort to revision and relaunch our community for women's friendships, so I made a 12 minute video to share with you:

1. The Two Friendship Problems I see in our world that are stirring me to action and inspiring me to brainstorm solutions for connecting us in meaningful ways.
2. The Three Biggest Possible Reasons Why We Need to be Connected as pretty much every other benefit falls under one of these three!
3. Some of the Excuses We Use for giving up or not committing ourselves to action and learning... and how those objections aren't serving our needs.
4. A Glimpse of My Vision and Hope for All of Us as we commit ourselves to creating better friendships in our lives.

At the end of the video I invite you to leave a comment and share with all of us which of the 3 BIG reasons for better friendships speaks most to you today?  (Of course we all want all three of them, but which one feels most valuable or urgent to you?)

p.s. This video will be the first in a series of three so watch for my next one on Thursday when I want to remind us all of the 4 most common types of loneliness!

Loving Kindness Meditation for Friendship

Once a month, for the last three years, this group of amazing women has gathered together to share their lives, to practice cheering for each other, and to ask for help from the group. This last Monday was our May gathering. One of the women shared a situation with someone they were having a hard time with at work and she so wisely said, "I don't think I want advice for how to handle her because then I'll go into defensive mode trying to explain more about what I've tried or why that wouldn't work. I guess I just wanted to tell you and ask for your support." (What maturity to be able to articulate what she didn't need!)

We all thanked her for sharing, validated what we heard her say, and promised prayers and thoughts for her patience and wisdom.  Then a wise sage in the group said, "Are you familiar with the Loving Kindness meditation? I just wonder if that would feel grounding for you?"

The sharer expressed interest and wanted to know more. So this practice was described for those who weren't familiar with it and I watched as everyone scrambled to write it down, oohed-and-ahhed at how meaningful it felt, and a few even vowed that they wanted to challenge themselves to try it for 30 days.

I knew right then what I wanted to blog about this week.  :)

The Loving-Kindness Meditation

What it is: It struck me how powerful this mediation could be in our community of women who are striving to have healthy relationships with themselves and others. It's often referred to as metta, which in the Pali language refers to an inclusive, wise, and compassionate love. From a place of meditation, we are choosing to practice love in our minds, not based on whether others, or ourselves, "deserves" it, but because we recognize that love is more healing in this world than judgment, hatred, or fear.

The words: There are many variations-- feel free to google to find the phrases you like the best or even write you own. I love the adaption that my friend shared on Monday night so I'll share that one with you for now:

May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy and free.

How it works: It works by offering loving-kindness to ourselves first, then extending out to people we love easily, then extending out to people we feel neutral about (or maybe people we don't even know), and eventually extending out to people who frustrate or disappoint us.

1. So we want to find the time and place to sit comfortably in a quiet place and whisper the words slowly over and over about ourselves first.
2. When we feel ready, we then can picture that love extending beyond ourselves to those we love with relative ease. For example, "May Lucy be filled with loving kindness..." We replace the I with either their names or we can say she or they if we're picturing different friends or our family in our minds. Continue doing this as different people you love pop into your mind.
3. When we feel ready, we then picture that love extending out even more to the next circle of people-- whether that be people you work with, the people you have appointments with that day, anyone who pops into your mind, your neighbors, your family, etc.
4. Then when you feel ready, invite yourself to think of people who trigger you-- people you're having a hard time forgiving, people who annoy you, people you're no longer friends with, and people who have hurt you.
5. To end, I like to visualize my love as ribbons going out from my heart to surround the world. For one moment feel what it feels like to simply put love out there-- to everyone, to anyone. And pray that as you go about your day that you'd show up as as someone ready to see that everything said to you by others is either their love for you or their call to be loved. Hear it as a gift you can give to include that person in your circle of who you are willing to extend the loving-kindness meditation toward.

If it's hard to do: Quite naturally, sometimes these words are incredibly difficult to say about some people, possibly even ourselves. So it's important to be as compassionate and tender with yourself as possible when you feel constriction or panic. Try not to judge yourself-- it's like a muscle that needs to developed--most of us will struggle with judgments as we try to extend the words.

Some ideas when you don't feel the love:

• One idea is to start the prayer with something like "To the extent that I am able..." or "I don't feel it yet, but I am willing to say it..."
• Another practice some suggest is if you feel blocked then go back to saying it about someone with whom it's easy for you to feel it and say it several times for that person, then try--from that place of love-- to let some of it spill over as you return to the person that originally choked the words.
• Depending on your tradition, another option might be to say it about God's desire if you don't yet feel you can say it from yourself, such as "God wants you to be peaceful and at ease."

It's crucial to realize that you don't need to feel these words to have them do their work on us. In fact, that's kind of the point.  We're slowly re-wiring our brain toward love so chances are slim that we already feel these things automatically. It will not feel easy or authentic. Keep in mind that we're not obligating ourselves to anything, letting anyone off any hooks, or justifying their behavior.

This meditation is more for us than it is for them. 

We are practicing becoming more loving people and this is how we get there.  We may not think we believe the words, but there is a voice in us, somewhere, that knows these words to be true. We are calling out to that voice and letting her be heard above the voices we all too often listen to.

We are choosing our peace over our defensiveness.

With so much big love for you,

Shasta

p.s. Do you practice this meditation? What's it been like for you? Share with us your tips or testimonies!

Losing Weight VS. Gaining Love

As I just read about how losing weight is the number 1 New Years resolution, I wanted to come in with my relationship pom-poms and sweetly remind you that what you

want even more than weight loss is to feel loved. Your brain may even actually think those two things are correlated, but they are not.

I'm all for being healthy, but if what you really, really, really want is to belong, to be "enough," to be loved, to be in meaningful connection-- then go straight for that.  No need to chase something else and leave to chance the feeling you really want!

This year, let's be women who focus on inviting more love in our lives, even when awkward, even when scary, even when we're tired.  I can't think of anything worth more celebrating a year from now than to be able to say, "I feel more loved than ever."

Standing on the Scale of My Love

It’s not about how much physical space I take up in this world, but about how much I’m willing to shine brighter and stand taller on behalf of others.

It’s not about having six-pack abs but about knowing how to hear my gut.

What size of clothes I wear pales in comparison with the size of my heart.

How many diets I’ve been on isn’t as important as how many gratitude entries I have in my journal.

My BMI doesn’t even come close to telling me as much about my health as the joy of the relationships around me does.

How fast I can run a mile doesn’t impress me nearly as much as how quickly I can forgive someone who has disappointed me.

How I feel about my thighs is of waning importance compared to how I feel about my purpose and calling in this world.

How much fat I can pinch on my waistline doesn’t even begin to rank with how many people I hope will hug me each day.

That I laced up my shoes to run this week is fabulous, but when was the last time I stopped and asked myself the far more important emotional question: “What in my life am I running from?”

We’ve been taught to care so much about the read-out on the bathroom scale; but I confirm today that it’s far more important that love weigh more than fear in my life.

I am a woman dedicated to inviting far more love in my life this year.

Friendships, Stress, and Hormones

This is a blog post I have been so looking forward to writing for the last two months!  Women lean in every time I share pieces of this content around a dinner table, in a workshop on friendship, or at a mastermind group.  It's not only crucial information for our lives, but it speaks so directly to the power of friendship that, even though I heard it first in a business context, I knew I had to share it with my blog community. Simon Sinek's Explanation of 4 Hormones You Need to Understand

In early May, I attended Rock the World 2013-- a women's business conference in NYC--where Simon Sinek was one of the keynote speakers.  Simon is the author of Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action (2009) and a motivational speaker whose TED talk is in the top 10 most-viewed ever!  But what he shared with us in May was some of the content of his next book coming out later this year.

Sinek relied on human biology to illustrate what motivates behavior, saying basically that our actions boil down to the good feelings we get from four key chemicals in our body: dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin.  When we trigger any of these chemicals in our bodies, we get a shot of something euphoric whether it's extra energy, joy, calm, or pride.   Here's how we receive those good feelings:

1. Dopamine is the result of accomplishing goals, it's designed to help us find what we're looking for. Every time we see a finish line, cross something off our to-do list, or see movement toward our goals-- we get that shot of dopamine!
2. Endorphins mask our physical pain and help us keep pushing ourselves to where we need to be. For most of us who live more sedentary and safe lives, our most common form of endorphins come from exercise. If you've ever had a "runner's high"-- you know this feeling.
3. Oxytocin is one I talk about a lot in connection with our friendships as it reinforces bonds, builds trust, and relieves stress.  We get this from touch, meaningful conversation, breast-feeding, and when we see/experience acts of human generosity.
4. Serotonin happens in moments of pride, recognition, and status. When we receive our diploma on stage, say "I do" in front of friends and family, or are the recipients of a meaningful award-- we get that shot of serotonin that boosts our joy.

Now, what I thought was super fascinating is that the first two chemicals you can get all by yourself.  You need no one else present to get your dopamine from crossing something off your to-do list or to exercise and feel the endorphins.  Sinek called these "selfish" hormones.

The latter two--oxytocin and serotonin-- are "unselfish" chemicals since we need someone else present in order to receive the rewards that our body wants to give us.  He gave the example of someone who could just receive an email telling them that enough credits had been accomplished and the bill paid so therefore they earned their diploma-- and that person would have most certainly received a shot of dopamine for reaching their goal.  But it's when that person dons their cap and gown and walks in front of everyone that the serotonin is released.  We need an "audience"-- someone to cheer for us or witness our success-- to give us that sense of pride and recognition.  And the best part of these unselfish chemicals?  BOTH people get the shot.  Not just the graduate on stage, but also the teachers who taught that student, the family that supported them, and their friends who did it with them.  Oxytocin and serotonin need others present to initiate them, but they also benefit all parties.

Warning: We're Not Getting Enough...

He connected these four chemicals to how leaders and businesses can better understand how we're wired to help create more healthy workplaces; I heard the whole thing through the lens of friendship. While all four chemicals have their "addictive" qualities to them, Sinek warned that they are only dangerous when they are out of balance. And I agree with him that we live in a culture that is focusing way more on the selfish chemicals than the unselfish chemicals.  We think it's easier to become workaholics to get more dopamine than it is to go hang out with friends to feel the oxytocin.  (And how much more so when we don't yet have the close friends we find meaningful!)

Furthermore, two other chemicals-- testosterone and cortisol-- are INHIBITORS of oxytocin.  In other words, when we feel stress or anxiety which results in cortisol shooting through our bodies, it prevents us from receiving the benefits of oxytocin which includes feelings of trust, safety, and empathy. We cannot build relationships of trust when we are in survival mode!  That has far-reaching implications, to say the least. So the more stress you have in your life, the harder it is for you to experience the rewards of trust, generosity, love, and bonding with others.  One short-circuits the other.

So here's my plea to the 22,000 women who subscribe to my blog-- please, please, please make sure you're intentionally adding oxytocin moments to your life!  Make sure you're not on an unbalanced chemical loop where you just go after accomplishment and exercise to boost you.  It's the selfless chemicals of oxytocin and serotonin that decrease your anxiety, turn your immune system on, facilitate feelings of trust, and basically make this world a better place where we can show generosity and love to one another!

I find it awesome that our bodies reward us to take care of each other!!!  And who better to be shining givers and recipients of this than all of us who are committed to growing healthy and meaningful relationships in this world!

Virtual hugs!

Your Brain on Friendships

On CBS Sunday Morning, a news magazine program, they ran an awesome story this last weekend about the health benefits of friendship.(Watch the clip here, if interested.) In the segment on CBS, they showed two of these recent studies-- one in the field of psychology and the other in neuroscience.

Friendships Decrease How We Perceive Stressors

First, they re-enacted the psychology study that came out of University of Virgina a few years back that revealed how we assess life differently when a friend is nearby.  Students wearing a heavy backpack at the bottom of a hill were asked to estimate the steepness of the incline.  Some students were alone as they did the assignment, others had one friend standing beside them. The lead professor, Dr. Dennis Proffitt says on Sunday Morning, "They find the hill to be steeper if they are alone, and less steep if they are with friends."

First, let's just let that one sink in for one moment.  How many of us feel exhausted or weary by life?  How many of us feel a wee bit overwhelmed?  How many of us feel like the metaphoric hill in front of us feels too steep? If there was a way to face life where our perception was radically changed to perceive our situations as a wee bit easier, less intimidating, and more do-able, would you want it?  Our social support is one such factor.

Interestingly, the research also showed that the more intimate and meaningful the friendship, the less steep the hill was perceived; and that conversely when subjects were asked to think of a neutral or disliked person they estimated the hill to be even more steep. That speaks volumes for how important forgiveness and boundaries can be-- if I let someone I don't like keep filling my thoughts then I'm more likely to view life as hard and steep!  Our invitation isn't just to invite friends to stand close in our lives, but it's also to find peace with those around us who might be adding to our stress.

Friendships Reduces Actual Stress in our Brains

The second highlighted study contrasted MRI brain activity when a subject who was receiving intermittent mild electrical shocks was alone or while holding the hand of a friend.  Not knowing when the shocks were going to occur, this test showed the brain response to our anticipatory anxiety, the type of stress so many of us live with as we worry about all the things that are uncertain.  The parts of our brain that sense danger are much less active when we're holding the hand of a friend.

Dr. James Coan, the lead researcher in this study and a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, said to CBS Sunday Morning: "The burden of coping with life's many stressors... when you have to deal with them all by yourself, it not only feels more exhausting, it literally creates more wear on your body."

Similarly, Dr. Coan's work focuses a lot on marriages, too, showing that when faced with a fearful or stressful situation, it doesn't only feel comforting to hold our husbands hand, but actually is comforting as our brain scans show that our anxiety is literally reduced.

Three Friendship Choices to Lower your Stress

I am ever grateful that the topic of friendship, which has long been held as a warm-and-fuzzy subject, is actually grabbing the attention of scientists who are able to articulate to us the significance of our relationships.  For far more than simply a feel-good theme, the results of studies that focus on our friendships are compelling us to acknowledge that this is actually one of the most important health factors in our lives. It's long been my soapbox that right up there with "eat vegetables, exercise, and get enough sleep" should also be "spend quality time with friends."

Because it's not enough to just have had good friends in our past.  We actually need them now.  We don't want to lie to our brains and say, "I'm too busy to make friends right now" which is another way of saying we're too stressed to add one more thing, when in actuality we need those meaningful friendships to actually decrease our stress!

Here are three ways you can move toward a less-stressful, more friend-filled life.

1. Invest now in new friends if your goal is meaningful friends.  Many of us don't take the time to be with new friends because it's not meaningful, easy, and deep yet compared to our close friendships.  But showing up for "coffee dates" (or your repeated activity of choice!) with a new friend now is how you make sure you have that close friend next year.
2. Add some more consistency with someone you already feel intimate with.  Many of us have friends we know deeply but we rarely talk to them or see them because of distance. If you feel like you don't have local close friends yet, consider talking weekly on the phone with a far-flung friend so you can at least reap the benefits of intimate support while you're fostering the local friendships that aren't yet intimate.
3. Be a wee bit more vulnerable.  I devote an entire chapter in my book "Friendships Don't Just Happen!" to this topic to help us understand what vulnerability is, what it looks like, and how appropriate it is to grow it slowly.  But in both these studies, the friend was standing close or holding a hand, which means that part of the benefit means they were nearby, present, or engaged. To simply have friends who know nothing about our lives (and therefore can't really support us) doesn't fully capture the benefits possible!  We have to let people get a little closer.

There was a time when people thought it silly to go jogging or work out at a gym.  It was foreign thought that we'd set aside time in our lives to exercise if we weren't professional athletes.  But as our lives became more sedentary, the need for intentional physical movement became obvious.

Similarly, as our lives become more disconnected from tribes, social circles, and nearby family, we are in a time where we all need to swallow the truth that we must become more intentional about fostering meaningful friendships. Not just because we're lonely or wish we had someone to go do something with, but because our health-- physical and emotional-- are dependent on it.

It is no small thing that with a friend nearby you will not only experience less stress, but also perceive the world with less stress. And less stress means longer lives, less disease, and more joy.

To your health!

This segment on friendship also included an interview with Dr. Irene Levine, a women I admire for her healthy friendship advice, and stories featuring two separate groups of friends. I was particularly moved by the group of male friends they showed as I think there is need for so much modeling of deep male friendship in our society.  Job well done CBS!

Breast Cancer & Friendship

"Slow down! Don't do it alone!" the stranger said to me as he passed me on my morning jog. I tried to force a polite smile, but what I really thought was: "What kind of a guy has the audacity to tell me what pace to set as though he thinks he's my coach? And who is he to care if I'm running alone this morning?" I rolled my eyes after I passed him and kept jogging.

Then horns began honking, pink pom-poms were seemingly spilling out from passing cars, and in front of me a group of five women cheered in response. Then two more in front of them followed suit. As those cars made their way down the busy street, small little groups of women, flashes of pink dotting the sidewalk, seemed appreciative of the praise. I looked around in confusion, shaken out of my jogging rhythm.

Almost as soon as I became conscious to the energy around me, I quickly realized I was not alone in my jog today.  Apparently my typical exercise route was being shared today with the amazing women participating in the Breast Cancer 3-Day Race for the Cure. They were seemingly everywhere on this busy street leading into the park.

Unknowingly, I had joined them on their course! And since my outfit was black and pink, I fit right in, looking like one of them!

I chuckled, feeling pride at what all these women and men were doing. My heart swelled with appreciation for their energy toward this cause.

Then I suddenly felt guilty.

Not only for being cheered as though I were steps away from completing the 60 mile, 3-day race (when in fact I was simply a girl trying to get a couple of miles in on a day that otherwise was a lazy Sunday); but also because I had appeared to be a solo jogging dissenter in an event that promoted community and walking.

If Life Could Be... I crossed the street and spent the rest of my run pondering how amazing life would be if we could model this race:

• Where who you do it with counts more than how fast you do it.

• Where in fact, pacing oneself for the long-haul is of higher value than speeding past someone.

• Where the journey matters more than simply reaching the destination.

• Where we care more about our health than our appearance (I saw some seriously 'over-the-top' outfits today! LOL!)

• Where slowing down to walk with someone who's tired is more the purpose than a delay.

• Where it matters more to us that we "all" make it, not just me.

• Where strangers feel bonded because of a combined passion for a cause.

• Where women cheer for each other, rather than compete.

• Where men look over-joyed to be driving in cars covered in pink, honking for women and their success.

Oh to live in such a world!

The Friendship & Breast Cancer Link

Consider the headlines we’ve all seen from research out of the University of Chicago: Loneliness Heightens Risk of Breast Cancer. While we all feel the pull to do more, be more, and be better than everyone else, a reminder that sometimes just increasing the stress in our lives (to be the one jogging up the hill alone) while everyone else walks in groups, isn't necessarily success.

And the New York Times reported on the 2006  study of nearly 3,000 nurses with breast cancer that found that "women without close friends were four times as likely to die from the disease as women with 10 or more friends. And notably, proximity and the amount of contact with a friend wasn’t associated with survival. Just having friends was protective."

I share the research not to add any fear or guilt, but to give hope.  To remind us that when we feel tempted to withdraw, there is enough data to nudge us to reach out. And it's never too late to invite more love into your life.

Celebrate Breast Cancer Awareness! So this October, as we are celebrating National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, send your cards of celebration to the women who have survived this disease, and honor the memories of those who didn't. Wear your pink proudly and buy those products whose proceeds support the awareness and research we still need in this battle. Schedule your mammograms and value your breast health more than your breast size.

But above all, perhaps the wisdom of the stranger who cheered me on this morning might become your mantra this month? Words to be taken seriously: "Slow down! Don't do it alone!"

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To subscribe to Shasta's Friendship Blog (a weekly article on friendship, relational health, and personal growth) enter your email address in the top right corner. Shasta is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women's friendship matching site.

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Easy Contest: A Save the Ta-Ta's Give-Away!

Ever since last spring when I met Julia Fiske, the founderof Save the Ta-Ta's (read about my mistake that almost cost me a friendship with her!)-- I've been a fan of their fun t-shirts that help fund research (they donate a portion of every purchase) while increasing the smiles on our faces.  The one pictured on this posting, "now is all we have",  is one of my fave's and they are going to send one of my lucky readers this awesome shirt!  :)

To be the lucky winner who has this shirt, in your chosen size, mailed to your house all you have to do is re-post/share this blog on your facebook AND be sure to tag our facebook page (@www.girlfriendcircles.com) so we can track your share! Contest ends at noon (PST) on Friday, Oct. 28. Winner will be selected randomly from those who share this post!

Step-by-Step Directions: To share this post on your facebook page:

1) first make sure you're a facebook fan of www.GirlFriendCircles.com by liking our page so you can tag us. 

2) Either copy/paste the blog post url into your facebook update or simply select the facebook sharing icon at the end of this post and it will do it automatically.

3) Write whatever status you want to share with your friends, highlighting this blog posting, and be sure to tag us by selecting the "@" key in your update, and start typing "girlfriendcircles" which should give you the option to select us, posting your update to our wall so we can track your involvement! (Should you have any problem tagging us-- simply share the post on your wall and come comment on our wall that you did it!)

THANKS! We'll announce the winner on our facebook page on Friday and contact her!

Yin Yoga Inspired Wisdom for the Friend-Making Process

A girlfriend invited a few of us to a yoga class last Thursday. Intrigued and moved by that practice of yin yoga, I signed my husband and myself up for a 3-hour workshop yesterday (ah, he's such a good sport!)  Two classes in four days, an expert I am not. An impressed student, I am.  For those of my readers who are stepping into new friendships, the applications are profound. What can We Learn about Friend-Making from Yin Yoga?

1)   Discomfort is Expected. In the Chinese philosophy of Taoism, we are reminded that things that seem contrary, are interconnected.  That which seems dark, has light in it; and exists only in relation to its opposite. What moved me in yin yoga was the invitation to step into discomfort, showing trust in the human experience that we are capable of embracing and growing from all experiences.

Much like leaning down to touch your toes and finding that place where there is slight pain, our goal wasn't to simply be okay if we felt it; it was the expectation that we would go there.  And stay there. In that place where we were stretched, expanded and slightly uncomfortable.

What struck me is our tendency as humans to link all pain in one category to be avoided. To know the difference between sharp, shooting pain that injures, and the sensations of discomfort that brings benefits in the process is critical.

As women who value new friends, what would it look like to allow for discomfort in the process? If we expected the fact that getting together the first time was going to be awkward? If we simply accepted that the process was going to be slightly uncomfortable and unnatural feeling? And most important, that we chose to embrace that part of the experience, refusing to avoid it or walk away?  Courageously admitting that feeling the stretch is worth it even if we feel slight fear or embarrassment? Choosing to initiate a get-together, RSVP'ing for a ConnectingCircle, walking through the door to meet strangers, being willing to share a little about yourself, insisting upon following up and doing it again.

Not all discomfort needs to be avoided.

2.  The Value is in the Long Hold. Yin Yoga participants hold a passive pose (designed to lubricate the joints and connective tissues of your body, stimulate the flow of energy, and bring the body-mind into a state of deep relaxation) for several minutes.  That means we aren't just instructed to reach that discomfort and then retreat.  We are called to stay there.  And what we do there is transformative.

In the midst of slight pain, feeling the stretch, we are invited to do three things: breath, be aware of all things we're feeling and experiencing, and respond quietly with loving kindness.

Our knee jerk reactions to things that frustrate us or feel yucky is to retreat, to pull away, to react harshly, to judge it as bad.  In this practice, we are called to stay in that space, embracing it as part of the full human experience.  Teaching ourselves to breathe through the moment, holding non-judgmental attentiveness for how we feel, invokes in us a courage that we can do the same in real-world situations.

When we are looking for friendships, we are often disappointed when it's not instant or automatic. Much like Yin Yoga, to build friendships that matter, we are asked to stay, to push further, to lean in and to stay there. To ask a follow-up question, to share a little more, to invite her to another time together, to follow through on our agreement to be present.

Refusing to retreat from awkwardness is when we experience the value.

3.  The Benefit is Felt in the Aftermath. As kids, we would sometimes cut off the blood supply to our tightly clenched fists because we loved that feeling of letting go of our wrists, feeling the tingle as our white knuckles turned red again in the release.  In this form of yoga, after holding a specific stretch for a while, I had a similar feeling when finally we could lay down flat.

Laying on my back, my body felt congruent, released, relaxed, strong, calm, grounded and centered. I don't know the science behind the poses but apparently energy channels were opened and my body was responding. I couldn't have arrived here without first agreeing to the challenging pose.

Unfortunately, we aren't known to be good judges when we only base our judgments on the immediate pay-off. The friend-making process is comparative.  At first, the actual time together isn't always the easy part.  It's only after numerous times together that we usually begin to feel the benefits.  It's worth noting though that even in meaningful conversations with strangers we are still lowering our stress, strengthening our immune system, and increasing our endorphins.  We are benefiting even when it feels awkward; and even if we don't feel it until later.

We'd miss out on much if we though it had to feel good now to be good.

I left the class feeling brave, open and strong.  Reminding myself that I can breathe through moments that are uncomfortable. Holding confidence that since I know the difference between harmful pain and valuable pain, I don't need to lump the two together. Trusting in life as a process where there is both light and dark, good and bad, hot and cold--and that I can show loving kindness in all.  Using all these experiences to learn about myself, express gratitude and show up more fully.

We don't have to retreat.  We can engage. Even when it's uncomfortable. Especially then.

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Does this resonate? I'd love to hear when you're most tempted to retreat, or the value you've found in pushing through the awkward!